Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by among the stars, Dec 22, 2015.

  1. among the stars

    among the stars Well-Known Member

    Today I was given a color pencil drawing of Cash, its very beautiful. I'll admit when I opened it I cried. I miss him greatly and more with each passing day. Some days I cry, some I just look at his pictures and wish. I know I was lucky enough to have him for 2 yrs and train him for 4 but somehow it seems so short. I look at all my pictures of us together and once again the tears begin to flow. Those months that he was so sick, I never expected it to end the way it did. I will admit I knew the end was coming. when he tried to hard to walk into his stall but being unable to and then finally on his 6th try making it but nearly falling down in the process... I told him I would be right back.. went into the tack room and slid down to the floor and cried probably the hardest I ever had in my life. Then 2 days later he collapsed and couldn't get back up no matter how hard he tried. He was not willing to try for the barn owners but once I came he began to try. Trying to the point of injuring his eye, face and front legs in the effort and yet he still tried. His only thought was to get up for me. I couldn't let him hurt himself though or to live in pain. Deciding to put him down was the hardest thing ive ever had to do. I cried and cried, I wanted so much to hold him and tell him how sorry I was but he continued thrashing around in his now frantic attempts to get up. Even the vet had to jump out of the way of his hooves. He fought through 2 tranquilizers like he had never had them. I was instructed to stay by his head and stay clear of his legs and neck. I told him I was so sorry and that I loved him.. even though I knew it was the right decision I felt and still feel that I let him down. There are so many things I would have done better, I could have pushed harder for better answers and a quicker appointment for his ultrasound. True this still might not have saved him but the feeling of letting ur soul mate (yes I said soul mate because that what I felt Cash was to me) down and letting them continue to suffer is wrong. I was a bad parent to him in the end.

    Nearly one month later we believe we now have a diagnosis... EPM which is a parasite from wild animals, specifically opossums and skunks, which gets into the horse through ingestion and spreading throughout their nervous system and brain causing many of the symptoms that Cash experienced including unsteady gait, neurological symptoms, change in appetite and normal routine (not willing to walk). The only thing it doesn't explain is his swollen bubbles in the neck that could be a number of things including lyme disease (tho he had been checked and had been negative) and cancer. These bubbles made him unable to graze or eat normally, roll, lay down or even stand properly.

    In the end I know what I did was right but still that little voice inside of me says u didn't do enough. It shouldn't have ended this way he was too young. He was too young....
    2 people like this.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry for you loss you are a good loving owner that stayed with cash and comforted him you did not let him suffer hugs to you
    2 people like this.
  3. CandleLight

    CandleLight Well-Known Member

    among the stars, I cried reading about Cash. My horse Carly will be 26 in June. I fear losing her some day too soon. She's lost some weight but I'm doing my best. It is clear you deeply loved Cash. How are you doing now? I will PM you.