Am I that terrible of a person???????????

[ket93]

Well PART II of my posts..... I tried to explain as much as I felt needed in my other posts..... with my relationship (or lack of) with my BF(ex?).
Today we got along good I thought.. We texted each other all day off and on as we most always had. Not really talking about anything of what had been going on...
I mentioned that I missed him and loved him and he said he missed me too and loved me too and when I asked if he had thought anything about us he just said he did love me but there were still things he could not deal with ...in other words no more fighting...
and then he went on to say he didnt want to talk about it so I dropped it. I did not want to bring up a sore subject. So I just went on to other stuff...
So then this evening he had called and I was a little busy so asked if I could call him back and he said yea just whenever and said bye. So I got upset because he did that to me yesterday as well, got off the phone very fast without bothering to say I love you or barely giving me time to...
So I sent him a text and now I wish I hadnt... asking if he could just not tell me he loved me anymore? And he replied with something like he had been telling me first anyway and I hung up on him so whatever...
and I just said my feelings were hurt and he said he dont need this shit.
So I said sorry...
But it had really hurt me how he was acting over it so I called him. I really didnt say much. TO be honest I dont really remember what exactly was said... what I do remember is telling him that if he could not tell me he loved me then just to dump me. And he said is that what you want for me to dump you? He was very upset at this point. He said fine then... and how does that feel? Is that what you want? And I dont think I said anything except no because I was just sooo hurt...
So he got off the phone by saying I am not fighting about this and bye...
He has not talked to me all evening...
I am so hurt by all this...
I never meant to fight or bring up anything bad. I just felt bad because I felt like he really didnt care enough to tell me he loved me especially during this hard time we had been going through... I guess maybe I am expecting too much or maybe I just a terrible person????

 

[ket93]

Well after talking to him for a short time earlier after all this happened, he explained to me the reason that he got so upset was because how I brought up that he did not say he loved me... I guess it is really stupid after all... I guess I am so insecure I am always worried about the dumbest things... I just wish I was able to think more of myself. At this rate I will NEVER have anyone in life to be happy with...:sad:

 

[soliloquise]

hi ket
we spoke in chat..
i think you need to work on codependancy and lack of self esteem. that is my opinion. try looking up coda.. there is loads on info on the net. another person cannot make you complete, you have to feel somewhat complete to be with another person in a healthy way . otherwise you end up totally dependant and every word sign etc becomes huge and inevitably screws things up. i know this because i have been there and it sucks. i think if you work on those things you could maybe save your relationship. i hope so?
and no you are not a terrible person at all.
what may help is if you write down a list of what you want to change and your ex do the same. see if you are on the same page. if you are then work together. you could do couples counselling as well as working on yourself. at the moment you are hanging on his every word and have no control of yourself due to that. you have given your power away. you can get it back x

 

[ket93]

I have to agree with you Soli...
I know that I have major self esteem issues...
I also know that I tend to be very dependent of someone when I am in a relationship...
Especially him, because I do love him so much...
Perfect example.. we had been talking and he came down last night to spend New Years with me.. Well we had a really good night. And then had a good day today. I knew he had to go back home early this afternoon because his kids were coming back.... but I guess in my mind I assumed I would go back to his house with him because we usually had spent our free time with each other for the most part... and since we had not been together much since Sat then I figured he would want to see me more today...
Well we had went to eat and on the way back to my house he mentioned something that made me believe he was going home without me. This made me very upset and hurt to say the least. I tried not to show it but he knew I was upset. When I told him that I just thought I would be going back home with him to his house he said that he had a lot to do and had to get up early for work... and also mentioned he needed some more space because things were still fresh to him from our "breakup". So I was not happy about it but I said ok. As I talked to him before he was leaving I broke down, I could not help it. I just missed what we once had and am very sad that it has came to be like this... It hurts me very deeply. So he said if I wanted to come up to come up. At that point I told him I did not feel like it because after what he said before I really did not feel truly wanted. He said it was not that he didnt want me there, just that he did have stuff to do and needed some time... SO I said ok, and we left it at that. Although he did tell me before he left that if I wanted to come I could. Well of course I would love to have went to his house, but I guess I feel now like an intruder almost... I dont know. Just very hurt and lost and lonely right now. I know I cannot be that way, but I love him so much...