Obviously the worst is the disgusting itself and my not telling for decades.
But there are still other unresolved ugly from and relating to it that I'm too chickenshit to bring myself to confess or confide.
One group that's tearing me up right now, I can't get the clear memory of- and I fear that's a lot less to do with actual memory noise than with inner denial and my mind keeping things from me to prevent humbling and facing the real disgusting of me. If it went as I worry it did, I'm disgusted with myself all the more and don't feel like I deserve to make it Until Sunrise. I've struggled with this for years, trying and failing to dig up and face this memory.
The unsureness is part of it. If I find in memory a reprieve in my fault, but I've already confessed the worst of what I fear happened, then it doesn't matter if I clarify; readers will have registered me as at fault on the level that I'll have then realized I didn't do.
On the other hand, if it's as bad as I fear, I'll be cowardly to lose potential online confidants. This online community is the closest I've known to having non-blood-related true friends. Even if I find out I am as at fault as I'm horrified I might be, I don't know if I can tell.
But there are still other unresolved ugly from and relating to it that I'm too chickenshit to bring myself to confess or confide.
One group that's tearing me up right now, I can't get the clear memory of- and I fear that's a lot less to do with actual memory noise than with inner denial and my mind keeping things from me to prevent humbling and facing the real disgusting of me. If it went as I worry it did, I'm disgusted with myself all the more and don't feel like I deserve to make it Until Sunrise. I've struggled with this for years, trying and failing to dig up and face this memory.
The unsureness is part of it. If I find in memory a reprieve in my fault, but I've already confessed the worst of what I fear happened, then it doesn't matter if I clarify; readers will have registered me as at fault on the level that I'll have then realized I didn't do.
On the other hand, if it's as bad as I fear, I'll be cowardly to lose potential online confidants. This online community is the closest I've known to having non-blood-related true friends. Even if I find out I am as at fault as I'm horrified I might be, I don't know if I can tell.
