I can't stop worrying. I'm doubted or I think I'm doubted, under close surveillance, have no chance to speak them out. Can't speak my problems aloud. Defense are in vain. I'm wrong because I live in a world which all the adults irl believe that is right for me, for all the students to give up hobbies and friendship and everything except staying in school for more than 11 hours a day and that's no problem because that's what I must do and if I refuse to do, I'm bad.
And I can't prove I'm not a bad student. I can't really get along with others and can't control my temper and can't concentrate although I was the top student, but that's the past.
I have to get more than 90% of the marks in that important examination so I can escape. So I can go to the university I want to go. But it's hard for me.
I posted about it but nothing changes when they don't change, and the education system in my c. o..u.. n.t.r.y.. are no wrong, I'm wrong. I'm too ashamed too guilty. I need to be punished. But not to be punished because those unexisted doubt...they makes me worried so much.
I think I'm a pessimist but there's no wrong of being a temporary optimist. I need to change it, when others don't change. I can't change the education system so I must get used to it. I will spend all my time on studying because that what my life supposed to be.
I once said, if I couldn't enter that high school (my present high school), I would end my life. And if I can't reach my goals, I will do that.
I can't leave here. I feel like I'm falling apart. Everything is falling apart and even a cold can't be cured and gets more painful. I need to end it all.
And I need to appreciate my life, my stress, my everything because that what I'm supposed to do.
I will do my best for my future, no matter what. I will do my best to fight. I will not end my life before having a try to get closer for my dream. I live for why I live, why I stay. Those sufferings are just a test. I won't bow under them. I will try my best, resist all the temptation, all for my future for my dream, for setting the mental health and suicide prevention nonprofit organization and for helping myself. I always imagine to change the world's awareness about this topic, suicidal thoughts are not something to be shamed for, I believed it although I hardly convince myself... all of them, all of these wonderful future, I will try my everything on it. I don't believe I'm not as good as my classmates. I don't believe and I don't surrender. I will tell myself to keep on, come to SF for help when I feel bad.
I shouldn't attempt suicide for more, shouldn't cut for more, shouldn't be in bad mental condition for more, because entering that university need to be good physically and mentally and academically. I'm stressed, I have two choice. Suicide, or live and fight. I choose the second one.
writing something will make me find my way, when I was desperate about one situation...
I don't know if I'm right or wrong, or should I ever post it. I'm afraid of no reply and I hesitated for long.
I'm still needing some help...I will stay although tbh I considered to leave just a few minutes ago when I began to write this post.
I will try my best. Wait for me.
And I can't prove I'm not a bad student. I can't really get along with others and can't control my temper and can't concentrate although I was the top student, but that's the past.
I have to get more than 90% of the marks in that important examination so I can escape. So I can go to the university I want to go. But it's hard for me.
I posted about it but nothing changes when they don't change, and the education system in my c. o..u.. n.t.r.y.. are no wrong, I'm wrong. I'm too ashamed too guilty. I need to be punished. But not to be punished because those unexisted doubt...they makes me worried so much.
I think I'm a pessimist but there's no wrong of being a temporary optimist. I need to change it, when others don't change. I can't change the education system so I must get used to it. I will spend all my time on studying because that what my life supposed to be.
I once said, if I couldn't enter that high school (my present high school), I would end my life. And if I can't reach my goals, I will do that.
I can't leave here. I feel like I'm falling apart. Everything is falling apart and even a cold can't be cured and gets more painful. I need to end it all.
And I need to appreciate my life, my stress, my everything because that what I'm supposed to do.
I will do my best for my future, no matter what. I will do my best to fight. I will not end my life before having a try to get closer for my dream. I live for why I live, why I stay. Those sufferings are just a test. I won't bow under them. I will try my best, resist all the temptation, all for my future for my dream, for setting the mental health and suicide prevention nonprofit organization and for helping myself. I always imagine to change the world's awareness about this topic, suicidal thoughts are not something to be shamed for, I believed it although I hardly convince myself... all of them, all of these wonderful future, I will try my everything on it. I don't believe I'm not as good as my classmates. I don't believe and I don't surrender. I will tell myself to keep on, come to SF for help when I feel bad.
I shouldn't attempt suicide for more, shouldn't cut for more, shouldn't be in bad mental condition for more, because entering that university need to be good physically and mentally and academically. I'm stressed, I have two choice. Suicide, or live and fight. I choose the second one.
writing something will make me find my way, when I was desperate about one situation...
I don't know if I'm right or wrong, or should I ever post it. I'm afraid of no reply and I hesitated for long.
I'm still needing some help...I will stay although tbh I considered to leave just a few minutes ago when I began to write this post.
I will try my best. Wait for me.
