Came to the site to chat/get support and am ignored

[alice202]

Hi Steve
I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. I am single, estranged from family, and live with my dog. I spend my birthday and holidays alone. A few years ago when I had a colonoscopy I had a taxi pick me up and drive me to my car (against the rules). Another time I asked another single woman who I met at the dog park to drive me, but she had to take time off from work to do it. I promised I would do the same for her. I don't think the medical establishment understands how difficult they make things for people who have no family.

I have found some help for despair through online sites that offer hypnosis for self-esteem and depression. Its not that you are alone or I am alone - its more that we are so isolated from each other.

I think the only thing that heals us is connection to other people. We all have to find our own ways of making connections. It could be as simple as taking a class. I hope that you find some connections that make you feel like life is worth living.

Your life is precious.

All the best,

Alice.

 

[Lady Wolfshead]

It's such a shame that people end up in these predicaments. Ever since I was a child I've thought it was stupid that our society didn't have a better way to look out for elderly people since we will ALL become elderly one day. It's just a no-brainer.

My mother has to go in for hernia surgery and she actually cancelled the surgery because my brother would be unable to drive her (he has cancer and is recuperating from surgery himself. I don't have a vehicle and live in an outlying city). She refuses to take a taxi or public transport. So... I went online and found a medical transport service for seniors, staffed by volunteers, which seems to exist in every city here for a nominal fee. But she refuses to use the service as she likes to impose on family for everything. So now I will be renting a vehicle and driving her - not for her sake but to take that burden off my brother.

I had a friend over a while ago and my mother called and I spoke to her briefly. After the call my friend said "Wow, you are so nice to her." She knows my mother was abusive. And I was mystified, like, "Well, why would I be mean to her? What good would that do?" I mean if I was going to treat her badly why would I bother being in touch with her at all? It just seems like a reciprocal thing to me - you are kind to others because we all want a kind world. Why would I be cruel to my mother because she was cruel to me? What would that accomplish?

But clearly I see things differently from others because I know of many people who had decent parents but later cut them out of their lives over minor disagreements. It seems to be the norm in this world to act selfish. So here we are.

I will be purchasing a vehicle soon and have decided to volunteer part-time with one of those services and drive isolated seniors to appointments. Because especially since becoming a Stoic I think you have to do the right thing regardless of how others behave. It's not about being a doormat - it's about being a decent human being and wanting to create a decent world. And at least I know the other Stoics get it.

 

[alice202]

I had a friend over a while ago and my mother called and I spoke to her briefly. After the call my friend said "Wow, you are so nice to her." She knows my mother was abusive. And I was mystified, like, "Well, why would I be mean to her? What good would that do?" I mean if I was going to treat her badly why would I bother being in touch with her at all? It just seems like a reciprocal thing to me - you are kind to others because we all want a kind world. Why would I be cruel to my mother because she was cruel to me? What would that accomplish?

But clearly I see things differently from others because I know of many people who had decent parents but later cut them out of their lives over minor disagreements. It seems to be the norm in this world to act selfish. So here we are.

Lady Wolfshead I think you have a great attitude. After being estranged from my mother for several years, I decided to forgive her and make peace with her. We never worked through my issues - I just let it all go. And I chose to be friends with her. I was her friend for the last 10 years of her life, and it was sweet. I was relating to her not as my mother, but as a person. And it was very freeing, for both of us. I realized later that there was so much I didn't really know about how she came to be who she was. All I ever thought about was how little she knew about me and how she wasn't there for me - but nobody was there for her either.

And she expected that it would be family who would be the ones to keep her company and do the caregiving towards the end of her life. This doesn't work out very well for most people because life is too complicated. But that is the expectation that her generation had.

I know of one family where there is a 104 year old relative. She lives at home and the extended family all take turns caring for her. Even the children have a turn. I think this is ideal. Nobody is overburdened, and the elderly person (who is still very aware of what is going on around her) is never alone. She is a lucky lady.

Alice

 

[Lady Wolfshead]

Lady Wolfshead I think you have a great attitude. After being estranged from my mother for several years, I decided to forgive her and make peace with her. We never worked through my issues - I just let it all go. And I chose to be friends with her. I was her friend for the last 10 years of her life, and it was sweet. I was relating to her not as my mother, but as a person. And it was very freeing, for both of us. I realized later that there was so much I didn't really know about how she came to be who she was. All I ever thought about was how little she knew about me and how she wasn't there for me - but nobody was there for her either.

And she expected that it would be family who would be the ones to keep her company and do the caregiving towards the end of her life. This doesn't work out very well for most people because life is too complicated. But that is the expectation that her generation had.

I know of one family where there is a 104 year old relative. She lives at home and the extended family all take turns caring for her. Even the children have a turn. I think this is ideal. Nobody is overburdened, and the elderly person (who is still very aware of what is going on around her) is never alone. She is a lucky lady.

Alice

Thanks and I'm glad you had peace with your mother too. You only get 1 mother! And as much as I still get angry at times thinking of how she treated us, I know it was a reflection of how she felt about herself. And she was badly bullied at work during some of the years when she was abusive to my brother and I. Ironically the bullies who were so cruel to her were a priest and nun who ran the school she worked at . They didn't want a divorced woman working there, but couldn't fire her because my Dad was the one who left us. However they hounded her mercilessly trying to make her quit. She has mellowed a lot in her old age now that she no longer has to deal with that.