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And here I am YET AGAIN!!!!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by GoldenPsych, Sep 24, 2010.

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  1. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member


    I don't know why I am writing this, maybe it helps me getting it written down or being able to be totally honest with a virtual someone who doesn't know me.

    Anyway, I have been on here before but to save you from re-reading all my crap!!

    Firstly my history. In 2006, I first recognised I was depressed. I sought help via my GP and was given meds to try and help. By Christmas 2006 I was self harming. At this point I was 22 and had never self harmed before, not in the typical ways or as self harm, maybe the alcohol intake was subconcious self harm and picking at wounds and things but it was never intentional. But it became intentional in 2006. Things got steadedly worse and I was refered to a social worker at my local hospital. I saw him a few times and felt that connected with him and things seemed to get better for a while. However, in 2007 I first made a suicide attempt. There was 2 half attempts to see if it would work and then a quite serious one where I took a massive od. My boyfriend at the time figured it out by going through my bag and finding emplty packets. Things seemed to calm down a while but come summer 2008 I was self harming by cutting on a much more regular basis and also it was a weekly occurance that I was taking overdoses, each week taking more and more and mixing drugs and alcohol. I was living on my own at this point and no one knew what was going on and I used to time it so that should what I wanted to happen, happen then it would be at least 4 days before anyone suspected anything of anything happening to me. But after a few weeks of this I managed to pull myself out of it and actually went to work in a psychiatric unit, which in some strange way helped me loads. I think it was not wanting to end up like on of the patients and seeing how they were treated with no compassion or care made me pull myself out of it. There was still the odd occasion of self harm and drinking to excess and becomming violent to my partner but things seemed to have calmed down. Last September my boyfriend of 8 years broke up with me and surprisingly I handled it really well. No major self harm, no suicide attempts, not sinking in to a bad depression again. I moved out of the house that we shared but then found a new method of self harm. Blood letting. I was able to obtain needles through work and I was putting these in to my veins to let the blood flow through them. I found quite a lot of release in this and was a regular occurance. I only realised recently that this is a known method of self harm and it can be quite dangerous.

    There was also an occasion in March where I drank far too much and then went on to try and hang myself in a alley in the centre of town. I was found and taken to the hospital. I was unconcious and I was told if I hadn't have been found I would have died. I felt quite let down by this on 2 accounts, one that I was found and didn't suceed and the other being that i was stupid as was unfair to put other people in the position of finding me etc.

    So I went travelling for 3 months on my own which was amazing and there was only one occasion where I self harmed by cutting but before it got too bad I managed to pull myself back from it.

    On returning home I seemed to have been ok. However, about a month ago I got too intoxicated again and I can't remember much of it but the hospital said they ran blood tests and they found high levels of benzo's in my blood which would indicate that I had taken a few diazepam with the alcohol. I can't remember doing so. But even since then I have felt really positive but then the other night I don't know what came over me and I took the rest of the diazepam I had in the house about 15 of them and also a load of my antidepressants. I was taken to hospital and can't remember much apart from being in the recus room and then being moved to a ward on monitors. I was in for 2 nights being monitored as my heart rate was very high. Although I have not had the feelings of being down so much before now (ok, so I was self harming by the blood letting but that was more for release) I now seem to have all of a sudden hit rock bottom again and I am worried that I will end up back at the stage I was 2 years ago. I am trying so hard not to self harm tonight. I did tell one friend about the blood letting method and she took my only needle I think as I can't find it anywhere. All I want to do now is make that cut. I don't think I want to die, not at the moment but it seems as though with me my pattern is starting off with the regular self harm and then it gets worse and worse until I do think about suicide. I am finding it odd that I feel like this as everything seems to be working out for me at the moment. I am enjoying being single, I have a good social life, I have good friends (they don't know the extent of my problems though as I don't want to burden them with it), I have just started on a course that I have been wanting to do for the past 2 years and have worked so hard to get on to this masters that I am actually quite proud of myself. Everything should be great, I should be feeling great, yet for some reason I don't. I am feeling very low and depressed again. It may sound weird but when I am low I smell this smell that isn't actually there. I don't know how common this is. And because of the career that I want to go in to I am worried that if I divulge too much information then it could impede my future career. The thing is at the moment I do want a future. I just don't want it to be like this. I know depression is one of those things that can just come and go whenever, but it totally disables me when I feel bad. I can't concentrate, I have no motivation, I get paranoia and anxiety attacks. Before now i have hidden in a wardrobe thinking that the person at the door was "the men in white coats". I have been in hospital (as a worker) on the psychiatric wards getting paranoid that I was patient and the doctor was there to assess me and not the patient I was chaperoning.

