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Anyone suffering from BDD here?

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by lampoonland, Oct 27, 2012.

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  1. lampoonland

    lampoonland Account Closed

    As the title says,it'd be good to chat with other sufferers who have been reduced to contemplating suicide because of Body Dysmorphic Disorder.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hugs to you hun
  3. lampoonland

    lampoonland Account Closed

    Thanks :smile-new:
  4. jugglerjay

    jugglerjay New Member

    Yes and i know that i shouldn't be :S.

    I'm 6"7 and really quite fit i excercise all the time i eat right and i don't drink and yet i still hate myself sometimes and i'm not sure why.

    I have felt crappy since i was about 16 and i'm now 21 i was born with a pectus carinatum which is a visble deformity of the chest plate. Whilst it can be very severe and noticeable mine actually isn't that bad and as i have got older and filled out it has become a lot less prononuced then my little brothers (who suffers very heavily with BDD more so then me).

    It has been a major issue with my self image threw out my life with my tactics for dealing with it being putting on weight to try and lesten its visibilty as well as always wearing clothes that are too big for me (which as a tall big guy is pretty damn hard too do)

    However very few people have ever had a problem with it i have only had 1 girl ever tell me it was "weird" and she was actually really superficial now that i look back on it and all of the girls i have dated have been completly fine with it and one of them even said she was glad that i had it as it made me so unique and helped to keep me humble and not superficial.

    But even when i was dating her i was still embarrased to be seen with my top of at a beach or a swimming pool ( i actually hadn't been to a swimming pool in almost 4 years until last week).

    And then last year a friend of mine encouraged me to get fit with him (he is also a tall guy but he's really muscley and fit but a really nice quiet guy not your usual meat head gym goer either). He took me along and showed me what to do and how to make sure i didn't hurt myself and what things to watch out for as a tall guy and i kept him company and gave him support and a push when he was tired etc. This was really hard for me as i had avoided all physical activity as gym clothes would only make my chest more visble and highlight how tall and skinny i was compared to normal people. But i went and his encourement helped me to stick with it and keep it up.

    It's almost 11 months since then and i am now probably the fittest guy i know (after my training friend that is :) ) i moved away and have been training completely on my own for the past 3 months now which was hard as i still walk into the gym and expect everyone to laugh at me right away for being skinny as i still see myself as that super skinny guy.

    I still hate myself at times and i still feel all the time how perfect and easy my life would be if my chest was normal, how much more confidence i would have and how easy it would be to chat to girls and things but it's not so bad.
    Because i know that even if my chest is weird i am damn fit now and i work hard for this i don't quite have a 6 pack (only 4 :sad: ) but i will and that's more then probably 9 out of 10 guys i know so even when i hate myself and feel shitty and spend the whole day eating brownies on the couch ( like today) i know that i have more drive and focus then them and sometimes that's enough.

    Sorry if that was a long (semi rant) but i just wanted to share that with you and say that even though i was born with a physical issue with my body i am getting more proud of myself every day and now that i have something to dedicate myself to whenever i get sad or annoyed at the way i look i have a healthy outlet so much so that i am getting less sad about it and doing it for fun alot of the time now :).
  5. lampoonland

    lampoonland Account Closed

    Well kudos to you Jugglerjay.It sounds like you're well on the way to defeating the monster that is BDD.I'm glad you've managed to catch it relatively early.I'm a lot older than you (40),and BDD has assimilated every aspect of my being,and I'm afraid I've lost all hope of overcoming it.
    I used to try to compensate for my lack of looks by working on my physique like yourself.I thought that maybe if I had a good body,women might overlook my ugly face.It proved a futile exercise though (excuse the pun),and now in middle age I've still only ever had one intimate relationship (which I'm deeply embarrassed and ashamed about).I am unable to work,have lost all my friends,am living on the breadline,and my family have disowned me.Turning 40 this year felt like the beginning of the end for me.
    I'm so sorry this reply is so depressing,but unfortunately that's my reality.
    I hope you can be there for your younger bro and help him work through this too;I wouldn't want anyone to end up like me when they're my age.
    Keep up the good work man...you'll have those extra 2....uh...'packs' in no time :wink:
  6. Atompilz

