Maybe I am mad, mental, crazy...who knows. I have to have a breast biospy to determine what the lump in my breast is...all I keep thinking is cancer, cancer, cancer, going to die but the way g*d wants me to..he ruined my life, it was mapped out before I was even born, abuse, rape, suicide attempts..ppl saying u survived the worse, but you don't ever feel that did you survive, that you have survived, survived is living, but I just exist. Whilst suicide has always been an option, my option that no1 else can control only me, having cancer and dying because of cancer is not my choice. For some people out there, they say not to worry, wait and see, it could be nothing and as much as I tell myself the same I can't stop worrying, I can't stop thinking that someone else is in control of how my life ends, I can't stop thinking its cancer. Pathetci right, but that's how I feel. I don't want the control taken away. I've seen how important I am to friends and family, not one of them has contacted me asking how it went, not one person. I'm not sure when I will TAKE my own life, I'm not sure if I want to wait to be told what the lump is. I just don't want someone else, something else controlling my life. I'm too tierd of it all anyway. I can't take another "challenge", another day "thinking"...I don't want to.