    So as you can probably tell I am getting quite worried. Tonight all i want to so is cut. I would let but can't find the needle. The only reason I moved on to blood letting was to minmize scaring and no one can tell you have done it as just looks like you have had a blood test. In fact I have already pretty much decided I am going to self harm tonight as I don't actually think I will be able to relax without being able to do so. If I had a reason to do it I could reason with myself but I don't. That's why I am feeling so frustrated and so low as I have no reason to be and it is driving mad.

    Is there anything I can do in the mean time other than contacting my GP as I already have done so today, she will refer me on somewher else but what can I do in the mean time.

    Thanks for listening/reading
  2. stig

    stig Well-Known Member

    Hun, you sound like you are in so much pain. please take it easy. blood letting and self harming are not good. are you able to get to see a counsellor?
    the alcohol is no good for you, i know. i'm the same, i can't leave the alcohol alone. I have tried suicide 6 times. i was drunk at every attempt. it is a nasty spiral, you drink because you hurt, you hurt because of the drink. have you thought about rehab? they don't just deal with drug and alcohol abuse, they also help you to understand how your head works. please try and get some help hun. what you are doing to yourself is not right. pm me if you want to talk. i will do whatever i can to help you. stay strong, stay safe.
  3. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I don't want rehab, I don't want people to know what it going on. The thing is I work in mental health ( I know ironic) and I want a career in it. I have actually just started on a Masters. I was in on Tuesday and supposed to be in Wednesday and Thurs but as of the OD I was stuck in hospital. The staff were nice to me this time. But then I was so out of it and not my usual obnoxious self when I have taken OD's in the past. I don't want people knowing what is going on in my head. I can't be working with these people in 2 years time when I qualify and have them know that they spoke to me as a patient when I was bad. I have been in so many ambulances now, so many taxi's to hospital pissed off my head when I have cut requiring stitches that even now I get paranoid every time I see an Ambulance or have to get a taxi through work. I worry I will see people I know now through work. Believe it or not I want to be an Adult Mental Health Social Worker....my inspiration being the guy I used to see at the local hospital when I was bad. I want to work on the cricis team, I want to do my AMHP's training eventually. I have these plans for the future but how do I cope with the present when I don't even know what is causing it!
    I don't want to be another statistic, another "oh one of those". I know. I have worked with "those" people. I am still in arguemtns over the diagnosis as I do not believe I am a PD patient. I don't know what it is. But I really don't think that. I could tell yesterday when being assessed by the psych nurse he was brushing me off as he saw PD on my file and thought I am not getting in to that. I worked in a secure unit for PD patients for over a year and I know I am not that. It is my coping strategy, just the thing is...at the moment, I do not know what I am trying to cope with!
  4. stig

    stig Well-Known Member

    hun, most of the alcohol and drug abuse counsellors are ex addicts. please get help. can you not get help away from where you go to college/uni? can you get time out to help yourself. you need to fix you before you can fix others.
    get help hun. please. there are people out there who can help you. I can offer advice based on what i have been through. you need to get someone who can help you sort you thoughts out. to focus your thoughts on where you are.
  5. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I've realised something just now. I am still going to but it is my attempt to get help. I am going to cut. I am not going to try and kill myself. I am going to cut cos I have been wanting to all day. I don't know how many times I can ask for help and be palmed off somewhere else, be told it's my personality - well that's a great one, makes you feel even worse. I am drinking, I am going to drink to numb and then I am going to take the blade to my leg again. I know that seems like a drastic measure but id no one is listening and I can't get help than how else can I!
  6. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    hi goldenpsych, i'm back here too after a year or more away. nice to know that this place will have us no matter what, at least that's how i feel.

