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Chicken or the Egg? Situation

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Bart, Nov 23, 2014.

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  1. Bart

    Bart Banned Member

    Over the past few weeks I’ve watched my depression spiral from mild to deep, and during that time old bad habits resurface.

    It started off (as in the past) by just skipping the odd meal. This progressed, with deepening depression to eating only a little until last week, when I hardly ate anything.

    I went through full-blown anorexia when I was young, culminating with an eighteen month stay in hospital. During that period I learnt all the whys and wherefores of eating disorders and went through the ‘programme’ several times, and it was only the threat of having to go through it yet again that I forced myself to eat.

    I learnt that eating disorders are often a method to occlude painful feelings. As happens with ‘normal’ people, when they are sad their appetite diminishes. With me, when this happens it turns into a means to an end. The less I eat, the more I’m able to quash feelings. At the same time, I do know that not eating leads to a low mood in itself. This catch twenty two can go on and on for so long that ‘not eating’ becomes the norm, and then I’m in real trouble.

    Yesterday, I was able to break the ‘run’ of not eating by eating a few small things here and there. I could not eat a square meal at all, but felt that eating anything would be better than nothing at all. (This flies full pelt in the face of nutritionists’ advice to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner with snacks mid morning and afternoon.). I didn’t feel too bad afterwards. I was prepared for a full ‘explosion’ of feelings to overwhelm me, but they didn’t come, which in a way worries me. In the past, when I’ve broken a ‘fast’ I’ve ended up in a seriously bad situation. So where are my feelings hiding? God knows.

    Today, I have the prospect of having to have (English) Sunday Lunch, which is something my family have every week – almost religiously. Last weekend I was in such a delicate state following a close shave with ‘the deed’ that I couldn’t eat it. Quashing feelings again.

    It is the upcoming week that I’m looking at now. I seriously must not revert to restricted eating. I have to deal with feelings rather than cover them up with ‘old habits’. I’ll be on my own 9 to 5 as my children are at school and my wife at work. Unfortunately, this is not good. It allows me to restrict because there’s nobody to notice. In the past, I’ve noticed that with restricted eating, I will not eat all day long, only allowing myself something in the evening. Therein lies the devil. It’s crucial to eat as early as possible in the day in order to ‘permit’ eating for the rest of the day.

    So, I’ve drawn my line in the sand with this post. I’ll come back and say how it has gone.
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi Bart, so sorry to hear that you are suffering depression and an eating disorder. It's must so hard to cope with both things. Eating disorder is very hard to cope with and you have to be brave. No doubt it's mentally and emotionally draining but you have to take one day at a time in the recovery process. I know it's hard for you but please speak to the nutritionist as they will give you the best advice. Do not get down by this advice as it will help you in the long run. The important thing that you are alive and do not feel alone. The people here know that you very delicate at the moment and we will get through this tough time. Keep posting for support you richly deserve.
  3. Bart

    Bart Banned Member

    Thank you incrisis99 for your reply and positive ideas to help me through the struggle. I don't have a nutritionist these days, but I clearly recall everything that she hammered into me!!. I try and follow her advice when I can, but (as it was many years) ago, I try to make a best effort rather than no effort at all.

    Following my OP, I was faced with either cooking Sunday lunch myself or letting my wife do it. Each has plus and minus sides. If my wife does it, I feel guilty (and she gets angry) If I don't eat it. Also, I do not feel in control so much. But if I cook it, I end up spending two and a half hours 'face-to-face' with food and at the end of it all I sometimes do not feel like eating anything having had so much hands-on. But at least I'm in control of it.

    So I opted for 'me do it' as I could not face the prospect of not being in control, and I also wanted to do something positive.

    I got off to a reasonable start, but found myself making mistakes and having to 'rescue' those mistakes. My mind was just crammed with other things. Then, I started to get physically tired. I felt nauseous and on the verge of collapsing. But I carried on to the bitter end.

    By the time I served up, I really could not face it, but at least gave myself some of it although it did rather look like a mouse's nouvelle cuisine portion. Luckily, children do not notice what's on other peoples' plates; they're more interested with what's on theirs, and my wife either didn't notice or chose not to comment.

    Afterwards I felt dreadful - physically and mentally. I knew there would be payback for eating. I tidied up the kitchen, sadly looking at the vast amount of leftovers I cannot touch.

    Roll on next week.....
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