About a week ago my co-worker passed away. It's been a hard week because we were work friends. We never hanged out at on off time but when at work we'd laugh and joke with each other. We were there for each other for the bad times- work stress, home stress, whatever. I knew when I heard that she had passed away that it was most likely a suicide (it looks that way too)- she had many unstable times while at work where I'd pray that I'd see her at work the next day. But, since I left my job we'd communicated only though texts. And I swear the last ones sounded 'up-beat.' She was talking about getting a new job, asked to use me as reference and I happily agreed and told her that I wished her tons of luck. She sounded happy. But I know words are just words, people can read this post in whatever tone they want. Part of me feels like I should have done more. I should have texted or called her after the reference text that she sent. I look at the texts she sent trying to decide if there was a hidden message I didn't get. I know I was tired when she sent it, and I keep thinking I missed something. But I don't see anything. Part of me wonders if I could have helped her. Today was the memorial service. But I couldn't go to it. I can never go to memorial services, they hurt too much. I know I should have and maybe this will be more guilt to add to me. But I've already got so much, what's one more grain of it. I've been unable to tell anyone- but one friend- about any of this. I want to tell others but it just doesn't come out. Why burden them with what can't be changed; what I messed up with.