Blue eyes...

[Survivorist]

So, here a story - it makes me so sad, that I cannot even cry. After the divorce from my wife, we agreed to pay 50/50 the final education of my son to become a pilot (he already finished University). The costs were estimated at 46.000, final costs 52.000. So I paid half of it (3.000 to go, 23.000 paid). Now he found a job with a new Turkish Airline and needs to make his type rating (for each aircraft you need a special permit). These type ratings cost normally between 12 and 15.000 USD = 13.000 EUR? However, he told me he had taken a credit for 26.000 EUR. Then my bells started to ring - because its exactly the half of the whole costs for his ATPL.

Then I checked today the conditions for pilots for his new Airline (I mean, where he will work) - and found out, that the type rating is paid by them and then deducted over a certain period from his salary. Which is kind of normal. He said as well he will sign the contract - so its not yet done. How can you take such a credit without being 100% sure?

So, it became clear to me, that the deal between my ex-wife and my son was, once the ATPL finalized and he got a job - he will repay the costs to her. But not to me. I was never informed, never saw any invoice, any credit, any payment - no paper at all. All was based on trust - as I thought I can trust them. Apparently not. This is so devastating, I am missing my words. Of course it has an influence in my relation to my son. I have no problem - he does not have to pay me. But I hate being lied to. Nice story, ha? How would you feel? Now I have to make an insurance and eventually fight. One thing clear - I will not pay 3.000 without having seen all the documents. Not to talk about the fact that I raised her daughter as well - like my own child - I never made any difference.

I just hope that I am wrong - but all the details convince me of the opposite. Sad world. I do not even know if to cry or to shout.... Danger of falling back imminent. I hope the world is different tomorrow. I hope I can sleep. What is it with these people? Feel like this:

 

[Astrid78]

Hugs @Survivorist wish I knew what could help, I'm sorry this is happening
It's so hard to parent. Harder still is co parenting with someone not on the same page. I do hope in time the relationship with your son will be back to what it was.
More hugs.

 

[may71]

I'm sorry this happened.

It would be nice if you could at least know the whole story behind this.

 

[Survivorist]

Well. I think partially its my own fault. Because I am made like this. Even when young (in my bad years), my GF was involved in drug trafficking the same way as me. She even paid for it. Once caught - I took all the guilt on me. With the result that I was in jail for 1,5 years, she - on the other side - was released after 3 months. And of course - it was over between us. But I am not mad at her - and never was. It was the right thing to do for her.

Here I trusted, although I should have asked for paperwork or I should have taken simply half the credit myself and paid myself - end of story. I trusted too much again. The relation to my son - well in order to feed the family and to give them a good life I was always working abroad. So, when you come home twice a year for vacation - what relation can you have to kids? All ended when they were around 15/16. I may receive a call three or four times a year - but only from my son. The daughter I raised as my own - not any contact since she was 18... But o.k. this is the reality of life.

Well, most of the people in this world are just egoistic, mean, talk behind your back, never forgive, lie, are materialistic... simply bad. I am happy not to be like this. For my son - lets see - I want to talk face to face with him and told him to pass by. My small village lies directly on the way home to his mother (maybe 50 KM extra). For the moment I decided that I will not make any further noise about it - but I will not pay the remaining 3.000. Lets see what this will give - it will tell me all. I am sometimes tired of it all. But I guess, this is what life is about. At least I have a good conscience - and this nobody can take from me. Anyway, now I am at 60 days of fasting. All is in my hand - even if one day I have or had enough of it all.

 

[may71]

Does your son know how much you're struggling financially?

 

[Survivorist]

Not really - he knows I have not a lot. But last time I saw him I gave him 100 for diesel. I always do this. I mean I am not really struggling or poor - I have enough to live. But not more. It will change next month, when my savings will be free - it was fix for a year and my account is then finally 100% in Spain. I struggle a little, because I pay for my "new" family - that is a burden and it will stop only in summer - when both kids study, they have a certain amount of money per month - and can work if they need more. Its a minimum. My wife and I will have a good life. We are minimalist and once or twice a year I can make my crazy tours.... like in the past. I am dreaming of Cambodia, Nepal, India, Turkey, "Spanish Sahara" - all for paragliding (on foot, bike...). Simple, cheap... Thats the deal - after all these years I helped them - 4 weeks of freedom per year.

 

[may71]

Do you feel like if you had the choice, you'd rather know the whole truth and possibly break your relationship with your son, or not know the whole truth and continue with your relationship trying to ignore that you know he's been up to something?

 

[Survivorist]

I think it has already gone a long way - I do not even have his address in Madrid, nor his email address. Only phone number. This alone is telling me a lot. I know that he will move to Germany soon - he might need some help from my side (I am DE), but that's about it. My feelings for him are those of a father. But he is independent now and lives his life. What I will not forget is if he lies to me - and this is not peanuts. But it's rather a thing between my ex-wife and me - she cheated money wise. So for the moment I try not to think about that - because I might fall back to bad habits - and it's not worth it. The donkey has done his job - and can be sold. This is the truth.

 

[may71]

So for the moment I try not to think about that - because I might fall back to bad habits - and it's not worth it.

I think you may be right about that. It can be hard to balance self-defense between from an external problem vs. one that is internal/psychological, though often times the internal issue is the one that most needs attention.

 

[Windhover]

Sorry @Survivorist this is a tough call but brings to mind what is most basic, is self-preservation. Once there have been lies, then the game changes doesn't it. Even if they're lies by omission, it amounts to prevarication. Being able to re-group, focus on your well-being, while you still have the energy, that's our basic right.

 

[Marga]

Sorry about this, Survivorist, if this is true it seems awful behaviour from the part of your ex-wife and son. I can see you are very giving and helpful and people tend to take advantage of it. I undersrand because I am also a bit like that and some things along these lines happened to me too. All I would say make sure they don't take advantage of you anymore. And maybe you can confront your son about it like you say, if you decide you want to. Good luck. Hugs