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Ever since I was a child I have had strange reactions to several situations that don't seem to even be noticed my most people. I have irrational attachments to inanimate objects. I get very anxious and afraid at certain sounds or sudden movements. I have certain.. ticks.. where I get obsessively stuck on details like.. I have to touch things in a certain order or.. like.. feel a certain pressure when I'm writing with a pen or even typing on my keyboard.. to the point where I have to delete and type it again with the 'right' pressure because I just can't move forward until I do. If I'm getting an egg out of a carton it will take me minutes to choose which eggs I should take.. like I irrational feel that some eggs should (or want to) go first.. I don't know this all sounds so crazy when I type it out. Anyway.. I'm not much for self diagnosis but after hearing a story about an autistic child last night on a podcast I listen to I recognized a lot of similarities between that child and me as a child and as an adult. I decided to go online and take an autism test.. not like a 15 question generic one but a 50 question one that I had to pay for. When I got the results back my score was on the border between 'borderline/high functioning autistic' and 'Fairly prominent autistic symptoms'.

I guess my question is.. what do I do with this information? Should I do anything with it? Does it matter? Is there like.. a different degree of help I'm entitled to if I test as autistic? If I tell my doctor I'm sure she'll react like all medical professionals do to online tests and just roll her eyes and blow it off. But.. I mean.. if I am autistic there should be some studied medical processes that might help me with the effects of living with this right? Or do I just ignore it because.. I've lived my whole life like this anyway and it's not like I'm not used to it.. though.. I find life harder and harder the the older I get.. is there specific help for autistic symptoms that would help my depression or make me feel more human?

I just don't know what to do about any of this I guess.. and I'm wondering if anyone here has experience with autism or how to cope with the obsessive compulsiveness that comes with it.. or how to ask a medical professional about it or what to do to help myself in general.

Or am I just being stupid and assumptive and trying to find reasons why I'm not good at being a person?

Any feedback would be really appreciated.. thanks.


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Seems like a lot of those symptoms could be attributed to anxiety and OCD. If you're interested in medication or therapy you could pursue a diagnosis.
If your Dr. Is rolling their eyes at your concerns I'd shop around for a new one.


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Hi. I agree with mm above. It definitely sounds like OCD. Of course, u could be autistic too. I would ask a doctor to look into this so u can get a diagnosis and proper help. There are meds that will help with these things so u do not have to suffer so much. Best wishes always to u friend. <3
I agree with both MM and Dawn - getting an official diagnosis will help because it can help to pinpoint interventions that may work for you. It can also help you better understand yourself as well as help others understand you. Therapy, medication, and other interventions can help whether it's autism, OCD or something else so I'd definitely ask your doctor for a referral to a Psychiatrist who can give you the best information for you - even better than an online test! Keep us posted on what happens and what you find out!


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I think it goes undiagnosed in a lot of people. I also started considering that I might be autistic once already an adult. Not sure if I am, but some of the descriptions fit. Having something good for tactile stimming like a fidget spinner, or olfactory stimming like smelling salts, or any number of other things that calm your senses are what's most helpful in my experience.


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Thanks guys for the advice.. I don't really want to mention this to my doctor and I don't want to take medication again. For most of my life I lived this way in self hatred and denial.. when it got really bad I would use alcohol to temper the worse symptoms. Then for about 7 years I took medication and it worked.. sort of.. but it only made me numb to my emotions.. sort of like.. being 'okay' with being a mess rather than fixing the mess. Now I've been off medication for about 8 months completely and I'm finding that it's getting harder and harder to deal with everything.. I find that my ocd or autism or whatever is just getting stronger and harder to handle.. it's harder to function at all in the real world.. and I was just hoping to find some ways to cope with it without daily medication. I don't know what's wrong with me.. all I know is that.. I feel like a child most of the time lately and.. if I can't continue to function in the real world.. I'm screwed.. I don't have any family or friends so if I fail.. I fail big.. I'm on the streets.. and very likely I will just end my life. I feel like that's what I'm slipping towards lately.. because I can hardly deal with common day to day situations anymore.. every day I wake up I feel worse than the day before.. I feel immediately like weeping when I realize that I have to struggle through another day. I can't go on like this. Everything feels abrasive and frightening and impossible to me. I hate it. I hate myself for it. I guess I sometimes think if I knew what was wrong with me I'd be able to fix it.. but I doubt that's true.. and if my doctor knew what was wrong with me the solution would be medication.. and I'm done covering up who I am.. if I can't live how I was born I should not live.. not like this.. not anymore.

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Go as long as you can. And then take another step.
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Have you ever looked into studying DBT?
Love you MSG.
Honestly it sounds way more like Anxiety/OCD than autism.
Although I relate to an extent to it, and way more to the social cluelessness of autism than that.
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