Confusion.... Trigger warning

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by princessofelegance, May 8, 2016.

  1. princessofelegance

    princessofelegance Well-Known Member

    So I've been thinking this over for like two days now and I still cannot get to the bottom of how I feel about everything or why I'm acting the way I am. There's so much trauma in my life and I think what I'm going through now with my fiancé is from the trauma. I find myself completely irritated by everything he says to me. I tell him that all the mental health team involved with me have an agenda. He replies with "no they dont". He doesn't try to talk to me about it. We've been round and round in circles where he thinks he's right and I think I am right. The problem is we aren't talking to each other. I got so angry last night i threw one of my trainers across the room in his direction. Am i, through frustration about my situation with mental health services, turning into my dad. Am I going to be this abusive person which I don't want to be. I can't stop the rage. It over whelms me. It overwhelms me that I get plastered with medication which won't help my EUPD. Flashbacks from my trauma (C-PTSD) and worry that I'm turning into these people who hurt me so badly when I wasn't even old enough to understand. I need to go back to CAT therapy I think.
    EUPD is a life sentence. I've done their courses twice and neither time it has worked. I'm sentenced to a life of such huge pain it makes my chest ache, It makes me hurt so much pain that I don't know how I get out of bed every day and try to make the day work.
    As for my Fiancé I love him to the moon and stars and back, but I wish he had got a better deal than me.
    I wish he had found someone better than me.
  2. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    When you had treatments for the EUPD (you did DBT?) Did you then learn some mindfulness techniques to handle your anger? (which by the sound of it is understandable that you are feeling) What about going for a walk, or just going outside, taking a breather before it gets too much for you to handle? When you start to feel it bubble inside, and getting too much?

    I don't think you are turning into anyone... but you have one very positive thing going for you in this case, you are aware and you know the signs, so you have a chance to change, and you seem to want to. Use this advantage *hugs*

    If your fiance thought he could do better than you, you would not be his fiance. I've had that talk with my boyfriend a lot... from the moment we met I wanted him to leave for his own good... he told me something that did make me stop in my tracks "I am a grown man. I make my own decisions, and I choose you".

    Have you tried to tell your fiance more about how you feel? And that you do need to talk about things?

    Does he know about your traumas?

    I recommend therapy, hun.
  3. princessofelegance

    princessofelegance Well-Known Member

    I've tried self soothing activities to handle my anger. But its just bubbling inside me all of the time. I can't get rid of it. I did DBT (stepps) twice and it's not had any long lasting impact on me. He knows of some of my traumas yes but not all of them. I've just sat him down and asked him to read my post to get an idea of how im feeling.
  4. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Good hun!

    Do you have any papers or written down exercises from DBT? DBT works by training and training and training the exercises they give you, you can still do them.
    If you don't, I can try googling for some (those I have from last time are all in Danish so you wouldn't benefit much from them)
  5. princessofelegance

    princessofelegance Well-Known Member

    i've got my folder somewhere with them in. i'll have a look for it
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  6. Butterfly

    Butterfly Resident SF Sims Enthusiast Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    What are you wanting the MH services to do? Have you told them what you want from them?
  7. princessofelegance

    princessofelegance Well-Known Member

    Yes I have. I've been very clear with them. But everytime i go into a meeting they jumble my words and there's always 2 of them and 1 of me.
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    You know DBT is something you have to work REALLY hard at for it to help you. Did you give it your all and still see no results? (not insinuating you didn't). Are you intimidtated by the fact there are two of them and one of you? I'd talk to them about that if possible and if that gets sorted you might get somewhere. I also have BPD and find it makes me really sensitive but I am working on that. Please don't give up hun. There is a way out of this you just have to find it :)
  9. princessofelegance

    princessofelegance Well-Known Member

    I worked so hard at it and worked it after id finished. But since my psychotic episode everything has gone south. My eupd clinic are saying the voices are due to trauma my psychiatrist and cpn are saying stress. Ive got nothing to be stressed about right now accept the fact i was hearing voices. I dont know what to think. Getting a mind advocate to make sense of it all.