ana won't leave me alone

[KimKim]

I lowered my weight from about 65kilo to 56kilo during the last few month. my parents became worried so my dad talked to me about eating disorder and dieting. Of course he was right: I was wasting away by starving at least 2 days a week and eating NOTHING that i wasn't forced to...by now I eat 3 to 4 times a day. at first to keep my weight of then between 57 and 58 kilogram. But I work out almost daily and really what what I eat so i finally reached 56kilo this morning.
Somehow I´m stuck...I´ve made plans on how to get my metabolic form "ana-mode" back to normal and even told my mom about the technique I´m going to use-thats a step forward...but i KNOW, once my metabolic is running faster again I will abuse it to loose more weight... although 56 was my final goal...that sucks ~.~

I want to get better...I want to eat like a normal person but on the other hand I want to lose weight so badly!

 

[total eclipse]

That is where the obsessive thinking come into play i hope you have a good therapist to help you heal hugs

 

[Axiom]

Maybe you can post everyday here on how you're feeling as you move forward. You have the right mentality with you. I know you feel and possibly know yourself that you will flip on it. But if you can identify when you want to harm your body, maybe come on here and post about how you feel, and re-read your own posts about how you want to get better.
And people here will post back to you too. It's a daily thing, it could be an hourly thing at times. But you can do it. You're already proving that to yourself. You want to get better. It's time to strengthen your body and your desire to want to get better.
Maybe, if you post, start thinking not just about keeping up with eating, but the things you can do when your body is stronger. Tease yourself with possibilities.

And above all, if you faulter, don't beat yourself up. Cause you can come back from it again, just as you are right now

 

[KimKim]

wow, thanks...that's so motivating to read ö.ö
a friend once told me "I'm worried about you but somehow I feel like you're to smart for anorexia."
where I am now i can look at myself as from outside and I see when I'm doing well and when I start to struggel again...
You are right; I should post here regulary...maybe not daily...I got a diary where I write down how i feel and how my diet is going...writing my thoughts down is hepfull but the paper doesn't answer...You guys do^^
Thanks for supporting me during al my ups and downs =)

 

[Odyssey]

a friend once told me "I'm worried about you but somehow I feel like you're to smart for anorexia."

KimKim, I am not coping with an undereating disorder in the sense that I am obsessive over my weight (though I do have problems with remembering/desiring to eat), but my best friend struggles with anorexia. I want you to know that eating disorders are not something people do because they don't know the consequences or aren't "smart". Clearly you are a good example of this yourself, and my best friend is, too. I hear similarities between your description of your experiences and hers. She is a brilliant woman and works very hard at managing her various conditions, including her anorexia, but she worries about her weight every single day, and every single meal is a battle of wills between the part of her that knows what and how much she needs to eat and the part of her that insists she should limit what she eats or not eat at all. You are not "stupid" for feeling these things, nor are you weak. Having these thoughts and feelings and struggling with them does NOT mean you aren't a worthwhile person. I agree with the suggestions of the other people who have commented about journaling, posting here, and re-reading your posts. You are expressing that you want to be more healthy and that you are willing to work at it, and to me that shows dedication. Feel free to PM me if you ever need/want to do so.

 

[KimKim]

Actually I do feel similar...I know that I could and should eat WAY more but somehow I'm scared to...I step up and down the scale at least 3 times a day to check, if I really didn't gain. Just ate a pizza...I didn't want to but my mom had already put it into the oven so I couldn't make a separate meal for myself. So peeled off most of the cheese to feel better about it...I liked the taste...but I feel like it wasn't worth it. I saw on the packing that one pizza of this kind had almost 1000kcal! Thought I only hat an apple for breakfast and gonna have salad for dinner, I feel like I have to burn it off right know!
I know that other people think I'm beautiful-almost perfect. Rational they are right. And I'm told several times every day "You are so pretty", "That looks great on you", "I'd die to have a body like yours"...but it doesn't make me happy...maybe a little proud but it only lasts a few seconds.
I'm obsessive about something that I know is not going to make me happy.

 

[SashaJade]

:hug:

I know how you feel sweetie; My best friend thinks ana is her best friend... I hope you feel better soon :wub:

 

[Kathy]

The main thing that helped me to overcome my eating disorder was to take away what the obsession was over.
I asked myself what it was really about. Was I really unhappy with my weight? I wasn't. I've just always been a very obsessive person. I use my obsessions to distract my mind from other things. This meant I had to take away what I was being obsessed by. I was obsessed by the counting of calories, and the planning of meals. I was obsessed by watching the weight on the scales go down.
I forced myself to stop counting calories. Although I realise how hard this is, when you're mind automatically calculates it for everything I eat. I stopped weighing myself. This was the main thing that helped me I think. If you stop weighing yourself it takes away the thing giving you the pleasure from not eating. The times that i felt good about what i'd done was when I weighed myself and knew i'd lost weight. If I didn't have this anymore what reason did I have to starve myself anymore?

I know how hard it is to get out of this cycle, but it's worth it. I've been free of it for almost 2 months now, excluding a minor few day relapse. I'm always here if you ever want to talk

 

[KimKim]

omfg...I'm sure that this is NOT gonna work for me. Of course I'm obsessive about my weight. But I also really care about my health. I try to give my body what it needs. I do not only check on the calories. I also try to watch the carbohydrates, fat, minerals, vitamins and proteins my food contains.
I eat enough and hardly loose weight at the moment...I don't feel "disordered"...just obsessive^^

The death of a friend of mine (suicide) about a week ago made me think a lot about life. And one of the solutions a found was that I want to live. I never really wanted to but now I do. And to live my life to the fullest I need a body that works. I need legs that are strong enough to carry me. I don't want to disappear...just wanted to share this thought with you^^

 

[KimKim]

it sucks...it just sucks...I still eat too little. but i don't want to eat more-i just don't want to!
it feels so awful...i just wanna run and run and keep on running the whole night to make sure, I burn all the calories I ate today...and to know that all this I ate was still not enough...I don't want to gain TT.TT

but even though my gynecologist gave me an other pill, I still have these annoying spotting -.-'...have them since I started to diet strictly...I thought they were gone but this morning when I went to the bathroom, I had two reasons to be upset: They were back! >.< and I did not loose more than a few grams during this week...

tomorrow I have my weekly refeed-day and on Mondays try to stick with proteins...I don't know whats missing in my nutrition...but my mum said she thinks that it's because I never really combine food and that some mote carbohydrates and and least SOME fat could make a difference...I hope that she is right...and that it won't make me gain!

maybe I should own a new mirror...maybe if the angle in which I look at my legs is different, they will look slimmer...In my mirror I always look fat. that's why I walked out with high-heels today...they make you look more skinny...but on my way home I changed to ballerinas because somehow I didn't care...and then I looked into the window of the train's door...and my legs were so much slimmer as I would have expected...