Anorexia

[Dani24]

eating disorders are not glamours. I am not so sure I want to recover. I like the feeling of being hungry and sick. Is that weird? This disorder is all I ever know. So, once it’s gone i don’t know who I am. i miss being cold all the time. i miss knowing the exact amount of calories i had that day.i miss seeing the number on the scale go down. I miss feeling of an empty stomach.
i really messed up.

 

[tago-mago]

I think I know how you might feel. I was anorexic as a kid. I think what drove me to it was a feel of *finally* having a sense of control over my body, which was always a point of ridicule by others. Then my switch flipped and then I started eating for comfort. Eating disorders are really confusing, and I just want you to know you aren't alone, and to please keep going towards your recovery. If it helps, I can give you some advice as to what got me out of my anorexia, but I understand sometimes we just need to be heard. I hear you.

 

[Dani24]

How you get out of it

 

[tago-mago]

There was these books, Wild Fermentation by Sandor Ellix Katz and Cooked: A Natural History of Transformation by Michael Pollan. I do not pretend to have the only answer, but when I started incorporating the process of making sourdough bread, sausages, churning butter, fermenting vegetables... etc in to my life, I gradually healed. Whenever I ate, I didn't feel like I had to force myself to eat (which I think I had the biggest problem with. Like you said, I too, felt comfortable in feeling hungry), nor did I feel like I had to limit myself (which weirdly frustrated myself, at the same time). Granted, I am petite, but I felt like there was something in the process of preparing and dining on this (imo, more traditional) way of eating, that I no longer felt the need to count calories or endlessly read about nutrition. I also think the level of control I felt over myself with the counting calories turned into exercising control over my pantry and whatever fermentation projects I have going. I hope that can help. I don't think there is only one answer, but this is what helped me and I hope it can help you, too.

 

[Harmony]

I like the feeling of being hungry and sick. Is that weird?

I wouldn't say it is weird, but it is part of the disorder and the sense of control it gives you. It's a slippery slope, not to be taken lightly. As you probably already know it has the highest fatality rate of all mental illnesses. I would recommend looking into CBT with a therapist specializing in eating disorders.

 

[MisterBGone]

They have specialized programs for this. But in the absence of that, or even in conjunction with, I agree and believe that seeing both psychiatry & psychology is key to perhaps unlocking the key for you, to defeat this. I’ve always been told, or understood it as a mental disorder (or illness), in terms of its classification. . . And so paramount to it is finding out the ‘root cause,’ of why the behavior is occurring. In other words, to tackle the issue of “food,” is only treating the symptoms. (Kind of...) I don’t fully understand it my self. But I had a very close friend who nearly died of it at about 25? (She was working on her Master’s) and anyway, I remember her telling me, at times, after all that starvation, she’d run through like 3,4,5 fast food drive thru’s consecutively... & then bring them home! I thought she was joking - one time, I’m sitting with her in the living room. I’m on the floor and she’s lying on her back on the couch 🛋 this is after she’d returned from a home visit at Christmas, in which her Mother began bursting into tears as apparently the sight of her was that shocking to see... but I’m asking her, can I put my hand on your stomach? And she nodded, “yes!” So, I do. . . And my immediate reaction was, “oh my god! It’s FLAT!!!!” ( And she goes) — “it needs to be Concave!!!” :/ yikes, I thought, and that when I knew . . . I wasn’t doing her much good by bringing her out to eat, and forcing her to order all of these hearty meals, or filling up her fridge with groceries. Whatever was at the bottom , or Heart of all of this— (was something much deeper!) /// good news is : she’s recovered; but not with out help, and treatment..:^) so, it can be done ✅