After a brief sabbatical, as I call it, I thought wow I got this. Then like a gloomy dark cloud creeping through the air, my epiphany of wellness trickled away with the rain.
All my old ways and thoughts were suddenly #1 in my thought process. No matter how I tried to fight them, distract myself..these invading unwelcome thoughts came through. How unnerving I thought and still think. Not one person in my home,(let's face it I don' venture out often so home is my world) has a clue the war i fight in my head everyday.
Explaining gets me nowhere except a blow out by the time I've exhausted the "nice talk" trying to explain myself and my triggers.
The worst thing I hate is hearing my immediate family talk about me when they know as I've told the I can hear it and to please stop.
I have many faults, I am very aware. Due to my extensive traumas with abusive men, death and near death experiences, and major manipulation fueled by fear, I'm wondering IF I will ever be able to be anything worthy. Seeing how I seem to be problematic with my immediate family and have managed to steer of men out of fear. I feel like it's too late for me and often question my purpose as my children are almost all full grown. Only one left in the house, who was my basis for staying alive. I have a habit of taking every downgrade to me and using it as fuel to the cons of my existence. In all, I feel like a stranger or merely a piece of furniture no one would ever claim.
Feelings. I am alone.
All my old ways and thoughts were suddenly #1 in my thought process. No matter how I tried to fight them, distract myself..these invading unwelcome thoughts came through. How unnerving I thought and still think. Not one person in my home,(let's face it I don' venture out often so home is my world) has a clue the war i fight in my head everyday.
Explaining gets me nowhere except a blow out by the time I've exhausted the "nice talk" trying to explain myself and my triggers.
The worst thing I hate is hearing my immediate family talk about me when they know as I've told the I can hear it and to please stop.
I have many faults, I am very aware. Due to my extensive traumas with abusive men, death and near death experiences, and major manipulation fueled by fear, I'm wondering IF I will ever be able to be anything worthy. Seeing how I seem to be problematic with my immediate family and have managed to steer of men out of fear. I feel like it's too late for me and often question my purpose as my children are almost all full grown. Only one left in the house, who was my basis for staying alive. I have a habit of taking every downgrade to me and using it as fuel to the cons of my existence. In all, I feel like a stranger or merely a piece of furniture no one would ever claim.
Feelings. I am alone.
