Chronic Anxiety - Will lead to losing my job :(

[cie]

Hi,

I've been trying to work lately, which is hard enough when you have psychosis and all the negative symptoms associated to it. It's actually just at mcdonalds because I don't want to crash and burn in my actual industry (which is small and if I break the contract will endanger my future).

But now I'm in this cycle:

1. Worry about the next day, can't get to sleep
2. Also worry about events occurred during the day or previous days and the outcomes, as well as any financial issues
3. Eventually get to sleep, I have an alarm set but I'm so completely paranoid about being late because it doesn't go off, maybe a power cut turns my computer off (which I use as an alarm) or anything that could prevent it firing, this makes me wake up ALL THE TIME during the night
4. Wake up hours too early due to #3 and can't get to sleep due to worrying about the day ahead, will they put me on a different station that I don't know how to do, will I be fast enough, they 'talked' to me the other day which was pretty much be more energetic or get fired, I can't fake having energy when my energy levels are 0 and still depleting (somehow). There's still heaps to be trained on and I'm sick of being told off by managers because they're inconsiderate in their advice.
5. Also thoughts about the future and complete doubt about how I'll EVER get where I want to be, overwhelming need to just give up and live out my days on social welfare for invalids.
6. Eventually get out of bed with a massive headache, unable to eat the entire morning, go to work and get really hungry throughout the day due to not being able to eat in the mornings (caused by my anxiety). No food = no energy as well. All my anxiety revolves around having anxiety too!! Endless loop...
7. During the day I feel drained and weak, I get so many thoughts about just walking out and not coming back.

I really need help. Tomorrow is a 9 hour shift, I've done 4s, and 6s. They were a bit much for me.


Here's the thing, I live in New Zealand and you can forget right away all those travel brochures you look at because it's nothing more than a heaping pile of shit whether you're considering it's "beautiful" (NZ is NOT!! beautiful, it's ugly and humid, not somewhere anyone should have to suffer living in) or you look at our economy or political situation - we have no parties we want in government and all possible PMs just want to exploit the country, it's happening right now. It's a sinking ship no matter how you look at it and I want to LEAVE.

I have UK ancestry, so I'm getting a 5 year visa and going there. That's why I'm working so hard to get money because I need a minimum of $8,000NZD (6,400 USD just as a comparison for the presumed majority) to make it happen. Also NZ has no film industry that caters to specialists (me) and I can not work here anywhere but mcdonalds really. In the UK there is an amazing film industry and I can work in it if I can just get there to begin with.

One day I woke up and decided I'm no longer going to live in NZ, I'm going to work until I have the money to move, then I'm going to work because I wont have access to social welfare and I wont let myself falter for a single day because that will mean being deported back to this foul country. After five years I'll apply for citizenship and finally be able to take a breath. And it's been hell on me simply due to all the mental illnesses I have. Right now, my chronic anxiety is the largest hurdle.

I've emailed my therapist, but the time it will take her to get me an appointment with the psychiatrist is months. I will have crashed and burned by then.

I really didn't come here to rant about my country but I got carried away, so I apologize for that. But it really is as bad as I say, NZ is one huge foreign misconception :/

 

[triedtoomanytimes]

Thanks for crushing all my preconceptions about NZ..... to be honest ever since Lord of the Rings I've always associated it with Gollum..

more important though is you. From your post you're putting a hell of a lot of effort into achieving your goal, there are plans there, hopes...what do you reckon might help you to get there? You mentioned a therapist so I guess you've done some work on your anxiety, can you think of what might help you get into a regular sleep pattern?

Sorry, more questions than answers. Hope you're ok and hope you get through your shift ok.

namaste

t.

 

[MisterBGone]

To me: getting a job working at McDonald's sounds like about the hardest thing I could possibly do (work-wise!)! I've never worked fast food before, but it looks intense! So, I think that it's perfectly natural for you to be nervous there, especially when you're just starting out. I think that that would be the case--anxiety or no anxiety. If it gets too severe or acute at any point, might you simply stop by the hospital for some medications that would help to calm you down? I don't know that they would be able to fill prescriptions to get you through to your next appointment with the psychiatrist, but it could help prevent a breakdown.

I like that you work in or are specializing in, have taken an interest or passion in film. I too, would like to make a film myself one day, and I hope to begin writing a new screenplay soon.

With respect to your job, can you get a better more reliable alarm clock? Maybe use your phone? So that you can get some good, quality sleep? How about going for a walk or to the gym for some exercise daily? And maybe just something small like a bowl of cereal or two fried eggs--heck, even a slice of toast, would give your energy a boost throughout the day.

Just understand that all of these unpleasant things that are happening to you are part of your condition, so try not to worry or get upset over them. It sounds like you've got a bright, exciting future ahead of yourself, and I wish you continued success,
good luck!

 

[cie]

Hi guys, thanks for your supportive words.

For the past 2 days at mcdonalds they put me on lobby - which just means I was degraded to being a janitor! Wiping tables and taking out trash / cleaning toilets. It's slow even at peak times, it's boring, dull, and freaking tedious. On the second day they said it was just 'for a bit', then left me on it all day. So today I went in there for my 9 hour shift and the Indian manager who's a complete <bad words> puts me on lobby, and while on lobby since it's Saturday it moves fast, barely time to keep up yet still COMPLETELY BORING. During my shift he tells me to do things as if I don't know, as if he doesn't know I know!- that I already am aware of yet they are not a priority and I do not have time to do them, he even tells me to do the things as if it's something I don't know WHILE IM DOING IT.

Then another (better / decent) manager came on, and put me on fries, then the day zoomed by so thank god for that.

Here's the horrible thing. Well, it's coming, soon :P I took my meds, went to bed, and for once managed to sleep properly, for some reason I even managed to eat a little in the morning, so far so good, right? I took my meds which were moved up to 40mg on this very day from 20mg. It's ziprasidone so taken at night and at morning. It heavily sedated me so my mind was complete zombie, soon as I got a break after 2 hours I almost fell right asleep the moment I sat down, I had to fight it the entire time, prior to my break I was so angry that I got put on lobby for third day in a row - variety is the ONLY reason that I even considered mcdonalds and they took it away! I was planning out my resignation letter, but I didn't realize my head was in that mode because of the sedation from the meds until I had that break. Getting on fries saved me, the blazing heat kept me wide awake without any effect of sedation.

Tomorrow is only a 6 hour shift. Monday/Tuesday off. My therapist who I've contacted will reply on Monday. I also impressed the manager and shift manager with my work on fries, they noted how much faster I had gotten (from not doing them, how the heck does that work! - I did it for two days, then none for two weeks, got back on today and I was zooming) so hopefully they'll put me there rather than lobby!! The moment someone mentions lobby I'm going to blatantly say I really dislike lobby and would prefer to do fries or grill if that's at all possible sometime throughout the day because I need to keep practising them and enjoy doing it.

Here's the annoying thing. They think I'm amazing at lobby. A BLIND DEAF RETARDED MONKEY COULD DO IT!

As for your outlook on fast food I took it for the reasons you don't seem to want it. The second I can spare a moment to look at a clock, my energy levels drop due to the anticipation of remaining time, any time I can breath, I realize how slowly time moves. I want to be so busy that I can't even spare a single thought, then the day ends in a flash. It is the only way I can cope. Lobby has nothing but time to think, look at clocks, and walk around the room hoping for something to actually freaking do.

Sorry, huge rant.