I wish i could go back to the days where being depressed was fun. I had something to hope for and others to blame. I think now it doesn’t feel exciting or comforting. It’s just constant dread. Part of me feels like the life has been sucked out of me and i’m too lazy to change it so it’ll keep getting worse. Loneliness is eating me alive so it’s the first time i’ve actually wanted to call a helpline in half a year (when i first wanted to get help). I was looking through this pinterest mood board i made a bit over a year ago. It was meant to keep me hopeful and it did for that entire year. Now it’s over and i can see i’m not getting anywhere near those photos so i archived it. I don’t see myself experiencing any of those feelings any time soon. There isn’t much point in hoping if you’re not trying anything new because then you know nothing will change. I’m too tired to try to change anything. It feels mean to my past self. She took all her energy to make it to this year and now i’m not even bothering to try. There’s no energy left or any reason to think it could work out. It’s like i went through a tunnel and instead of light at the end there’s just more tunnel and i don’t think i’ll make it out this time. This weekends been particularly bad. I don’t know what’s wrong with me now.