Black and white thinking/BPD rage/suicidal feelings.

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by TooShyToScream, Feb 4, 2011.

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  1. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    I get pissed off at anything and everything that makes me feel like I'm being abandoned, neglected, or disrespected. And even if my feelings are too intense for a particular situation, and they usually are (by the majority's opinion)...they still provoke the BPD rage to come out before I can convince myself that perhaps its not as big a deal as it seems. So if my fiance wants to go somewhere without me, he's abandoning me. If he wants to play with the dog, he's neglecting me. And if he doesn't realize or understand how these things make me feel, he's disrespecting me. And any one of those actions, in my mind, means he doesn't care about me, which means he hates me, which means I should feel pissed off and miserable. Such is an example of black and white thinking turned to BPD rage, and then possibly depression/suicidal feelings when that person doesn't respond to your little outburst very kindly. Just wondering if anyone else goes through similar things.
     
  2. cheesewhiz

    cheesewhiz Member

    I am assuming you mean Bordeline Personality Disorder and not Bipolar Disorder? Anyhow...I do know what you mean a bit, at least I used to a lot more. I used to have some pretty bigtime abandonment issues, and although I'm not sure if I ever actually had BPD, a lot of what I did mimicked it. I have changed from that a lot (so not sure if I DID have it, though I was convinced it totally explained me at one point). Not sure exactly why I changed and those types of things don't bother me any more. I do think there is hope. But is takes a lot of cognitive re-training...and a willingness to see how you are hurting the other person. Not everything is about you...most of the time it isn't at all. But automatically reacting like that is no fun. :hug:

    I do think a lot of it stems from improperly bonding with your original caregivers, and therapy is totally something that should not be undervalued.

    Rambling...but just wanted to say I DO relate, and remembering those days is sucky...I would never want to feel that way again...now when I start to I can totally see how irrational it is, and I (usually, but not always) choose a different route. I do believe there is hope that you will not always feel and react this way, but you need to try to figure out where it is coming from originally...rage is like and addiction, but you can be in recovery from a rage addiction, just like any other. It doesn't always have to be this way and you are NOT a bad person. :hugtackles:
     
  3. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    Yeah. Even things like a BF playing a game or reading a book instead of paying attention to me can make me feel like complete shit.
     
  4. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    Well, I'm glad you're happier with yourself and how you act now. But, those of us who have BPD, don't particularly feel that our feelings are irrational. I, personally, feel that my behaviors sometimes are...as in, I can express my feelings a bit better, but I don't think that my feelings themselves are wrong. I can react better, and compromise better, but I can't change how I feel about certain things and wouldn't want to. My fiance does a pretty good job of compromising with me if I put forth the effort to as well and respects the things that I can't deal with. Just sometimes, I instantly flip out and don't consider his feelings, and that's the part that I want to change...just to be able to react better to things but not change who I am, because I don't think there's anything wrong with me. I'm just different. And last time I checked, that's why he loves me in the first place. I doubt that what you had was BPD, since it all of a sudden went away, and you now feel it was irrational. A BP's personality doesn't change. They merely learn how to deal with it better...if they're lucky. I know that in a relationship its not all about me, but I feel things more intensely than most people, therefore I need more affection and attention than the average person...and my needs need to be met too. And it's not my fault if I require more, it doesn't mean that I try to make everything all about me. That's just how I am...and I make sure to inform people before they get with me that that's how I am. From there on out, I don't feel as though its my fault if they got into something that they didn't expect or can't handle. But that doesn't make me wrong in how I think.
     
  5. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    Yeah tell me about it. I just feel like if we're together in the same place, we should be doing something together. I feel neglected if he's doing something else and I'm left to stare at the ceiling or something. Luckily, mine almost never does that kind of stuff to me though. Well, I'm glad I'm not alone at least. :)
     
  6. cheesewhiz

    cheesewhiz Member

    I didn't at all mean to imply there is something wrong with your feelings. Not at all. I have pretty strong feelings about things too, still do, I guess I expressed it wrong, and meant to say that I used to do some pretty horrible things because of my feelings, and it ended up hurting or ruining relationships. When I said, "I don't feel that way anymore" I guess I was trying to say that I don't feel like I have to act the same way on it. My mistake.

