Confusion

[Mysteron Agent]

“I write differently from what I speak, I speak differently from what I think, I think differently from the way I ought to think, and so it all proceeds into deepest darkness.” Kafka

The long road of recovery from spousal narcissistic abuse

 

[Windhover]

 

[may71]

I'm sorry you've been through this. You're welcome to say more about it if you'd like to.

 

[Mysteron Agent]

Therapy directs me to think my positively. That they’ll be that noise in my ear that keeps nagging me until I learn to love myself and life more. To the world in public I seem fine. But it’s a sham. Simply a veneer that is enough to hide the real me. My intentions of ctb are currently on hold. My meds review pointed out that parents who take such decisions increase the likelihood of their children doing the same thing later in life. Now I’m stuck. I work 30-40 hours a week. I am exhausted and house bound on days off. I have conversations with people daily at work, but there’s no substance to my words. Often I have a different conversation in my head as I talk with clients about irrelevances and humdrum insignificant claptrap. I see simple positives but I have very little purpose for myself, just for others around me. I go round and round in circles trying to stay afloat each day in the hope that I find a passion worth living for. The Kafka quote sums me up a treat

 

[may71]

I'm glad you're putting the plans on hold. I just wish there were something that would make life more livable for you. Is there anything that you could imagine that would make that difference?

 

[Windhover]

How are you doing @Mysteron Agent.
In order to stay invested in my life, I have to believe the confusion can clear up eventually. I am acknowledging this is my take, it's subjective from what I understand of my own situation. It is extremely difficult to work through the layers of comments, control, behavior modifications and internalised gaslighting which has been subtly and overtly built into the narcissist's partner (us). It is required as part of the deal, in order to be in relationship with them. When one comes away from the marriage or partnership, there's a lot of damage and confusion about what's real, where did our real self leave off, etc.
I have a hard time talking about it as I'm embarassed, still.

 

[Mysteron Agent]

I'm glad you're putting the plans on hold. I just wish there were something that would make life more livable for you. Is there anything that you could imagine that would make that difference?

I am incredibly fortunate in so very many ways. I feel guilty for not being truly happy. I feel guilty for being so empty. Much like @seabird i cling onto elements of hope, that I may one day learn to heal. Being there for my son is as you know, also paramount. I almost feel cursed that I am on the outside looking in, that I see through the parameters of the humdrum lives we live.

 

[Mysteron Agent]

How are you doing @Mysteron Agent.
In order to stay invested in my life, I have to believe the confusion can clear up eventually. I am acknowledging this is my take, it's subjective from what I understand of my own situation. It is extremely difficult to work through the layers of comments, control, behavior modifications and internalised gaslighting which has been subtly and overtly built into the narcissist's partner (us). It is required as part of the deal, in order to be in relationship with them. When one comes away from the marriage or partnership, there's a lot of damage and confusion about what's real, where did our real self leave off, etc.
I have a hard time talking about it as I'm embarassed, still.

Your words are spot on @seabird They resonate strongly with my experience. I too feel embarrassed when I start to talk about my experience. May get as far as a sentence or two and then I feel as though I am trying to justify my own perceptions of experience.. and the trauma bites again.

 

[may71]

I feel guilty for not being truly happy

A lot of members here will mention they have a nice job, nice house, spouse, children, and friends...all of the things that society says you're "supposed" to have and that give you social status. A person who has these things is "supposed" to be ok and to be happy, and they're confused as to why they're not.

I'm not sure if that's the case for you, but certainly just having a societally approved checklist of things doesn't necessarily lead to happiness. Generally, people who have good health, good relationships, and have their basic material needs met are happy. So maybe you don't actually have those things, or in your case having those things isn't working.

It's good to be grateful for what you've got, but I don't think you need to feel guilty. It's not like you're trying to be unhappy on purpose.

 

[Windhover]

you. Is there anything that you could imagine that would make that difference?

This is a good question may, not just because it's from a place of kindness, but beccause it's a signpost for the right direction.