Constant loop that just won't break

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by FrainBart, Feb 13, 2012.

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  1. FrainBart

    FrainBart Staff Alumni

    I don't know why I am writing here, maybe it's to find someone who can relate, and help me. Or for someone to understand and talk to, or even possibly help someone who is in a similar way.

    I'm 22, and have been struggling with depression for nearly 10 years. At school I was a reject, I had little or no friends, I was plain. I never took pride in my appearance. I was that scruffy quiet girl who never really socialised. I had such high hopes for myself which slowly over the years I spent at school and college got shattered, each dream just kept fading. I dreaded going to school each day. I dreaded getting up. I had no retreat, at school I was bullied, at home, I was bullied, walking to and from school I. Was bullied. I was slowly broken inside, I was a waste. At 16 I took my overdose, a small one, but I felt lost and alone. Everything had failed for me.

    17 was a year I wished I could erase, well one date in particular. 28th July. I was victim of two mens urges, they stole innocence, and whatever scrap of confidence I had left. I was shattered into so many pieces. I couldn't tell anyone, they wouldn't believe me. That marked the start of my self harming, every time I remembered I had to cut, I had to hurt. I couldn't tell.

    I ran away from home, moved in with my bf. But it didn't work out. I moved to a friend, eventually ended up in a relationship with him. I thought I loved him until he got manipulative. Valentine's day, I was so tired, I wanted to sleep. Half asleep he raped me.

    I'm now trying to piece my life together, but it's unsuccessful, life is too much, I need an outlet before it gets too unbearable
     
  2. RonPSH

    RonPSH Banned Member

    Hey,

    That sounds like me in high school, bullied...I seemed like an easy target except I'm 6'3" so few would take their harassment too far.

    I have a sincere question about cutting that just hit me...does cutting force a person out of his or her thoughts, out of the repetition? Is it a way to get the mind to be in the present moment?

    Thanks,

    Ron
     
  3. FrainBart

    FrainBart Staff Alumni

    I think I mainly cut for a fwe reasons, 1) so that I could see how much it was hurting me inside, I believed that I shouldnt feel pain without a cause, so would cut. 2) to try and break me away from the memories, I thought by cutting myself it would teach me not to remember it but because of that it became a habit 3) and what you have said, trying to bring me back to what I was doing at the time.
     
  4. RonPSH

    RonPSH Banned Member

    Good, thanks for sharing that...your 2nd reason is along the lines that I was wondering.

    I'm seeing that the mind will create all sorts of ways to escape the awful feeling of confusion....I was imagining that a fresh cut gives a person something visual to look at, and a the feeling of pain will make it hard to spin the thoughts that make us feel insane and out of control. Like it's a way to take back control but as soon as the cut heals enough, the thoughts come back?

    Thanks for helping me understand this....it means a lot to me. :)
     
  5. FrainBart

    FrainBart Staff Alumni

    At the time I couldnt really understand why I was doing it, but after the first time, when ever I had a flashback or memory my arms would start to itch I would scratch at first and it would relieve the itching but then slowly, the itching got worse, scratching wouldnt get rid of it, so would use something rough to rub, and then progressively got worse.

    When someone figured out what I was doing I found a new way to relieve that itch, using what I could find to just cause pain, shutting limbs in doors or windows just to get the need to cut gone
     
  6. RonPSH

    RonPSH Banned Member

    Can I make this association? That you had to increase the pain to keep the technique working? Similar to a drinker having to consume more and more alcohol to get the same relief? Is that a stretch?
     
  7. FrainBart

    FrainBart Staff Alumni

    Thats exactly right.
    It became an addiction, and like any normal addiction, what would satiate the craving at first would not fulfil the second time, or the third.
     
  8. RonPSH

    RonPSH Banned Member

    great, thanks....what would it take for you to not need to do this anymore? Not repress, but where it doesn't come to your mind to do this? No judgment here...I'm sincerely exploring... :)
     
  9. RonPSH

    RonPSH Banned Member

    I see in life that we can see the "problems", we can see the "ideals", but the path from the problems to the ideals is the question mark. It's like the shrinks don't know the path, the religions don't know the path and the meds clearly don't change a person's understanding.
     
  10. FrainBart

    FrainBart Staff Alumni

    I dont know. I managed to stop a year and half ago. but recently started up again. The last time I had to stop because of work, I was required to wear short sleaved shirts, and nowhere really left to do on my legs, all I could do was reopen up old cuts. which never satisfied as much as cutting, so slowly I cut it out.
     
  11. RonPSH

    RonPSH Banned Member

    Thanks, but when you didn't cut, was there another outlet?
     
  12. RonPSH

    RonPSH Banned Member

    I watch these things in me...my outlet has been in food...needing to eat something, probably to use energy in my jaw. Or some say that crunchy food makes such a loud noise that the thoughts can't be heard.
     
  13. FrainBart

    FrainBart Staff Alumni

    I turned to food. when I couldnt hurt anymore.

    With people who are depressed, seratonin levels are lower which affects your ability to taste sweet things, so more people who are depressed will eat sugary foods
     
  14. RonPSH

    RonPSH Banned Member

    do you see that the missing piece of this puzzle is a true "path"? That repression doesn't work and obviously indulgence doesn't work either? But who knows what works?

    In you I see you're really intelligent, really observant.
     
  15. FrainBart

    FrainBart Staff Alumni

    I am observant, but I can never see things that are the problems for me, I just cant see what could help me but for others I can.
     
  16. RonPSH

    RonPSH Banned Member

    And that suicide is really an idea to stop the need to find the path to the cure, no different than cutting was an idea for the path to getting out of this mental funk? Both are an attempt to stop the thoughts and get relief?

    What I found out in life is that the cure is to find out what is creating all the thoughts, that I was fighting all the fires in my life but never finding out what started them all. Find the source and no more fires, no more thinking and thinking and thinking and life isn't mental anymore. It's ok again.
     
  17. FrainBart

    FrainBart Staff Alumni

    In my head, i can see all the good that suicide would bring, I already have a plan set out, but waiting for the last bit of strength I have got. I want to leave the world with no regret.

    I can never fix the start of the problems. I dont know ho to clear away the bullying, the rape none of it, I cant clear it from my head. I wish I could shut them out of my mind. Even now as I knw the source of it all, it doesnt stop the problems doesnt stop me thinking, doesnt stop the pain.
     
  18. RonPSH

    RonPSH Banned Member

    I would say you know the triggers, but not really the source...the source is actually not seeing how the mind has been misused by society, creating universal mental illness where everyone is trying to consume everyone else and their own bodies in an attempt to get relief from the repetitive thoughts have been like software running in the mind.

    The events aren't the problem...it's the mind having taken over life that's the problem. Those identifications with the past can be cut, and real healing can happen, but the problem is that within your own thoughts, you can't ever see this...that it requires someone that can to help but to allow that takes a deep trust because these mental habits put up a huge fight.

    But the process is no different than shedding beliefs of Santa Claus...with deep profound perspective you can correctly escape the mind and return the mind to being your servant and no longer your master. The mind is horrible master, so horrible it will kill you.
     
  19. RonPSH

    RonPSH Banned Member

    My mother killed herself...I can say for sure, suicide doesn't solve the problem, just passes it onto others who are also confused and seeking escapes their way.

    It's not necessary, but trust is...
     
  20. RonPSH

    RonPSH Banned Member

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