Can't stand the loneliness anymore

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by RumoursOfMyDemise, Jun 1, 2013.

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  1. RumoursOfMyDemise

    RumoursOfMyDemise Well-Known Member

    I have both severe social anxiety and recurrent depression. Because of my social anxiety, I haven't had any friends (other than online friends) in years, and even when I did have friends, they weren't particularly genuine ones. To them, I was just someone to talk to or kill time with until someone better came along. They insulted me like almost everyone else in the school did, and some of them were quite controlling. I often feel like I have never had a real friend irl. This, along with being bullied relentlessly throughout high school has made it very, very hard for me to trust people. I am incapable of making friends with people or even having a simple conversation because I have the social skills of a toddler. I've been alone my entire life and I cannot take it anymore. Every summer holiday, every weekend, every day...I spent all of them alone. I don't know what it's like to actually have a connection with someone. I'll be 20 next year and I've never been in a relationship. I've never even held hands with a guy. I'm even more clueless about that sort of thing than I am with friendships. I doubt anyone would ever want to be in a relationship with me or want to be my friend. I probably just bore everyone. I'm constantly reminded (by my sister, by 'professionals', by other people, by myself) what a freak I am. I've never fit in anywhere in my life. I feel that I never will.

    I have made some small progress with my social anxiety lately, but only with 'situational' things such as going into a supermarket without having a panic attack straight away. But so fucking what!? I'm still miserable, I'm still alone, I still have no friends, I still have no partner, I still have no job, I still regularly think about suicide and self harm, I still have no life. I cry myself to sleep for hours almost every night, wishing that I had friends to hang out with the next day or that I just someone to curl up beside. Just wish I had someone who understood what it's like. But it seems that I will never have any of that. The suicidal thoughts are back as well. They're not quite so strong at the moment that I would actually act on them but I really can't see myself being still being here in 5 or so years' time unless my quality of life greatly improves. I've managed to go over a year without self harming now, but I still have quite intense urges to do so at times. Not even just on my forearms anymore - I just feel like scarring everywhere to show how ruined and fucked up I am. No one will ever want me anyway so what's the point?

    It seems like everyone else my age is having the time of their life right now. Everyone at uni seems to be living the good life - partying with friends/ going on holiday with them, etc. My sister is going off with a group of about 12 of her friends to Ibiza in a couple of weeks. She's usually out partying with friends almost every weekend and goes into town with her friends at least once during the week. She's always bragging to me about her friends and how much fun they have together, her love life (when she has a boyfriend), her sex life/ romantic experience, how she's got much better grades than I did when I was in high school, how little effort she has to put into getting good grades, how she has my parents wrapped around her little finger, how great her life in general is, etc. And she's always mocking me because I have no friends, because I have social anxiety, because I've never had a boyfriend, because I never went to prom (due to my SA), because I'm a "freak", "loser", "weirdo" and so on. It kills me to know how much I have missed out on. All throughout my life, I've watched other people be happy with their friends and have a great time together. It's always just been a slap in the face to me because I can't do any of it myself - can't make friends, can't have a laugh with them, can't go to parties, etc. Even my 2 online friends (one of which I met on here) seem so much happier now. While I'm very happy for them, it's simultaneously like even more of a slap in the face. These are people who have some of the same difficulties as myself (though neither of them have SA and never seem to fully comprehend just how horrendous it is to live with it every single day), yet they seem to have made so much progress from when I first 'met' them. This is the pattern I seem to have with online friends - they get better and actually start to have a life, and then they just stop talking to me and leave me behind because they actually have real friends to talk to and hang out with now. How long before both of my current online friends do the same and I am completely alone in the world again? I know that that's all I am to people - just some boring freak to talk to until someone half decent comes alone, and then my existence is completely ignored. I'm not even getting on very well with my own family at the moment, for a myriad of reasons that I won't go into right now.

    I don't even know where I'm going with this post. The worst thing is that I know exactly why I'm becoming depressed and suicidal again (loneliness, social isolation), but it seems that there is nothing I can do about that. I've joined a social anxiety support group but I can't really even talk to people there. I'm convinced that no one there likes me or will ever like me. I've been doing my best to fight the depression - I'm exercising every single day, trying to keep myself busy with things, trying to eat healthily and trying to take my mind off things, but nothing works for any longer than a couple of hours. I feel like crying most of the time - and I actually end up crying about 3 or 4 times a day. And I frequently feel so drained and lethargic and physically ill at the moment that trying to exercise is often exhausting. Nothing addresses the underlying problem.