    Atompilz Well-Known Member

    I suffer from BDD too, am 36 and it gets worse with each year, something new to pick on, obsess over and hate about myself. I've had it all my life and even did a diploma in beauty therapy just so I would know all the tricks to be able to do really good makeup, hair and anything to hide myself with, am obsessed with extravegant clothes to detract away from what I look like. It is an awful thing to live with and a disorder very few understand as so many, even nice people, seem to think it is about being vein and wanting to be pretty when we just want to feel normal. When I look at other people, nomatter who they are, I just see good things in them but can't in myself. If I see a girl who is very overweight I just think how pretty she is or what nice skin or hair she has, I pay people compliments all the time when I like something and to make them feel nice but I can't do the same to myself. I've been single pretty much 12 years and feel too ugly for anyone to want to be with me. Even if I get chatted up I presume they would be repulsed if they saw me naked or without makeup. The logical part of me then thinks that if they were that superficial I wouldn't want to be with them anyway, then I just feel stupid and hate myself more, feel like I should be happy to have limbs, sight etc. but it doesn't stop my mind going over and over. In one minute it can go from hating my teeth, my fat body, my skin and wrinkles, stretchmarks to planning getting braces, losing weight, having surgery then i remember that my health problems prevent me from exercising and can't afford surgery. One day i hate my nose the next I am onto something else, it is never ending and gets worse as I age. I feel so sorry for anyone who goes through this, I wouldn't wish it on anyone especially as it is so misunderstood.XXX
  7. jnick

    jnick Well-Known Member

    Yes. I have had OCD since early childhood and I am now 35. I had fairly severe acne in high school but didnt let it hinder me from social things, girls, etc. I was left with some scarring that bothered me for some time but eventually adjusted and was confident for years. One day during a particularly stressful time in my life I started to scrutinize my appearance and thought part of my face was "too hard" and more like scar tissue than regular skin. This kicked off a period of me rubbing my face constantly, constant examination, and ultimately led to new scarring. That was over three years ago. I cannot forgive myself for damaging myself. I long for the days I used to get up, shave, get dressed and go about my day with confidence. My world came unhinged as my positive self image changed into something I dont really understand. I try the whole you are still very attractive, it is only minor routine, etc. but I am still fixated. Life used to be fun, I used to like myself and enjoy getting to know attractive women, I loved myself but was not a stuck up asshole. I went from admiring myself in mirrors to hating myself in mirrors to avoiding them. People that have perfect skin have no idea what it is like. Unfortunately this is my situation and really the driving force behind my suicidal tendencies. I have dealt with extreme OCD, Depression, Alcoholism and it all pales in comparison to this. Music, literature, film, beautiful women are all wasted on me now, they have no effect. I awake thinking about my face, I dream about it, it is always on my mind. Ive become a shitty father because of this, on and on. Ive stopped speaking about it because nobody wants to hear the shit. Would you want to be around someone that constantly complains and talks about their problems? Me neither.

    Oh yeah, Ive lost the love of my life, my career, and the respect of my family, just to name a few.
  8. SAVE_ME

    SAVE_ME Well-Known Member

    *Raises hand* MEEEEEEEE! Only, with me it isn't just a disorder. I KNOW I'm ugly, both inside and out.
  9. CGMAngel

    CGMAngel SF Supporter

    I have struggled with BDD for more than 30 years. It wouldn't be so bad if everyone didn't STARE at me all the time when I am outside! I call it "The Three Ds" - disgust, disdain, and disbelief. That is what I see in the eyes of strangers.

    No wonder I am becoming a self-imposed prisoner inside my four walls. How I long to be invisible!

    Good to know I am not alone in this.
  10. forced

    forced Member

    Wish I got a chance to chat with you again.
  11. Zamyotov

    Zamyotov New Member

    Yeh I tend to take this view, when I read about BDD the descriptions tend to stress an imaginary flaw or concern the person suffering from BDD will stress over. But really I know that I'm not imagining anything when I'm having a perfectly fine day until I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror somewhere and think "well that's me, how awful".

    Anyway it's prevelant in my life now to an almost comical degree, before I leave my house I check every mirror in every room, I go to the bathroom to check my appearance literally everywhere and as I live in a small town I know the locations of pretty much every publicly available mirror and sometimes I just wander around checking all of them.

    It's funny when I take drugs or something and experience a different state of mind I will habitually wander into the bathroom, stand at the most flattering spot in the most flattering angle and think to myself "this is really how I live my life every single day? And for years now?".
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