Born in the wrong place at the wrong time

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Shatter, Dec 8, 2012.

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  1. Shatter

    Shatter New Member

    I'll "briefly" summarize my life: i've got a schizoid personality and, at the age of 13, compensatory narcissism arised. I've got a normal family, i never had any relevant problems, i got an above average intelligence and i was always very capable, and so i didn't have any problem with study. My mother wasn't able to achieve what she wanted in life and so she stressed me to study hard and always had something to lament if i didn't have the max results (even a 9/10 was going to be criticized, tsk). Since i was always able to achieve those results, we never had a good fight.

    Anyways: I never cried or felt sad for the loss of a relative or "friend" (i experienced the death of my granpa at 6, granma at 14, classmate at 17, uncle at 21); i just didn't care and i wouldn't care even if everyone died right now. I just never got affectionate to anyone or anything, despite being treated fairly good. When at school i used to observe my peers and learn what i was supposed to enjoy and what not, i experimented new activities and hobbies, i hanged out with them but i never really enjoyed myself. I found them boring, stupid and senseless, and those activities... how were they supposed to entertain me, really? I started meeting them less and less and just keep a social mask out of convenience. A way of surviving in this society. I never had a relationship with a girl, even tho i remember a good girl from school, with who it would have probably worked out with no problems, considering how outgoing she was with me (i'll return on this point later). During my years of school i was getting picked up on by some guys because of how uncaring i was and since i didn't show any reaction, if not a "Just can't you leave me be?" or "Can you annoy someone else?". Moreover, i was always available when someone needed some help, since it's not like it caused me much trouble, and this led to abuse. I started accumulating frustration and when i became utterly irritated, compensatory narcissism kicked in and i had an ego bump. I started analyzing myself more, i became aware of my abilities and started planning my vengeance, in order to re-establish the lost balance.

    During this period i became colder, more selfish, i started rejecting people and stopped offering my help, considering how people were so greedy and couldn't meet my needs. Under my point of view, this was the most positive change.

    At university, the outstanding results just boasted my ego even more, i started experimenting manipulation on people and my success just fattened my ego more and more. The more my ego grew, the harder it got for me: humiliation was always behind the corner, i had to be careful in order not to taint my perfect figure with a failure and so i became paranoid and very untrusting. There was a place, however, where i could be "myself" without fearing an humiliation or an ego scar, and that was in my fantasy.

    I'm not the daydreaming type, tho, and my fantasy can only be carried out with the help of books, movies, animes, series or any story in any format: i started reading and watching stories (mostly thriller/supernatural/psychological/romance): i could experience interesting lives, weird encounters, weird events, strange powers and mind games; i was so absorbed in my readings that i was even able to grow some sort of affection towards the female heroine and FEEL bad if something happened to her, or good when the happy ending came. I totally detached from reality and immersed myself in this world.

    However, this made me think that i was actually able to feel affection or love and that i just needed the optimal conditions. I wondered what the hell i was doing with my life and the only thing i saw was an old man, living alone and entertaining his unrealistic fantasies in books or movies, basically living in another reality. I reconsidered the people i met in life and planned to build a new life with them. I was once again entertaining my fantasies: being a narcissist, i felt like the protagonist of this world and therefore i had to live an amazing and eventful and very interesting life with the perfect romance; i tried to remember that girl i knew at school and fantasize a relationship with her.

    However, my life is boring, nothing happens, the world doesn't revolve around me and i'm one of the many. I was trying to force myself to "love" that girl, but then wondered "Do i really like her? Is she special or am i just idolizing her because i want to see her as special, since it's easier this way?". I started reading about love and it looks like you can't choose who you fall in love with, so i suppose i have a warped idea of love.

    I looked back once again at how i felt about those fictional girls in my stories and then realized the mistake: the relationship was successful because it was meant to be that way. The main heroine was attracted to the protagonist in the first place and i, as the protagonist, "loved" her back. It was... safe.

