Claes

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by justastrangegirl, Nov 21, 2013.

  1. justastrangegirl

    justastrangegirl Well-Known Member

    My heart aches for you. I am tortured with thoughts of you, and though I am sometimes convinced that these feelings have faded, each and every time I fall in love with you again. This is a horrible thing to live with, the love I have for you. I know that it will never in this lifetime be returned. Sometimes I can live with that, but other times I cannot. I truly feel that no matter who you end up with, and I am certain that it will not be me, that this person will NEVER hold the love for you that I do.

    And you just cast it aside. You allow me to feel these feelings, and feed the passion inside that I have for you because you enjoy the comfort I bring you, the comfort of knowing that I will always be there for you. You keep me around as a last resort, as fuel that caresses your ego.

    It has taken me seven years to finally become fed up with you. My eyes are wide open, and suddenly I can see everything that I have ignored for so long. You have no place for me in your heart. You have no respect for me, not in the tiniest bit. If you did, then you would not treat me the way you do, you would not string me along and play with my emotions because you know that I will put up with it.

    You mean everything to me, everything. Yet, I mean nothing to you. Tell me, if I meant anything to you, even my friendship, why do you disrespect me? Why do you continue to degrade me? What I have for you is very precious, and not everyone in this world can say that there is someone out there who sticks by them, through thick and thin.

    For all these years, I have put up with your games. I have put up with you disappearing on me, yet when you come back I am always there to welcome you with forgiveness and no hard feelings. I have put up with your neglect towards my feelings, with you shoving in my face your other relationships because I am so desperate to keep you around that I will listen contently. I have put up with your truthful, hurtful confessions, the things that you admit to and then deny ever admitting to me later on. You deny them, maybe because of guilt or embarrassment because no one in their right mind would be proud to admit to the horrid things you have said to me.

    I remember you telling me when we were still together, an eternity ago, that you had nothing left for me and that it wouldn't bother you in slightest if I cheated on you because I was no longer in your heart.

    I remember the time you sent me the longest text message I have ever gotten in my life. It was so hurtful, that I remember the time of day, the season of the year, where exactly I was when I read it, and the complete numbess I felt immediately after reading it. It hurt so bad that I wrote it down because I didn't want to push aside how cruel you were, I wanted to remember for the future when I would eventually gain enough strength to leave you. I had done absolutely nothing to you but profess my love and adoration for you. You responded by writing that my love and dedication to you felt like a burden and only annoyed you. The last lines of the letter were, "I hate you."

    I remember every single god damned time I professed my love to you, throughout the entire seven years I have known you, and how you responded back. You knew what you were doing. You would respond vaguely enough to give me hope, but never enough to give me a direct answer. Never enough to tell me your true feelings, that you have no feelings left for me. But just to be safe, you would never go far enough to give me the satisfaction of receiving your love. You would only say just enough, and as vague as vague could possibly get, to give me hope and lead me on. Don't you dare deny it.

    I was happy with the way things were between us. I had finally found peace with the fact that we would never be together again. I could have handled the fact that you were seeing someone else, because after all, we won't ever get farther than remaining friends. I had never felt so foolish in my entire life. After all the things you have ever done to me, this takes the prize. I have spent the past years thinking about that day when you asked me out again and our entire past. My total image of you, my undying love and respect for you, all the memories of you and happiness that came from them, all the devotion I have for you... it has vanished.

    This time, I'm not saying it as a strategy to scare you and hope that your love for me will suddenly come back, that you will chase after me to keep me around. This time, I don't want you to come back. I want nothing to do with you, you Bastard. You killed the most precious thing in the world, and that is love, understanding, and devotion. You may go through relationships throughout your life, and you are always used to me sitting around waiting, waiting around like some sad, pathetic little girl who has a stupid crush. A dumb girl who you can walk all over like a door mat.

    That security is gone. You are alone once again. You can see whomever you please, but just know that if it goes sour, I won't be around to comfort you. I won't be around to keep you company and to remind you that, "no matter what, just remember that someone loves you."

    I will truly never know how you feel about me deep down inside. You are always telling me some sort of distorted truth. Now, it doesn't matter whether or not you are even willing to tell me what goes on in your head. I am not even interested in hearing it, because I know that it will just be the same thing you have been telling me for years. You will never change, and I cannot keep torturing myself like this. I just cannot go an entire lifetime suffering like this anymore.

    Don't expect me to wish you Happy Birthday every year, like I have since I've met you. Don't expect me to be there when you need me. I will never again run my fingers through your hair, or cuddle up next to you and rest my head on your chest.Don't look forward to anything from me anymore. And please understand, I am not doing this to teach you a lesson. I am doing this because I am finally done with you. I am just fed up, and my heart can't take it anymore. I cannot continue loving someone who can't even appreciate my feelings for them.

    You are selfish, and you don't deserve the love I have to offer. You don't deserve love from anyone in this world.

    Now, I'm trying to move on, but can't let people in, am much too scared of being used and laugh at, all because of your neglect towards my feelings. I'm not even sure if I will ever be able to be in a serious relationship, I'm too paranoic about it. Even though someone tells me beautiful, kind words, as much as I'd like to trust them, I cannot do it, not 100% at least.
     
  2. cloud9

    cloud9 Well-Known Member

    *hug

    Don't let him use you. You'll find someone worthy of your love who respects you and treats you right.
     
  3. justastrangegirl

    justastrangegirl Well-Known Member

    Thank u cloud :( Its just Really hard for me to let him go, especially knowing that im going to be alone for a long time :(
     
  4. justastrangegirl

    justastrangegirl Well-Known Member

    Well it's too late tonight
    To drag the past out into the light

    We're one, but we're not the same
    We get to
    Carry each other
    Carry each other

    Have you come here for forgiveness?
    Have you come to raise the dead?
    Have you come here to play Jesus
    To the lepers in your head?

    Did I ask too much?
    More than a lot
    You gave me nothing
    Now it's all I got

    We're one
    But we're not the same
    Will we
    Hurt each other
    Then we do it again

    You say
    Love is a temple
    Love a higher law
    Love is a temple
    Love the higher law

    You ask me to enter
    But then you make me crawl
    And I can't be holding on
    To what you got
    When all you got is hurt

    One love
    One blood
    One life
    You got to do what you should
     
  5. justastrangegirl

    justastrangegirl Well-Known Member

    You put me together
    Then trashed me for pleasure
    You used me again and again
    Abused me, confused me

    Suddenly naked I run through your garden
    Right through the gates of the past and I'm finally free
    Oh there's a world without you
    I see the light
    Living in a world without you
    Oh there is hope to guide me
    I will survive
    Living in a world without you