this was many years ago... i was around nine, actually. one of the teachers at my primary was not a kind lady! she liked my big sister, thought she was really smart and stuff, but for some reason she really hated me. I will call her Alison. Because divulging her wretched surname is unfortunately probably against a lot of rules. to this day i do not know if Alison was punished; once when she was drunk my mam confided that she had confronted her and kicked her in the ankle hard enough to send her out of school for a bit but she was drunk sO how reliable this is i'll never know for the few months i spent there (ended up pulling out/basically not going before halloween for a good few months) it was hell. i was shouted at, bullied, the teacher ENCOURAGED other children to bully me and (naturally) ignored it when I started crying/trying to tell on the other kids. it does not help that i was already bullied and hated by the other kids, but the teacher simply made it worse. she did not just constantly abuse me like this, but it turned physical. there's these little lapsafe things we had, i don't even know what we'd been doing that day but i remember the incident too clearly. so i am walking past, and alison decides that pushing me very harshly into the back of someone else's seat is a good idea. i badly bruise a rib. to this day i remember two people at the table - jordan and natalie - but none of them really cared. it was normal for me to be abused and it was like none of them really cared because it was normal. i think it ws the back of jordan's chair i got bruised off, actually. my mam witnessed this through one of the windows. but it was i that would refuse to go back the next day. i broke down and started crying in hysterics before we could get through the gate i just couldnt go back when she could do this again recently however i have been having these small things that i think could have been related or flashbacks. i don't feel clean. and i don't just mean in the 'ive not washed in however many days' clean because i clean a lot, but in the kind of way that makes me feel i've been tainted and i can't be fixed. i dont have any visual memory of whatever this is, it feels like it was dark and i was unfamiliar, but i feel panicky, trapped, and like i cant escape or do anything without knowing WHY. there is a playground aide - or rather was - and i think he was a sort of teacher, but i never had him. i was his 'special' girl and i would lead a lot of the activities he wanted me to. i was always over there at lunch time. thinking about it is starting to scare me and i'm getting the feeling again. but he was so nice? but i still have these feelings, and they're hallucinations i guess, but its like someone's got their hands on my shoulder or my leg/thigh and moving it. i'm autistic anyway but i cannot stand being touched at all by pretty much anyone! even when the teachers in my old high school have done it ive felt really uncomfortable and like i hate it. hate it hate it hate it. hugs are ok with consent but thats pretty much it. could something have happened to me back then or am i just going crazy?