    I thought i had severe trust issues, but it wasn't just that: indeed, another particular that i had skipped was that all those heroines were attractive and cute. I realized that i wasn't inherently interested in them, their interests, likes, dislikes, dreams etc, but in the physical contact with them. I started understanding why i hated any romance that didn't even have a kiss and why i enjoyed nearly erotic/erotic material. It was lust.

    I was masking my lust with a cute and very amazing romance, in order to make it more beautiful, entertaining and meaningful.

    Love seemed such an interesting part of life but it doesn't belong to my character. I'm selfish, i always cared for myself but also helped if someone asked. Now i've become totally selfish, cold, distant, detached, untrusting, cruel and narcissistic. In order for a relationship with me to work, my partner should be totally crazy for me, very loyal and should depend on me... exactly the controllable girl that a narcissist looks for. However, i feel that i would "treasure" her and never betray her, dedicating myself to her and satisfying her. I still have some leftover good values and i consider myself a very just person, deep within... or am i just masking my lust again with beautiful words? I no longer know. However, such relationship is very unlikely to ever be born, considering how paranoid i am (what goes on my mind is something like "What if this relationship doesn't work? I'm the protagonist, i'm supposed to live the perfect romance, it's not admissible that it won't work").

    After having realized this truth, i abandoned the idea of a romance and started thinking my interests and preferences, in order to plan how i should have lived my life, even if alone... how sad my interests are impossible (or VERY UNLIKELY) to fulfill: i would find it interesting and entertaining to meet some alien or demon, discover some weird power, experience weird encounters and weird events, craft some weapons or other tools, live an adventure or fight on some battlefield with a huge sword (i'm quite bulky and own a sword), cutting here and there. Reality is, however, that my life is totally boring, nothing weird or interesting happens and i'm most likely going to become a professor and die of boredom.

    Of what reality offers I don't like anything; i'm not inherently interested in anything, i don't need anything and i'm not dependent on any structure; i've learnt how to survive and could go live in a jungle right now, abandoning every comfort and starting eating plants, no problem. There isn't something i couldn't live without... the only thing that gives me some little motivation to live is music. Taking into account my above average sex drive, i suppose i couldn't go on living without my penis too.

    The only important things in my life are music and sex; nothing else interests me. Lately i felt like even those two things weren't worth living for... it has become so boring; i no longer enjoy reading a story like i did back then, since i no longer feel anything (after having realized that "truth") and i can't go around with a sword, since there is no battlefield whatsoever.

    I feel trapped: i would have liked to be a warrior in the middle ages or live in the victorian era and experience all the new discoveries, the steam engine, the new industries, eventually travelling to America and make my fortune there... and instead i'm rotting here, fattening myself, studying in order to get a job i don't even care about and just to live a meaningless, uninteresting and joyless life.

    The only thing that keeps me alive is that small hope that something interesting might happen: i hope everyday that some weird thing happens to me, like getting teleported somewhere, meeting some weird individual that would drag me in some crazy adventure, a war breaking out, everyone going out on survival mode and finally the perfect time to use my homemade tools...

    What should i dedicate myself if i can't love anyone and if my interests and ideal life belong to another time, place and perhaps even world? What am i supposed to do if nothing else interests me? The only thing that belongs to this world that i'm interested in is "Time Travel", and it's still fantasy so far.

    I've got very lazy lately, nothing seems worth it anymore, i'm bored, tired, exhausted, i don't like anything, i don't want anything (related to this world, at least) and i forgot the last time i honestly laughed (The old things are unable to even trigger a smile).

    There are people planning suicide because they are suffering the loss of someone, because they lost some limb, job, fortune, family, health, friends, whatever and there are also people who are planning suicide because sick tired of a boring life. Sorry if it sounds disrespectful, it wasn't meant.
     
  2. Oceans

    Oceans Well-Known Member

    Regarding your desire to live in the middle ages or victorian era, it sounds like it is with hindsight that you can appreciate what was happening during those times. When we look upon history, it can some times feel like an interesting period to live in than our current one. I do wonder though, if the people in this era would agree and wished that it was the future where they're be free from those happenings. Some times in the present, it can be difficult to see the purpose or the interest in what we do. Just food for thought.

    I hope you find your way....
     
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