another day down the fucking shitter

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by longingforpeace, Jan 19, 2009.

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  1. longingforpeace

    longingforpeace Active Member

    I'm like the walking dead. It's like I can't find any real joy in life. The things I "enjoy" to do are simply done to distract away from the glaring blob of misery that makes up this existance. How could I be so stupid as to get knocked up knowing what a fucked up mess of a woman I am? How could I continue this human tragedy? And my sons father is an idiot. I don't love him. I don't even like him. There he is--sitting in prison while I rot in my own personal prison. We are both stuck inside a prison for which there is no escape. I find myself hoping to turn on the news one day and find out that nuclear war has broken out. So all of us vile human parasites can just fucking die already. Everywhere you look you see sickening human cruelty. It just gets worse and worse. It's no wonder depression is more prevalent than it's ever been. Then you have religious people spouting off about how they have all the answers to why we're here and how we should live our lives. How wrong they have it. True wisdom is realizing just how fucking clueless we are. Not that it helps you cope with human existance. I'm just so sick of life.
     
  2. Xian

    Xian Well-Known Member

    you're right about humanity i think. at least you have a son, some of us will never get the chance to be parents.
     
  3. longingforpeace

    longingforpeace Active Member

    And I wish I could have been one of those women that can't have children...because quite honestly I don't enjoy being a mother and don't feel I'm cut out for it. But I think I have more of a negative attitude about it because of the circumstances. Like I said, my sons father is in prison and has been since before my son was even born. I have gone through absolute hell these past two years because I've had to bear the weight of responsiblility on my own...with very little support from others. The main source of support I was relying on got himself locked up. Now I have no freedom, no social life, barely any money, no support from anyone, and I'm supposed to consider it a blessing that I have to entertain a two year old while feeling completely depressed day in and day out. What happens is that I shut down emotionally and end up neglecting my son. I mean, I still feed him, change him and give him hugs and kisses...I just can't bring myself to sit and play with him for hours at a time...and I yell at him when I get frustrated with him for whatever reason. Then I get even more depressed because I know I'm a shitty mother and think that I should have just given him up for adoption. Enter the suicidal thoughts. Because I feel guilty when I think that and start to wonder if I even love my child. And if I don't love the child I so carelessly brought into this world then I am am just dispicable and would be better off dead.
     
  4. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Can't any friends or relatives help you out.
     
  5. longingforpeace

    longingforpeace Active Member

    Half of my family moved to New York just recently in an attempt to "disown" the other half. The other half live four hours away from me. And nobody really gets along. It's like the only thing we can feel towards one another is either contempt or apathy. Although I was only close to one family member growing up (my sister), I became very alienated from the rest of my family as a teenager because we lived with an abusive stepfather and the rest of the family knew but did not reach out to us. And I couldn't bring myself to reach out to them because I felt they did not care. My family is very superficial and uncommunicative when it comes to talking about anything "real"...anything that might destroy the fantasy thats been built that nobody has any problems and life is just fucking perfect. We all know thats not true but actually coming out and talking about your problems would be breaking the number one cardinal rule of silence. It's hard to describe. As far as friends, I have only two. I had more before I got pregnant but they fell away. I feel like I am losing one of the two because she does not respect me any more or know how to relate to me. It hurts very much, but I know I deserve it for the depraved and pathetic way I've been living my life these past few years. I know that its because I have very low self-esteem...and after the events of the past few years it has plummetted to an all time low. I feel like I don't know myself at all anymore. And I really do not love or respect myself. I find myself thinking that I am so fucked up at this point that I'm beyond any help. Which inevitably leads me to thoughts of suicide...because I think that may be the only way to escape the torment. To be honest, the only thing that stops me is my fear of what lies on the other side. It may be better but it may be worse. How do I know? My father committed suicide in a ghastly way when I was fifteen and I often wonder if he is in a better place now. Then I become very depressed at the thought that he may still be suffering in the afterlife. I keep thinking that I could have stopped him, talked him out of his depression if only I had been there for him more. And I think of how much better my life would be if he was still here because I know he would be there for me like nobody else is in the family.
     
  6. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Are you still close with your sister? Also can your friend help you out?
    If you did end your life, then one day your son may well think about the same things you have written on her and thought about. Perhaps he will one day think about having the chance to have stopped you ending your life.

    Your in tough circumstances but nothing is written in stone, so things can still get better.
     
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