Hey, friends. I've stalled out in my recovery from suicidal depression. Or at least I'm not progressing as fast as I'd liked. In years past, I'd been on escitalopram without adverse side effects, but I found that it left me emotionally indifferent rather than give me the capacity to resolve my issues. I was capable of participating in the capitalist churn, but it was nothing more than detached survival. Since then, I've come out of multiple closets -- transfemme, non-binary (still exploring this), pansexual (always been out as this but people assume shit like you're cishet if you match that model in their minds), demisexual, polyamorous. I've also done a ton of trauma work and have accepted that I am a victim of multiple childhood traumas which I am finally addressing head-on. (I won't enumerate them here; I'm trying not to be defined by my trauma, but I am open about it and will mention it if it's relavent and I do so later down in this post.)
So I'm looking at new treatment modalities. Here are my thoughts, but I'd like to know people's thoughts on, well, on my thoughts. Does this seem like this plan will be reasonable effective? Is there anything to be concerned about?
I want to start cognitive behavioral therapy. Here's my thinking around that: despite no longer seeming to actively hate myself or think I deserve suffering, I do find my thought patterns seem to interfere with my ability to self care, namely "there's no point" regarding fundamental self-care, regarding making major life changes, and regarding accepting the willingness and capacity of people who clearly care about me to show up for me in meaningful ways. Basically, I feel like it's too late and too challenging to change my life for the better. Rationally and analytically, I know this is bullshit, but being emotional is endemic to the species. I think so much of my life has been guided growing up a little girl who learned certain fear-based behaviors and patterns in order to literally survive. I hope that CBT can help me change some of those thought patterns that.
I also am thinking of going back on escitalopram, aka lexapro. I think this time will be different because I've accepted so much about myself. Last time I took escitalopram, it did somewhat relieve the burden of my depression but also prevented me from caring enough about myself to try to resolve them. I'm hoping now that I am hiding less from myself, and the relief from depression that escitalopram provides will give me the head space and spoons to actually do something about my challenges rather than continue to hide from them.
Lastly, I want to try clinical ketamine. I've heard it can be really freeing and is effective at reducing the severity and frequency of depressive episodes.
What do you all think, I guess?
So I'm looking at new treatment modalities. Here are my thoughts, but I'd like to know people's thoughts on, well, on my thoughts. Does this seem like this plan will be reasonable effective? Is there anything to be concerned about?
I want to start cognitive behavioral therapy. Here's my thinking around that: despite no longer seeming to actively hate myself or think I deserve suffering, I do find my thought patterns seem to interfere with my ability to self care, namely "there's no point" regarding fundamental self-care, regarding making major life changes, and regarding accepting the willingness and capacity of people who clearly care about me to show up for me in meaningful ways. Basically, I feel like it's too late and too challenging to change my life for the better. Rationally and analytically, I know this is bullshit, but being emotional is endemic to the species. I think so much of my life has been guided growing up a little girl who learned certain fear-based behaviors and patterns in order to literally survive. I hope that CBT can help me change some of those thought patterns that.
I also am thinking of going back on escitalopram, aka lexapro. I think this time will be different because I've accepted so much about myself. Last time I took escitalopram, it did somewhat relieve the burden of my depression but also prevented me from caring enough about myself to try to resolve them. I'm hoping now that I am hiding less from myself, and the relief from depression that escitalopram provides will give me the head space and spoons to actually do something about my challenges rather than continue to hide from them.
Lastly, I want to try clinical ketamine. I've heard it can be really freeing and is effective at reducing the severity and frequency of depressive episodes.
I do want to be clear about one thing. Among the things I've accepted about myself is the fact that I knew as early as age 10 that I was a girl (or a woman, since I'm now a grown-ass adult) despite the world's presumptions based on my anatomy. The early exploration of my true gender at age 10 and my openness at least one boy my age about that exploration led to traumatic events that in turn led me to make an attempt on my own life at that age. I feel weirdly defensive and insecure in my transness, but the longer I live as myself, the longer I associate "boymoding" with fear and survival rather than any authentic expression of self. Like, I'm still a somewhat butch queer woman -- I like my circular saw as much as I like my sewing machine, and shorts and camis almost always feel happier than dresses -- but I'm still a woman.
What do you all think, I guess?
