Are you able to function?

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Auerbach, Jul 14, 2014.

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  1. Auerbach

    Auerbach Well-Known Member

    For the past year my life has been hell, my anxiety, depression, and OCD have been severe. I had to take this past semester off due to problems with my medications. After coming off my meds in January the withdrawals that took a long time to end and then the return of my depression and anxiety, it paralyzed me. I have not felt the same since last year. My OCD is purely obsessional and it takes up so much of my time mentally. I was briefly in an out patient program a few months ago, then left and found a part time job. That is all I have been doing. All the things I used to like doing, my hobbies such as reading, writing, going to the gym, riding my bike, listening to music, watching movies, they don’t do anything for me at all. I don’t feel any better or different doing those things. The only thing I still do is go to work on the days they have me scheduled, it gets me out of the house but the work sucks.

    These days I don’t do much, nothing helps me with my symptoms. I barely make it to work and sometimes it actually makes me feel worse being there since I can’t focus, concentrate or socialize with anyone and my symptoms at work can easily be triggered leaving me feeling ten times worse. They don’t give me that many hours and I am paid almost minimum wage, I think about quitting that job all the time since I hate it so much. I feel like such a failure and so unproductive, it makes me feel guilty and like a loser, like a waste. At home I try doing the things I used to like such as reading books, I am reading a book right now but doing it very slowly, online I read and research a little bit but not as much as I used to. I don’t care to watch anything or listen to music anymore. I don’t feel like doing anything or going out and that makes me feel very guilty. I feel like I should be back to normal and doing the things I liked but I am unable to. It does not matter what I am doing or trying to do, my mind and mood is always with anxiety, sadness, grief, fear, or obsessing about things, I really can’t do much or get past it, it consumes me.

    All I feel like doing is sleeping or sitting down which of course is not good either so I force myself to exercise and get out. Everyday is a struggle to get out of bed because I know it will be another day of nothingness besides the anxiety, the depression, and the obsessions and ruminations. I am being robbed of my life. I talk to some people and it never helps, I still feel the same, my therapist cannot even help me, I feel we are going in circles. My psychiatrist suggests an out patient program or hospitalization so that I can have time to find the right meds and adjust to them, I would have to quit my job if I went to either of these, which is ok with me, but my job is the only responsibility that I have right now and when I go I force myself to and even though it makes me feel worse or it sucks being there, it gets me out of the house, so I am scared to not have that job. I am scheduled to be back in school full time this coming September but I worry so much that I will still be the same come September. I feel so guilty, worthless, and upset with myself for not be able to live and do normal things the way I used to, I feel like a loser and a failure. I know this is a mental illness and the symptoms are bad, the anxiety mixed with the depression, but I feel like it is my fault for having these symptoms, or like I am using it all as an excuse to give up on everything which makes no sense since before feeling this bad I was able to do things (there goes my analyzing and obsessing). I am mentally paralyzed and being robbed of my life right now, I feel useless, unable to help myself or other people, though I try.

    Is anyone else going through this? Feel similar? Such as not being able to do things or have an occupation such as school or work? If so, how do you cope and how does this make you feel?
     
  2. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    :hug: I understand totally. I too have lost interest in what I used to enjoy doing. The depression takes over me and I just feel like I can't move. I am always reminded of the past which causes my anxiety. I have a job and to be blunt, I don't know how I have managed to do it. There have been times when I have had such bad anxiety attacks at work I have been taken to hospital, so it's not easy.

    I feel helpless as I have no control and I have a pretty sure feeling it won't change for me. However everyone is different. I think perhaps you should focus on one thing: Getting better. I understand that having a job helps you get out the house, but if you carry on you will burn yourself out totally. Focus on finding the one thing that will help you feel better; Be that meds or other coping methods. Just take one thing at a time because when we try to take it all on at once it is beyond scary and seems impossible. But split it up into smaller things and it becomes that much easier to focus on and achieve.

    I dunno if this helps, Im in a bad place myself now but if this could be the last thing I say and it does actually help, it would be something

    :hug:
     
  3. Auerbach

    Auerbach Well-Known Member

    Thanks. I am just not the same anymore. I don't know what is going to happen with the job situation but I am scared and worried of what would happen if I did not have that anymore; loads of anxiety. But i need help, more than just getting out of the house because I have been doing that for months and it has done nothing.
     
  4. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    Just come back from work and what a shit night. Now I wonder more than ever why I even bother with it. I've been fighting with myself over staying or leaving. Currently I am only staying for the money and a few people who I really really get along with and would break my heart to leave...Even though I have a feeling the one person who makes me smile the most won't be there for a long time...That will be a tough day </3

    I understand the anxiety. I had it so bad today but I just thought of a nice place and somehow got through it. Get control of that first (You can do it :) ) And then things will seem a little easier and not so much. I was told breathing excercises and thinking of a "Safe place" I can go to when it gets too much. Oh and writing things down (Or start a private diary in here) can really help <3

    :hug:
     
  5. Auerbach

    Auerbach Well-Known Member

    That is good that you have coping mechanisms and even better that you have friends there. Whatever it is that gives you strength and keeps you going, more power to you.

    I called out again today. I have been calling out a lot recently, I might just get fired. I don't have any friends at work nor do I talk to my co workers much. I am usually alone in my section. One thing is my social anxiety has gotten really bad, I've always had it but now it is really strong, and on top of it my severe depression and anxiety makes me not give a crap to try and talk to people, I do force myself sometimes but it never pays off, nothing changes. So I can't say that i would miss anyone at work or that they would even care if they don't see me again, o well, it's whatever. I guess it would be better if I did have friends there and talk to people, it would make things easier but that has not happened and is the least of my concerns.

    I am not feeling well. Such a failure in every aspect, I always failed socially but it never got to me so much, now since I am going through such a rough patch my lack of a social life and skills makes me feel so bad, so guilty, such a failure as a human being. And even when I do talk to people or go out, it does not help me at all....so i figure what's the point. Now I just sit here and deteriorate, because I am unable to do anything anymore, it is all gone. I can feel it in my bones, how everything is slipping right out of my hands and i just watch by without being able to stop it or intervene.
     
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