    I think to have feelings and to care is to be alive and I would never say that there is something wrong with you because you have them, or that the actual feelings are irrational. Sorry if I came across that way. In rereading my response I can totally see how you got that because I said the feelings were irrational, when I did mean my actions as a result of them. I was equating feeling with feeling like you have to act in a certain way automatically, not the original feeling. I hope that makes sense.
     
  7. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    Okay, I understand :) sorry to analyze it so much in the first place. But I analyze everything...you can see where my problems lie now I bet lol. A lot of the time I need things said a specific way or I end up taking it differently than intended. I hope I didn't offend or upset you in any way with my response.
     
  8. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    I want to cry form reading this.

    Everything youve said i have done.
    And this just frustrates me more, cause the psych teams are just sitting on tehir hands
    I just want help.
    I want some way to manage this. Im fed up oif teh racing thoughts, the paranoia the conclusions.
    All of it.
    I just want help.
     
  9. cheesewhiz

    cheesewhiz Member

    No, you totally didn't, lol. I totally overanalyze everything also...except my first post apparently ;) No worries, I understand! :smile:
     
  10. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    I completely understand your frustration. I feel like I've taken an active role in trying to get help, more so than most people even, and nevertheless I still feel like these doctors aren't trying hard enough and don't give a crap. I've done a lot of my own research on my disorders, especially BPD, read numerous books, seen many websites, etc (hell, I'm on here right now even for no reason other than trying to help myself). And yet, I'm not properly medicated by my psychiatrist...I keep getting shit that doesn't work, and my therapist knows my diagnosis yet she doesn't take an active role in helping me get better. I just feel like I go in there and talk about how my day's been so far, release frustrations, etc. But she doesn't have me working toward any specific goals or anything like that. And it all just pisses me off so badly. What are you diagnosed with (or think you have)? And, if you've seen doctors, what are they like?
     
  11. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    Myself and my GP feel i have, at the very least, bipolar.
    I have seen psychiatrists for over 2years now, they treated me for general depression, which ok at the time i was just "down" and suicidal. But based on my history there had been highs and lows.
    They just filled me with meds. everytime i said it wasnt working they upped the meds.
    So i pulled myself out of it, focusing on my art and the possibility of become a tattooist again.
    And then the highs started. with the anger for no reason, shouting swearing getting angry and frustrated for nothing.
    Then a low hit, i had an attempt. 3days later i was up bouncing off the walls liek i was on some drugs.
    All the psychs did was telll me to go back on olanzipine which did not agree with me. made me shake, made me put on weight, made me have memory lapses.
    Now im unmedicated as i refuse to take the med. i am talking to teh community nurse so she can figure out whats up with my moods o_O
    And im sat here in frustration about the lack of help i ahve, the fact that the one person who has been with me through this, i ahve walked away from 4 times now, and each time he welcomes me back regardless of what i ahve done, he doesnt deserve that. And then i accuse him of neglecting me, not wanting me, hating me, not being intrested. about cheating about looking for someone else.
    And im just fed up.
    Im hurt about it, i dont want it anymore, i want to think normally. I want to be normal. i dont want problems going out
    I dont want to be an overactive messa round people, bouncing around and talking 90miles an hour.
    I just want to be level.
     
  12. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    Oh my god, the same exact thing happened with me too. The one person who's supported my BPD, my fiance, I've left like 3 times because something he did would upset me and I felt unloved and like I had to leave before he left me (I had it in my mind that he'd stop caring and leave, so I had to do it first). And every time its happened, he's welcomed me back and wanted to fix things. And I still become afraid he'll leave me or stop caring, and accuse him of wanting other women, etc. And truthfully I feel retarded for doing this stuff :( but I can't help it. When I'm in the moment of feeling what I feel, I don't feel like I can control myself. All I know is, without him, I'm dead because no one else would/could ever support me like he does and I just wouldn't want to live anymore. I try to be better...I try to work on not freaking out and accusing him all the time of shit, not starting arguments, etc. But it's hard. I think what we both need is to be properly medicated to control our moods. Cause right now, I self-medicate with stuff that I shouldn't be taking just because it helps me get through the day. Maybe you need to be re-evaluated because it sounds like there could be other things wrong besides bipolar. And a good therapist would help too; you only mentioned a psychiatrist and a GP.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 4, 2011
  13. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    Yep, I'm exactly the same... RE: no one else being romotely close to helping like he can. And i do love him, just the thoughts wont go away, and i know theyre are irrational, but at the time they make total sense.

