I saw a guy walking around in a shop a few months ago wearing a vivid royal blue velvet suit complete with waistcoat and tails. He stood out a mile and I have to say his suit was bloody epic. I like such shows of stark and playful individuality, but I don't always feel up to it.
Sometimes I want to strut my stuff, make a show of myself and play around, other times I just feel tired, or had a bad day, and other times I feel really low. Being autistic, I am always putting up a mask, and when I am feeling particularly tired or low I cant put as much effort into that mask so if I stand out I feel uncomfortably "seen", so on a low day I want to just fade into the background. The issue is that you can never predict at the beginning of a day how you will feel at the end, so rather than wearing something so plainly in-your-face, I wear what is essentially camouflage. I wear innocuous and rather unobtrusive jeans, casual shirt and rough jacket. My style is designed to fade into the background. Not bad, but not good either, just sort of there. That way I get to choose whether to act boisterous and fun, or to fade into the background depending on how I feel.
I still cant help but have a couple subtle nods to my boisterous nature, sometimes a silly hat, sometimes on a particularly confident day a loud and obnoxious shirt, but always at least a pair of intentionally mismatched dayglow crazy socks. The socks are my minimum, except on a day where I start it on my lowest. On those days I cant face wearing them. For those days I put on plain black socks. If I am wearing them I am either going somewhere SUPER formal, or I am feeling hopeless and empty inside.
This has been incomplete in an open window for days, and the day I started writing it was a black socks day. I sat on the sofa with silly socks in hand and just couldn't put them on. I don't think anyone notices when I don't wear them, but I notice it is the ultimate acknowledgement that I am not ok. If you see me in an informal setting with black socks on. Its practically a cry for help, either emotionally or for laundry... one or the other.
I wish I could wear the silly orange paisley shirts in my cupboard, or the flat cap I still think suits me, or a vivid royal blue velvet suit, but I need the camouflage, and from how much I have been instinctively toning down the personality in my wardrobe lately, I can tell I am worn thin.
Sometimes I want to strut my stuff, make a show of myself and play around, other times I just feel tired, or had a bad day, and other times I feel really low. Being autistic, I am always putting up a mask, and when I am feeling particularly tired or low I cant put as much effort into that mask so if I stand out I feel uncomfortably "seen", so on a low day I want to just fade into the background. The issue is that you can never predict at the beginning of a day how you will feel at the end, so rather than wearing something so plainly in-your-face, I wear what is essentially camouflage. I wear innocuous and rather unobtrusive jeans, casual shirt and rough jacket. My style is designed to fade into the background. Not bad, but not good either, just sort of there. That way I get to choose whether to act boisterous and fun, or to fade into the background depending on how I feel.
I still cant help but have a couple subtle nods to my boisterous nature, sometimes a silly hat, sometimes on a particularly confident day a loud and obnoxious shirt, but always at least a pair of intentionally mismatched dayglow crazy socks. The socks are my minimum, except on a day where I start it on my lowest. On those days I cant face wearing them. For those days I put on plain black socks. If I am wearing them I am either going somewhere SUPER formal, or I am feeling hopeless and empty inside.
This has been incomplete in an open window for days, and the day I started writing it was a black socks day. I sat on the sofa with silly socks in hand and just couldn't put them on. I don't think anyone notices when I don't wear them, but I notice it is the ultimate acknowledgement that I am not ok. If you see me in an informal setting with black socks on. Its practically a cry for help, either emotionally or for laundry... one or the other.
I wish I could wear the silly orange paisley shirts in my cupboard, or the flat cap I still think suits me, or a vivid royal blue velvet suit, but I need the camouflage, and from how much I have been instinctively toning down the personality in my wardrobe lately, I can tell I am worn thin.
