Borrowed time?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lost_child, May 19, 2008.

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  1. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    Maybe I am mad, mental, crazy...who knows.

    I have to have a breast biospy to determine what the lump in my breast is...all I keep thinking is cancer, cancer, cancer, going to die but the way g*d wants me to..he ruined my life, it was mapped out before I was even born, abuse, rape, suicide attempts..ppl saying u survived the worse, but you don't ever feel that did you survive, that you have survived, survived is living, but I just exist.

    Whilst suicide has always been an option, my option that no1 else can control only me, having cancer and dying because of cancer is not my choice. For some people out there, they say not to worry, wait and see, it could be nothing and as much as I tell myself the same I can't stop worrying, I can't stop thinking that someone else is in control of how my life ends, I can't stop thinking its cancer. Pathetci right, but that's how I feel. I don't want the control taken away. I've seen how important I am to friends and family, not one of them has contacted me asking how it went, not one person. I'm not sure when I will TAKE my own life, I'm not sure if I want to wait to be told what the lump is.

    I just don't want someone else, something else controlling my life. I'm too tierd of it all anyway.

    I can't take another "challenge", another day "thinking"...I don't want to.
  2. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni

    I pray that it isn't cancer :sad:
    I know that feeling of losing control. It's one of the main reasons I want to take my own life. Because I'll know.
    Anyway, I hope that it's not what you think it is.
  3. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    Its ok, i've had enough of the time on this earth. I know no longer want anymore.

    Inside I hold a secret,
    so deep and untold
    I was told to keep it quiet
    even when I get old

    The secret is deep inside
    lives in my mind and my soul
    the secret I've tried so hard to hide
    leaves me so empty, never feeling whole.

    The secret comes out in my dreams
    and days when I'm feeling all alone
    a voice in my mind always screams
    let it out, its you life that you own.

    When I try to tell my secret
    everything seems to go wrong
    outside I cause a riot
    pretending to be so strong.

    My mind is so confused
    what is the secret I hold?
    why does my mind and body feel used
    should this secret I hold still remain untold.

    Cracks have already started to appear
    Depression, loneliness, self hate
    never ever do I even shed a tear
    even when I manage to get myself in a state.

    I promised I would never tell
    a secret, should never be told
    a promise that has me living in hell
    but still remains untold.

    I've had chances to share and speak
    but the guilt, the embrassment, the shame
    I end up feeling so weak
    after all I WAS party to he's game.

    I won't ever be able to tell
    the same will continue happen
    Silently I continue living in hell
    but 2nite I take my secret to my coffin.
  4. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    my family nor friends have even asked how I am, or how it went..no1 has contacted me to ask, just another sign that I wouldn't be missed, that there isn't a single person in my life that cares so why should I care about them. I won't feel guilty for taking my own life, I won't feel guilty even they shed a tear when they find out i've died. I hate life. I don't care anymore. I don't care.
  5. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i know what it's like to be forgotten by family and friends. it is a terrible feeling. ultimately you have to rely on yourself, and on us, and - perhaps down the road - some new, kinder friends. until then, let us help?
  6. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    How many years have to pass before you find one friend that cares about you, like you care for them? You wait, you hope, then one day all hope just goes you realise that you won't have that one person, that one friend, that one family member. your on ur own, but hearing ur own voice, having thoughts trapped in your mind, going insane daily with no or little human communication it becomes tiering, it becomes more and more lonely. too many years have passed with dreams dying out, with hopes fading away. samartians have been good, they have listened, but they don't care not really, they doing they job, the same with my counsellor I pay her, she doesn't care, I'm just another person somewhere in the world. there's nothing left for me. there's nothing. I've thought about it, I've thought about it loads, i've waited for a call, a text, an email..nothing. there's nothing. just my thoughts, the voices in my head.. sorry.
  7. aeommai

    aeommai Active Member

    you've told them about the lump then?
    it might just be stress:S

    the body has funny ways of telling people it's sad.

    so good luck!!
    and post here so we can give you good wishes and such and such=)
  8. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    I can totally relate. You have every right to take control of your life. I'm working up to that level, and it's a very rough thing for me to do. I'm constantly under pressure, being pushed around by institutions. I'm gonna get a gun, believe me, I am.
  9. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member


    silence. no1 around.tried sams.nothing.
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