I have both severe social anxiety and recurrent depression. Because of my social anxiety, I haven't had any friends (other than online friends) in years, and even when I did have friends, they weren't particularly genuine ones. To them, I was just someone to talk to or kill time with until someone better came along. They insulted me like almost everyone else in the school did, and some of them were quite controlling. I often feel like I have never had a real friend irl. This, along with being bullied relentlessly throughout high school has made it very, very hard for me to trust people. I am incapable of making friends with people or even having a simple conversation because I have the social skills of a toddler. I've been alone my entire life and I cannot take it anymore. Every summer holiday, every weekend, every day...I spent all of them alone. I don't know what it's like to actually have a connection with someone. I'll be 20 next year and I've never been in a relationship. I've never even held hands with a guy. I'm even more clueless about that sort of thing than I am with friendships. I doubt anyone would ever want to be in a relationship with me or want to be my friend. I probably just bore everyone. I'm constantly reminded (by my sister, by 'professionals', by other people, by myself) what a freak I am. I've never fit in anywhere in my life. I feel that I never will. I have made some small progress with my social anxiety lately, but only with 'situational' things such as going into a supermarket without having a panic attack straight away. But so fucking what!? I'm still miserable, I'm still alone, I still have no friends, I still have no partner, I still have no job, I still regularly think about suicide and self harm, I still have no life. I cry myself to sleep for hours almost every night, wishing that I had friends to hang out with the next day or that I just someone to curl up beside. Just wish I had someone who understood what it's like. But it seems that I will never have any of that. The suicidal thoughts are back as well. They're not quite so strong at the moment that I would actually act on them but I really can't see myself being still being here in 5 or so years' time unless my quality of life greatly improves. I've managed to go over a year without self harming now, but I still have quite intense urges to do so at times. Not even just on my forearms anymore - I just feel like scarring everywhere to show how ruined and fucked up I am. No one will ever want me anyway so what's the point? It seems like everyone else my age is having the time of their life right now. Everyone at uni seems to be living the good life - partying with friends/ going on holiday with them, etc. My sister is going off with a group of about 12 of her friends to Ibiza in a couple of weeks. She's usually out partying with friends almost every weekend and goes into town with her friends at least once during the week. She's always bragging to me about her friends and how much fun they have together, her love life (when she has a boyfriend), her sex life/ romantic experience, how she's got much better grades than I did when I was in high school, how little effort she has to put into getting good grades, how she has my parents wrapped around her little finger, how great her life in general is, etc. And she's always mocking me because I have no friends, because I have social anxiety, because I've never had a boyfriend, because I never went to prom (due to my SA), because I'm a "freak", "loser", "weirdo" and so on. It kills me to know how much I have missed out on. All throughout my life, I've watched other people be happy with their friends and have a great time together. It's always just been a slap in the face to me because I can't do any of it myself - can't make friends, can't have a laugh with them, can't go to parties, etc. Even my 2 online friends (one of which I met on here) seem so much happier now. While I'm very happy for them, it's simultaneously like even more of a slap in the face. These are people who have some of the same difficulties as myself (though neither of them have SA and never seem to fully comprehend just how horrendous it is to live with it every single day), yet they seem to have made so much progress from when I first 'met' them. This is the pattern I seem to have with online friends - they get better and actually start to have a life, and then they just stop talking to me and leave me behind because they actually have real friends to talk to and hang out with now. How long before both of my current online friends do the same and I am completely alone in the world again? I know that that's all I am to people - just some boring freak to talk to until someone half decent comes alone, and then my existence is completely ignored. I'm not even getting on very well with my own family at the moment, for a myriad of reasons that I won't go into right now. I don't even know where I'm going with this post. The worst thing is that I know exactly why I'm becoming depressed and suicidal again (loneliness, social isolation), but it seems that there is nothing I can do about that. I've joined a social anxiety support group but I can't really even talk to people there. I'm convinced that no one there likes me or will ever like me. I've been doing my best to fight the depression - I'm exercising every single day, trying to keep myself busy with things, trying to eat healthily and trying to take my mind off things, but nothing works for any longer than a couple of hours. I feel like crying most of the time - and I actually end up crying about 3 or 4 times a day. And I frequently feel so drained and lethargic and physically ill at the moment that trying to exercise is often exhausting. Nothing addresses the underlying problem. I know that I really need to be happy with myself before I can make friends or even think about having a relationship, but I really can't at the moment. I don't even know how. I know that I shouldn't rely on other people for my happiness, but how many people do you know that have no friends at all and are happy? I'm just lost. I thought I'd made progress on trying to like myself more but I just can't right now. I don't even feel deserving of love. It's the one thing I yearn for and yet will likely never experience. I feel completely trapped. I don't know where my head is at right now. I really don't know why I bother to stick around throughout all the misery and desperately try to fight this curse of a condition. It's seems I'm going nowhere no matter how hard I try. I don't want to live like this anymore. I'm too tired to even type any more so I'll just stop here.