Empathy Only Bad suicidal week

[Harrow]

I just need to share a little bit. Hope that's okay.

It has been a very hard week and I've been dealing with suicidal thoughts.
And even though it is what I really want to do more then anything.
Having a way to feel better is more important. And I had to reach out to protect myself.

So I told my mom I was suicidal.

Worst mistake ever.

She asked to talk to me. Then spent about five minutes telling me how it affects her, not once about how I'm doing. Then when I excused myself.
She just started screaming that I'm always going to be like this and now she supposes she has to check on me every five minutes

She then made very sure that I knew there was alcohol and it seemed to me that she gave me the maximum amount of privacy, because she hoped I would do it.

I came so close only thing that stopped me was thinking about her winning.

Since then all she has continued to do is scream, shout, name call and everything else she can.

It feels like she's trying to push me to do it.

And since then,

It is like I have not being able to take a breathe I feel so alone and trapped.
And the pain inside is excruciating.

I am so close to stepping over that line.
And I'm petrified of hurting people.

On the odd occasion when depression is mentioned in this house, she will tell me she is depressed because she is bored. So she understands and then when I'm instantly not better her fury builds white hot.

I'm not depressed because I'm bored. I'm in physical pain in the pit of my stomach. There are no colors any more. I want to destroy myself so badly because the pain is so intense.

But mostly since she reacted like she did, I can't take breath any more I can't explain it, but it's like I am holding my breath to keep the pain and the fear in because if I breath out I won't get it back in and then I will take that step, the one I should not take.

 

[may71]

Sorry that you're going through this

So I told my mom I was suicidal.

Worst mistake ever

That's awful. I guess in some cases, reaching out to a family member is good if they can be supportive, but reactions like this happen too.

I guess I take it as a sign that she's a really horrible person. No good parent would react the way she has.

I remember getting smacked in face by my dad once when I was very young. We were at the beach in the winter or fall with some family friends. I touched the water with my mittens and got them wet. That was apparently enough provocation to smack me hard across the face and start shouting.

In a way, it was kind of helpful, because it was obvious then that something was really wrong with my dad. Like I realized that this was not normal behavior for a parent.

 

[may71]

I hope you'll be ok @Harrow

Hugs

 

[Witty_Sarcasm]

This sounds a lot like my mom to be honest. She manages to make my suicidal ideation worse by how she treats me. So I can relate to this feeling a lot and really sorry to hear you have to deal with it too. Don't let her push you into anything....we care about how you're doing and don't want you to take that step. Please keep posting and talking about your feelings here.

 

[Nick]

@Harrow I'm genuinely sorry your mom reacted that way. It's an incredibly selfish way to react to someone's pain. You feeling worse and unable to breath is understandable, and in your shoes I would feel that same. You are worth so much more than that. You deserve so much better. Please know you can always reach out here.

 

[Sunspots]

I'm so sorry she's treating you like this. It's so hard to reach out but to then be met with that kind of reaction is just hideous. You deserve better than that.
We'll always be here for you.

 

[Atreides]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Whatever happens you can't let her win. Please continue to share with us.

 

[Jane65]

@Harrow I'm so sorry your mum is treating you so badly. I think what @may71 said might really help you to hear though.... the way your mum has reacted could tell you what a terrible mother she is. Maybe it also might tell you what an amazingly resourceful, strong and brave person you are to have survived so long having been created by such a dreadful parent!
I can understand that feeling of not being able to breathe. My mother used to make me feel so uptight it was as if I had to hold myself so tight to stop myself from exploding, that I couldnt even breathe.
My mother is now dead (some relief) and I have also discovered mindful meditation. When I am totally full of the pressure of feelings I can remember to practice the meditations but I am lucky to have people to remind me. Have you ever tried mindful meditation?
I use an app called One Moment Meditation.... it's just one minute of focusing on breathing but I have found it really helpful. Here is a link to a you tube video from the maker of the app if you are interested

Thinking of you @Harrow
Jane x

 

[So so tired]

I just need to share a little bit. Hope that's okay.

It has been a very hard week and I've been dealing with suicidal thoughts.
And even though it is what I really want to do more then anything.
Having a way to feel better is more important. And I had to reach out to protect myself.

So I told my mom I was suicidal.

Worst mistake ever.

She asked to talk to me. Then spent about five minutes telling me how it affects her, not once about how I'm doing. Then when I excused myself.
She just started screaming that I'm always going to be like this and now she supposes she has to check on me every five minutes

She then made very sure that I knew there was alcohol and it seemed to me that she gave me the maximum amount of privacy, because she hoped I would do it.

I came so close only thing that stopped me was thinking about her winning.

Since then all she has continued to do is scream, shout, name call and everything else she can.

It feels like she's trying to push me to do it.

And since then,

It is like I have not being able to take a breathe I feel so alone and trapped.
And the pain inside is excruciating.

I am so close to stepping over that line.
And I'm petrified of hurting people.

On the odd occasion when depression is mentioned in this house, she will tell me she is depressed because she is bored. So she understands and then when I'm instantly not better her fury builds white hot.

I'm not depressed because I'm bored. I'm in physical pain in the pit of my stomach. There are no colors any more. I want to destroy myself so badly because the pain is so intense.

But mostly since she reacted like she did, I can't take breath any more I can't explain it, but it's like I am holding my breath to keep the pain and the fear in because if I breath out I won't get it back in and then I will take that step, the one I should not take.

Harrow
I am so sorry to hear that you have had a bad week
I am so glad you do reach out when feeling so bad which shows such strength and courage.
Your mums response is more than disappointing and I think is due to a lack of understanding.
It's very selfish of her to make the situation about herself when you were clearly in need of support and should not be treated like a burden.
To state that she is depressed through boredom clearly demonstrates this point.
You show such care and consideration to those here and you will never be alone as you have your sf family.
I admire your empathy in thinking about how ending your life would hurt others because I know how the rational mind and judgement is compromised when we are rock bottom so this is to your credit.
I would refrain from speaking with her about the topic for the time being as her toxic attitude will do more harm than good.
Do you journal?, this could be a form of self expression for those times that you do not want to talk or you feel like the trapped pain and fear will drive you over the edge.
Please don't take that step you shouldn't or allow your mind to think it's about your mum winning. The main thing here is you and how you can get through this difficult time,
You will always be loved and supported here

So so tired