I am 22, in college, and for about 10 years I felt depressed. I feel ugly cause I have an overbite and acne. My parents bug me about it all the time. My parents fight/argue all the time. Its not horrible but still not acceptable when your dad gets arrested. I have few friends. Well I have a lot but no close ones. My two best friends stopped talking to me last year cause of stupid situation. I am gay and not out to parents. I don't drink and hate partying so I always feel lonely and different. So you can see why sometimes I feel depressed. I like my major in college, I seem happy but when sad things happy I have suicidal thoughts but I know I wont do anything. Like this semester I didn't get into a sorority I wanted to so I felt like everyone hated me cause my 2-3 better friends in college are in the sorority and the rest of the girls seemed to like me and I think that everyone else that tried out got in. When I found out I was crying and depressed. I started seeing a counselor last semester because I knew i was sick of suffering in pain. But sometimes like now Im fine. I mean I still have low self esteem and few friends but Im not depressed. I never go home from college when I don't need to but I wont home last weekend and Friday was really bad. I went to a surprise party for my uncle and short story is it was awkward and restaurant didn't have reservations for it but my aunt just planned to hang out at the bar since it was for adults only. We didn't know that and my mom talked to restaurant about it and then walked away to call another aunt about what to do and my dad is big and was trying to sit on a stool and I knew it would be a bad idea and he fell backwards. At this moment I wanted to runaway and cry. Three men helped him up. My mom got back and had no idea what happened. Restaurant person came to apologize about fall and my mom had no idea and it was just an awkward moment. The rest of the night people were drinking and I just felt lonely. At times I walked outside to get air and was just thinking how good it would feel to die walking into traffic. The rest of the weekend was ok. I went shopping with my sister and out to eat with parents and dealt with their normal annoyingness. I told my counselor all this and she said I seemed happy. Cause even when I talked about Friday night I was smiling. Cause it was nice to see relative but that night still hurt me. I told her that but I couldn't say how I was having the thoughts of walking into traffic cause I was scared I would get sent to hospital. I feel like there are so many things I want to say but I can't get it out in the sad way. If that makes sense. Im so used to hiding how I really feel about things. I know people probably wont think Im depressed but just watch my posts within the next month and you will see I have really bad thoughts. I just feel like I am finally seeing a counselor but Im not really depressed at college. During the summer I was a camp counselor and I loved it mostly. But I spent all my free time in my room alone and sometimes sad for no reason. Thats mostly all how high school and before was when I lived at home. I just wish I have the counselor when Im home without my parents know I could be depressed and how I feel cause I don't want them to know. At school its free and confidential to see counselor so thats why I finally decided to go. This is a lot longer then I thought it would be but what do you think I should do. Should I still go? I can't cry in front of her cause when Im there I am fine. I just don't know how to talk about the deeper stuff with showing the right emotion for it.