    All i have is my GP and my psychiatrist team. I dont have a therapist. We dont rreally have those here. And ive only been offered one for my sexual abuse history, and in all honesty i really dont want to talk abotu that to anyone. I can say it happened but thats it.
    And again, my partner is the only one who knows details from what happened. And i have no idea how i even told him those things...
    I'm just so fed up and frustrated and agitated. I just want someone in a possituion of power to go, 'ok i hear you, this is what we are going to do:' but none of that happens.
     
  14. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    I know...I want the same thing...:/
    I wonder, based on what you said about someone in a position of power telling you what to do, are you like this in your relationship at all? Meaning, would you like it if your partner said "this is what we're/you're going to do" or "you need to do this, this, and this"? If you find it somewhat difficult to make your own decisions and find solutions to things without other people's advice, you could have some symptoms of Dependent Personality Disorder. I have some features of various personality disorders (but mostly BPD and avoidant) and I know that I like my fiance to tell me what to do a lot of the time which is part of DPD. Anyway, it sucks that you don't really have therapists there. Medication is no miracle cure to mental illness. I would recommend that you really take an active role in figuring out what your issues are and researching what you can do about them. I know you just want a doctor to help you, but if they're not, then you need to help yourself as much as possible. Joining this site was a good way to do that, and there are various books you can find to help you, etc. I don't really have any help from doctors right now, and that's what I try to do.
     
  15. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    Yes, i go to my partner for answers for waht to do. With everything. What to ahve for dinner, if i can buy something, shower, anything.

    But the reason for wanting the doctors help is cause i have gone many, MANY years without any help, and now that i have a "team" i expect them to help and figure it all out, i tell them how it is, and they look at me as if i have said everything in a different language, and none of it makes any sense.

    I dont like to self diagnose. i dont want to pile a lot of different lables on top of me without a professional giving me it.
    And if i self diagnose and go to the psychs, they dont listen.
     
  16. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    Theres my results :\

    second test.. results on the right are the average online result :\
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 5, 2011
  17. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    A lot of people see no point to self diagnose, but I think it helps. At least for me. The first diagnosis I got from a psychiatrist was social anxiety and depression, then dependent personality disorder, social anxiety, and depression...and now, NOS mood disorder, social anxiety, and BPD/Avoidant mixed personality disorder. I didn't try to self-diagnose with those first 2 and they gave me a half assed diagnosis. Then I was like whatever, fuck these doctors...why can't they just give me an accurate diagnosis from the beginning? And I started looking stuff up myself. I looked up DPD because I was wondering why I got diagnosed with that and realized I only had half of those symptoms...according to the DSM, not enough to be diagnosed with it. Then I looked up BPD and realized I had almost every single symptom for that. That's when I started bringing it up to my psychiatrist. He of course ignored me thinking he was all high and mighty with his diploma and I didn't know shit..but I know myself. I know how I act, and I'm not afraid to admit it. Some people with personality disorders are in denial, but I'm not one of them. I knew I had BPD ever since, but wasn't diagnosed with it until a year later when I got another psychiatrist. Moral of the story is, psychiatrists are just people like you and me. All they do is learn the DSM and diagnose based on what it says...a lot of them diagnose out the ass though and don't make sure you have all the symptoms even before diagnosing. That's why I rely more on myself. If I know what I have, I can bring it up at my appointment and help them diagnose me because his ass will probably be too lazy to make too much of an effort to do it all on his own. But that's just how I feel about it based on my experiences.
     
  18. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    :S idk
    Im just fed up with it all...
    I need to get my life in order and i dont kn ow where to start
    i have no home address
    awjodfihiseyfsgfvisgiuerhji
    BLAH.
     
  19. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    Start with figuring out what you have if the doctors can't or won't.

    Then, start figuring out ways you can help yourself.
    There are legal, obtainable drugs out there that can help your moods.
    I don't know if these are legal or not in your country, but in the US, Kratom, DXM, Nitrous Oxide, and Salvia for instance are all legal.
    Erowid.com gives you all the information you need to know about every drug out there.
    And there are books which offer coping skills and strategies to handle yourself better.
     
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