I'm going to do my best to explain what I'm going through now, how it's progressed, and when I think it began. I think the depression I'm in started in the 7th or 8th grade, when I realized I was attracted to guys. I was a huge christian, and I told my youth pastor and my lifegroup leader and he told me that I was going through a "phase" and not to tell anybody because it was against god. Now I'm humanist. I had a fucked up home life up until that point. My step dad was abusive, to my mom. He was a belligerent drunk. I ended up kicking his ass when I turned 15. My Dad was in and out of prison my whole life for drugs. I watched both of my grandparents, who I helped take care of and loved, die slow painful deaths. My mom was a drug addict until I was about 8. I was touched inappropriately by a construction worker that was working on our home when I was 6 or 7. In high school I dealt with it the best I could. I had no friends and I've never been good at socializing. I can only talk about things that are interesting to me. I know that sounds shallow, but it drives me nuts talking about menial shit like the weather or things normal people talk about Drama, work, TV, and other normal stuff. I started drinking heavily when I turned 16. By the time I was 18, I'd get black out drunk once or twice a week. I went to class every morning still slightly buzzed with a hang over. I don't drink anymore because I know that drinking like that is not normal. And I've gained quite a tolerance to alcohol, so its quite pricey to drink and get the same buzz. And I'm finally over the shakes and collective hangover withdraws. While I was in high school I learned a few things about my life. Its a roller coaster. I would go weeks or months feeling like shit, and then I will have an amazing few days, then something would click and I would crash 10000 times harder than how bad i was I was feeling before the few good days. Because of this, every time I have a good few days now I try not to let myself get too happy because I know that if I let my self get too happy It will end, and when it does, the crash is going to hurt like hell. I've been in a relationship for two years with an amazing guy. The relationship started when I came out to my parents, so I was naturally feeling good for about 3 or 4 months when it started. Now I'm back in the depression I was in two years ago in high school. I cry for no reason, I lash out at the people I love, and for the life of me I can't seem to find the purpose of anything. Everything seems so pointless. I know this is bad, but sometimes I think about how easy it would be to just die. I know these thoughts are irrational so I do my best to block them out and I will never act on them, but they are impulsive. When I catch myself thinking about them I do my best to try to think about something else. I can't sleep at night. Even if I know I have to be up at 6am. Last week I only got 15 hours of sleep sunday - thursday night. If I attempt to lay in bed I will just lay there and think for hours and hours which is bad for my mental health. So I just stay up and keep my mind busy by reading, learning something new, or binge watching stupid TV shows. I've tried my best to get on a regular sleeping schedule but it just seems impossible. I still get up and function, but It's not normal. If I don't stay busy 100% of the time I feel like shit. I have to constantly be doing something or else I just feel blah. I am in college, and I took 2 months off for the summer and it is like this. I used work fire and EMS, both jobs are pretty constantly busy, so they would keep me feeling mentally healthy while I was on shift. Now I'm in college studying to be a doctor, and you can't pull overtime in college, so I'm working a part time job. I lift weights because it release endorphins that makes me feel better, but it really isn't cutting it anymore. I feel like shit regardless of how often I lift. I can't really think of anything else. If I do I'll add it.