BPD - HELP ME?! Will things EVER get better?

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by feathers, Dec 23, 2010.

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  1. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    With BPD I change person completely. I do things that are completely stupid. I just sent the most malicious and hurtful email that I could muster to my ex from 2 years ago, because I remembered how he hurt me and rejected me. However now that I've come back to be myself I feel it was the stupidest decision ever. I turn into such a bitch and it is so so hard to control myself. I can't even try to control myself because the way I feel, the impulsive decision feels like the right decision and it is what I want to do. So I can't say to myself, look don't do this, because I WANT to! It's infuriating that I always regret stuff when I come down from it again, and I can be a bitch and I can damage relationships irreparably. But I can't fight against what I don't want because I don't know that I don't want it at the time. Argh!

    Therapy seems miles away at the minute as well because the fucking NHS are just passing me around without me really getting any progress or EVEN A DIAGNOSIS! It's getting infuriating because I know fine well what's wrong with me and the psych knew fine well what was wrong with me but wouldn't diagnose me for fear of a NEGATIVE LABEL! WHAT IS MORE IMPORTANT TO ME, THAN A NEGATIVE LABEL, IS GETTING TREATMENT! How the fuck am I meant to get treatment if the people I'm being passed around to don't even know what's wrong with me? I can't be sent for borderline therapy if I'm not officially borderline!

    and will the therapy even do anything? Has anyone here gone from this extreme of changing personality and opinions completely and doing completely stupid things that they regret to having an actual normal life and being able to fucking control themselves? Because right now it seems impossible and I can't see any way whatsoever for a psychiatrist to help me on this.

    Kaz x
     
  2. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    My first relationship was with a girl with pretty bad BPD. We fought all the time for the first 6 months, but didn't break up because we liked eachother. Then we had a huge fight and my first bout with major depression occured, and I was suicidal, and told her when we finally started talking again. Following this, she was terrified of setting me off and always moderated her actions as a result - and we didn't fight for a very, very long time (6+ months). We nearly fought on several occasions when she was pissed off at me, but she'd force herself to calm down and be nice to me and the anger passed. This is to say that she managed to shut down the most destructive aspect of BPD without any therapy, once she had sufficient motivation.

    Therapy for BPD is based around Buddhist meditation in order to give the patient the tools to calm down. I think what you should do is look into methods of calming down, perhaps meditation itself, and when you feel angry try to reason your way through it and block out emotion (or simply distract yourself). Calming your breathing is the first step to anything you do, and when you feel excited, breathe in through your nose, and out, slowly, through your mouth, and the feeling will likely pass quickly.
     
  3. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    It makes a lot of sense but the problem is getting myself to actually want to calm down :/ Which is impossible because at the time, I want to do these things, I want to yell, I want to bitch, I want to hurt people.
     
  4. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    That's why therapy takes a while. You have to try to do it even when you don't want to. You have to remember the regret you experience following the anger.
     
  5. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    I do remember it but I just don't care :/. I know this is going to be very difficult that's why I'm stressing over it so bad now
     
  6. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Maybe you can think of it more along the lines of postponing your anger while you try to calm down.

    (Grasping at straws here, trying to give good advice)
     
  7. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    haha it's okay you don't have to give me advice, i've pretty much tried everything, I'm pretty much just waiting for the therapy now :/
     
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