I have been on top of the world just to have it crumble and take EVERYTHING with it. At that point I tried a few stupid things and one of the resulted in a high speed chase. Never chase someone driving a car when they don't care to live, you wont catch them. For the most part I have been better for the past year. I moved, started over from scratch, and was really positive about my future. Seems like now the harder I try, the faster the bottom falls out. I push and my invisible foe pushes harder. I really try to not give up. When it seems really bad I listen to Awake and Alive. But I keep imagining the end. I actually see it. March 19, 2011was the last time I saw it for a long while. I was in a hospital waiting for my upcoming commitment hearing. Something happened (actually something negative) to make me get my head on straight and I was not committed. I don't want or trust the med's. The only times I ever tried foolishness was on med's or going thru a change in med's. I just want the visions to stop. I don't need to live for myself, I need to live for my kids. There fore I will not die.