Been almost a year and I'm not okay

[Mortis]

On May 3rd., 2017, my husband of 20 years, who had been fighting stage 4 lung cancer, was congratulated by his cancer doctors for being cancer free, they all shook his hand and told us he'd have many more years to look forward to. On May 4th, 2017, while we were on our way to a celebration dinner, he slumped forward in his seat while I was driving us to the dinner. I pulled over, somehow I will never understand, I managed to pick him up out of our truck, lay him by the side of the road, and start CPR. Rescue and ambulance arrived quickly, and transported him to the nearest trauma hospital, where they tried to save him. Unfortunately, 3 hours later, myself and our son held him while he died because they could do no more to help him. He died of a massive heart attack, the day after he was told he would live many more years. It's been unbelievably hard on myself, our son and daughter, and all five grandkids. I'm 61 years old, and all I've been able to feel since he died in my arms was a desperate need to go with him. I've stayed this long out of a desire not to cause any more pain to our kids and grandkids, but it's been almost a year now and I still want to go with him. Our two kids are grown and have families of their own, and they don't really need me. I live by myself except for two dogs. I've been miserable beyond words this last year without him, the kids don't really seem to understand that. My son says he imagines he'd find his own way without me, my daughter just repeats that "I'm sorry you're having issues" anytime I try to tell her what's going on. I'm having a harder and harder time trying to find a reason to stay here without him. I've been heartbroken and in tears every last damn day since he died. I've been to two different counselors, one psychiatrist who gave me a small paper bag full of condoms and told me to go out and find a man I liked, (never went back there again) and one who gave me breathing exercises that don't seem to do anything. I'm having such a hard time finding any reason to stay here on this planet.... I've been diagnosed with CPTSD by an MD, but nothing has been offered to help me deal with this. The thread I'm trying to hold onto is getting thinner and thinner... The pain and anxiety is getting worse and worse, and I don't know what to do or how much longer I can stay here...

 

[may71]

Sorry to hear that you are going through this Mortis

He died of a massive heart attack, the day after he was told he would live many more years

That must have been a horrible shock, I'm sorry. It's terrible to think that he put all that work into fighting cancer only to die this way.

My son says he imagines he'd find his own way without me, my daughter just repeats that "I'm sorry you're having issues" anytime I try to tell her what's going on.

Do you think it's a matter of not getting through to them, or that they just don't want to deal with it?

I've been to two different counselors

I could understand why you wouldn't want to have anything to do with the psychiatrists you saw for reasons obvious, but what happened with the counselors?

 

[Walker]

What a horrible story this is. That must've been awful for you guys. I see you posted this but haven't been back. If you return then let us know so we can chat. Message me... or any of us. I'm sorry your thread didn't pick up well. Try us again, this place is quite understanding. I hope you can find some peace.

 

[sheila512]

Dear Mortis, I lost my husband of 40 plus years almost 18 months ago. He had Parkinson's Disease for more than 25 years. Knowing he was ill did not help. Watching hin deteoriate did not prepare me. When the nursing home said 'hospice' I was shocked. Sine his death, I have struggled with emptyness and anxiety. ALl of our retirement plans, all that we had been working for was gone. I lost the most inportant person in my life,,,the one that defined me. I don't kwno who I am anymore. I still work part time and I have a small rescue dog that I am responsible for who, I believe, has kept me focused. I feel like I will be mourning forever. I talk about him all the time, refer to him in conversations and keep his picture on my computer screen. I talk to him every night and tell him about my day.
Sounds nuts, right? It helps me. It keeps him alive in my mind. If I kill myelf, who will keep his memory alive? It would be like having him die again . I hope you find the strength to take care of yourself. Try and find something you enjoy doing and go for it. If your children are not a help, so be it. You can do this on your own. I am trying as my kdis are no help either. My friends try but it does not penetrate. Best of luck to you
sheila512

 

[Petal]

Hi there, sorry for the late response, only saw this thread now. I think it might be a good idea to try and get into group therapy if you can. I can't even imagine how hard it for you and your precious kids and hope that some way, some how, that things will look less bleak soon. Remember...he would want you to be happy and I'd suggest trying a different counselor. It can take a few tries to find the right one for you to suit you and your specific needs. So don't give up hope and we are all here to help you through this.

Best wishes.

 

[Winslow]

@Mortis. I can feel your pain. Because several of my loved ones have died over the years.
Their physical forms have died but their spirits still remain alive.... in my heart. When I go to sleep at night, they sometimes appear in my dreams. Then I can hug them again.

 

[TSS]

I am sorry you are in so much pain. I can relate.I would do anything for one more year with my soul mate.