Empathy and Advice Welcomed Can't or don't want to sleep? No idea

[アオト]

I've had problems sleeping for like a year now. It's either no sleep at all or oversleeping.
I don't want to go to sleep and live the tomorrow. I was determined to die today but lost the courage some hours ago. Now it's the time when I would have done it, but haven't.
It's like the very time it's telling me I did something wrong. That I missed my chance to do something right.
I didn't even pay attention during class, just for planning and getting info on the whole thing.
Now, I'm left in a state that I just don't know what it is or how to explain.
I feel bad, terribly bad; it's awful, but at the same time I'm acting like I usually do in front of people, smiling and stuff. Putting that fake persona first.
I don't know why. It feels wrong.
jfgdjsfg everything feels wrong! Why am I so calm?!
blaaaaaaahhhh.

 

[アオト]

It feels weird to walk into my bedroom again. I left everything clean and in place. I didn't planned on walking in again.
It's like walking into someone else's room.

 

[アオト]

Still haven't been able to sleep and my eyes hurt. Aaaah
I want to sleep, I'm tired, but I can't.
I wish I could do like in the cartoons. Just hit my head with an comically large pan *Bonk* and fall asleep.
In the meantime, I'm hugging my Pocoyo plushie and carefully listening to my dog sleeping right next to my (lucky bastard, He's so cute!).

 

[may71]

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Have you ever seen a doctor or psychiatrist about this? The no sleep/oversleeping thing, and that fact that you mentioned being super energetic on another thread suggest to me that you might have a mood disorder like bipolar.

I'm not qualified to say if you do or not, but being both highly energetic and feeling suicidal sounds a lot like bipolar.