    I know that I really need to be happy with myself before I can make friends or even think about having a relationship, but I really can't at the moment. I don't even know how. I know that I shouldn't rely on other people for my happiness, but how many people do you know that have no friends at all and are happy? I'm just lost. I thought I'd made progress on trying to like myself more but I just can't right now. I don't even feel deserving of love. It's the one thing I yearn for and yet will likely never experience. I feel completely trapped. I don't know where my head is at right now. I really don't know why I bother to stick around throughout all the misery and desperately try to fight this curse of a condition. It's seems I'm going nowhere no matter how hard I try. I don't want to live like this anymore.

    I'm too tired to even type any more so I'll just stop here.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi i hear you hun. Your family your sister so toxic towards you hun I wonder if you were to find a place of your own when you are ready if you would be less sad Sometimes just sitting in a coffee shop having a coffee being around people helps to decrease the loneliness at least for me it does
    You are 20 a lot can change and fast too hun i did not find a friend till i was in my late 20s thought i would always be alone but fate had it i did meet someone. You will to hun
    Keep working at your social skills get on some medication get therapy and it helps and don't compare yourself to anyone ok try to say hi to a least one person a day ok just hi
    Hope you continue to post here to keep reaching out hugs to you
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Are you taking medication for your SA? Many people find that helpful...also, please do not belittle your progress as it sounds others belittle you...going to the market is a wonderful start...maybe one day, talk to someone...and as you progress you will feel less isolated...and you are NOT a have difficulties and they are very painful...please continue to post and see if others have suggestions
  4. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    I know how this feels all too much...all the friends I had in person left me...they weren't all that great anyway. All I have is online friends, and most of them don't talk to me all that much. Sorry that people in your life aren't more supportive, I have to deal with that too and it's an awful feeling. It sucks to not be able to know how to socialize, but to want to have more people in your life. I don't know how to socialize with people because I've isolated myself for too long. Everyone is way ahead of where I should be at my age. People always seem to leave me when their lives get better, I hate that feeling of abandonment. I guess I wrote all this to show you that you aren't alone in your thoughts, and things can get better. I may not know all the answers but I'm trying to change things in my life, trying to get out more, and I know that you can do that too. It can be overwhelming, so just try it a little at a time. Don't be so hard on yourself, and try to have more faith in your abilities.
  5. RumoursOfMyDemise

    RumoursOfMyDemise Well-Known Member

    Most of them aren't toxic - at least not most of the time - it's just my sister mostly, when she does things like that. Thankfully I'll get a short break from that when she goes to Ibiza. I've been thinking about getting my own place a lot lately but it isn't really possible. I don't even have a job yet because of my social anxiety - getting one will be extremely difficult. I don't even know if I would be less sad - I'd probably be a lot less annoyed/ stressed but...probably just even more lonely that I already am (if that's even possible).

    I don't know...going along to the support group does help me feel a bit less lonely for a bit. I'm 19 and while I know I'm still young, that doesn't really make any difference to me. People on these kind of forums have been telling me since I was 14 that I'm still very young and things can change but nothing has. I won't have the excuse of youth to hide behind forever. How did you find a friend? I honestly don't think I ever will. I can't fathom anyone wanting to be my friend. And I can't make conversation at all...I have zero social skills.

    I want to but my psychologist says that he doesn't think I'm ready to do that yet - he wants me to stick with 'situational' things such as going to the supermarket for now. It's extremely frustrating and it just gets me down even more...I'm making progress but I want to work on social skills the most because they're probably what's holding me back the most. Medication hasn't helped me in the past - I've been on both fluoxetine and sertraline. All I got was a ridiculous amount of side effects. I dunno if I even trust medications. I know that they can work wonders for some people but meh...not exactly keen to go on meds again. I haven't ruled meds out altogether but I'd rather give it a couple of years before going on them again. I honestly don't think I could even say hi to SA is REALLY bad. :(

    Thank you. I am making some progress but it's really hard not to compare myself to others. It just seems that everyone else is moving on and I'm just stuck in the same old place that I've always been. I don't know if or when I'll ever be at the stage to actually talk to people.

    I'm exactly the same. I've been isolated from other people (because of my anxiety and not fitting in) pretty much my entire life, so I've had very few opportunities to build my social skills. I feel miles and miles behind everyone else.

    I have also been trying to get out more/ take my mind off things...sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't. I try not to be so hard on myself but it's really difficult sometimes. :/

    Thanks for the comments' support everyone.
  6. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    i do hear you.... really!

    i even manage to end up losing online friends- have them for a while, then something happens in my personality that makes them reject me or what ever.

    it's annoying...
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