    i'm also self harming these days. i bet you've seen those list of distractions, ie things to try instead. if not let me know and i'll find the link for you. the last time i was in hospital they printed out the list for me. we all self harm for different reasons -- anger, frustration, fear, sadness, grief, boredom... maybe if you get some clarity into the reasons why you can lessen its power over you. my therapist asks me to write when i self harm. why i want to, what i want to say, what the scars say, etc. i still cut but the writing helps.

    i think you'll be a great mental health worker. because of your own experiences in the system you probably have great empathy for what other people are going through. congrats on getting into the master's program. that's a great accomplishment. i'll be cheering you on!

    welcome back.
  7. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

  8. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Hey guys....

    Thanks for the support. I still went ahead and cut. I did it quite bad. They wanted me to stay in at the hospital but I discharged myself. I am not going to hang around somwhere near to where I work. I am not going to see Psychological medicine dept when I only saw them on Thursday. I know what you guys are going to say that I should have seen someone. However, I have seen my GP I went yesterday told her things were going bad and I was struggling. She is refering me on to someone else. So I am just waiting to hear from them and in the mean time there is not a lot else I can do. So, I will carry on soldiering on. If I get a phone call from DPM in the mean time I will go see them and I admit I am worried that things will get worse. The only thing I have on my side at the moment is that I don't actually want to kill myself. Not at the moment anyway. I need to try and keep on top of it. I will try, I will limit my alcohol intake and I am going to try and avoid keeping cutting implements in the house. I will do what I can. I will try and keep updating people on here as I know people have followed. Especially Catherine and a special thanks goes out to you.

  9. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Golden and so glad you decided to come back for the support you need...it sounds like such an awful battle you are going through...and how sad, but true, that insight alone does not help...please continue to keep us posted and hope you can find some other way of comforting yourelf today...big hugs, J
  10. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I called a friend earlier and asked her to come over and told her what happened over the past few days. Was good to get it off my chest and have some company. It was hard telling her but I needed to have someone to tell and someone to come and give me a hug. She told me to call the department I saw on Thursday when I was assessed. So I did and explained to the person on the phone that I cut last night, the worst I have ever done and I left before speaking to anyone from the Dept of Psych Med (DPM) as I just had to get out the hospital as was feeling very anxious. She said she would look in to whether or not I had been refered again. I said I wouldn't have been as I left before they would have had chance to get the referal in.

    She then said she would look what the nurse I saw on Thursday said and I said to her that he was just looking at it as a blip and so wasn't going to do anything. I made an emergency appointment at my GP on Friday and she is refering me on to this team who will meet and discuss my case and then they decide what they want to do. So how long that will take who knows. So the woman at the DPM said the only thing I could do if I was feeling really bad was to go back to A&E and they would refer from there.

    I really don't want to go back to to A&E so I am hoping things don't get to that stage. I just hope I don't get mega anxious or paranoid or have more urges to cut. I was hoping they would just say pop in for a chat this afternoon. I don't know what I expect to happen if I did go in. I think just some general reassurance from someone who knows what they are on about. But then I am mental health trained, why don't I just think of what would say to a patient in my position. And now I feel as though I am crap at my job also! GREAT!
  11. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Goldenpsych. Keep fighting the urges to cut, because that will only make things worse. You need some positive coping strategies that allow you to release some frustration without harming your body. How are you feeling today? :hug:
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