I've been to counseling and have been told this is not about me, but I feel like it is. I mean my wife risked so much to try and murder me. She made love to me while planning my murder. My mind knows she is sick and twisted, but my heart has been ripped apart. Sometimes I wish she had succeeded. My life was a joke. I thought I was special to someone, but it was all a lie. All she wanted was the money I was making. Now I can't even do that. I feel like such a fool. I hate betrayal and I hate every minute of life. I still have hope for the future, but the distant future. For now, I have to hang on and fight. But I wonder if I can ever trust again. I want to go home and be with God so bad, but I'm sure He wants me here for my kids and so do I. But there is so little left of me that I am useless to them. I can't even keep a job. I did not even pray about marrying her so I deserve all of this, but my kids don't.