Crippling guilt

[Swampyfroggie]

The guilt has been catching up even more these days. It seems like the universe is constantly dropping hints at me that are basically just telling me to kill myself. I feel hopeless. It’s either i go to college and live in fear until everything comes out or i just die before it can begin. I don’t have silly fantasies about going somewhere else anymore. I know they’re stupid and that my past will follow me wherever i go. I can no longer engage in magical thinking. I only have two options. I just want pills but i don’t have anything to use. I hope that if it comes out, it should at least be by the time i’m eighteen so that i can buy what i need by then in preparation for what will happen. I won’t get there because i will die sometime soon, very soon because there is no hope left. I don’t even really feel bad for myself anymore because it’s my fault and if i can’t face the consequences of my actions then i might as well end it. I’m still sad though that i’ll have to die without anyone truly knowing me outside my family and i’m sad that they wouldn’t be able to recover. I just wish that i could disappear without anyone remembering me. Most of the people i’ve known have hated me and i think i should just do them a favour now. I have given everyone the ultimate reason to hate me and i‘ve proven that i am unlikeable. Nobody knows just how desperate i am. There’s not much time left now. I am worried people will think i’m a good person when i die.

 

[may71]

i will die sometime soon, very soon because there is no hope left

I don't think there's no hope left.

I don't think you've done anything so bad that you deserve the death penalty. What you've described doing in other posts is pretty mild. If you feel the need to apologize, that might be helpful, but even if you didn't there's no need to go to such extremes.

 

[Swampyfroggie]

I don't think there's no hope left.

I don't think you've done anything so bad that you deserve the death penalty. What you've described doing in other posts is pretty mild. If you feel the need to apologize, that might be helpful, but even if you didn't there's no need to go to such extremes.

I don’t really think i deserve death. I just know that if it comes out i will get bullied horrifically and nobody will ever want to talk to me because everyone has grandparents. My point was that I only really deserve the consequences but i can’t face them so might as well die.

I can’t really apologise for that sort of thing either. Do i go “ oh hey i’m sorry that i laughed at the fact that your grandmother died”? It’s so absurd its almost comedic, nobody would take that to heart. He’d just tell everyone then. I just have to hope he’s forgotten it and live with the daily guilt and paranoia for now.

 

[I_waste_everything]

I can’t really apologise for that sort of thing either. Do i go “ oh hey i’m sorry that i laughed at the fact that your grandmother died”?

I don't mean to downplay the severity or your guilt. I do, however, offer that I could forgive you. It'd take a while and I'd want an apology, but I for one could. And I hold onto grudges longer and harder than most.

 

[may71]

He’d just tell everyone then

I don't think it's necessarily the case that he would tell everyone, and all those people in turn would bully you. You're imagining that there would be severe consequences from this, but there may be none.

 

[Swampyfroggie]

I don't think it's necessarily the case that he would tell everyone, and all those people in turn would bully you. You're imagining that there would be severe consequences from this, but there may be none.

Look it may seem ironic coming from me but he isn’t a very nice person either. He would gossip about everyone all the time and saw people as cartoon characters or jokes of some kind. He would constantly make belittling and demeaning comments towards me during conversation.

Sure i could say that he may have changed by now because i used to be the same way. Difference is that i had a reason to change because i moved to a new school and started to understand myself better and that was not who i really was. I doubt that’s who he really is either. But point is if he still hangs about with the people he was friend with before (they have been friends since primary school/elementary or maybe earlier) he definitely has not changed.

I have learnt from experience that people do not change unless they have to and as long as people have their yes men protecting them they won’t change. Meanwhile i had nobody to protect me so i had to reflect on myself rather than rely on other people’s opinions to guide me and reassure me that i was never wrong.

Especially seeing as his friend group, well mostly the leader of course, were actually terrible bullies to me and treated me like i was subhuman, which was why i had to move schools. Seriously, they are probably the main reason why i had to move schools (there were 2-3 other bullies who were worse but other than that they were the meanest) or else i’d’ve been dead by April last year so i was essentially saved by moving schools. If things had happened differently i wouldn’t be here, or at least not in full health like i am now.

I just figure i’d be better off leaving it alone now and maybe i could try to reach out to him on social media when i’m a bit older maybe uni age and then he might be mature enough to take it to heart.

I simply don’t think you properly remember being in secondary/high school because everyone treats bits of information like gossip snd drama. It wouldn’t turn out well at all. If there’s a chance it would i’m not taking it. There’s a higher chance that it would only make it worse.

Also must add that my social status makes things a lot worse too. The reason why the bullying got worse was because i lost people’s respect. I was trying to make people like me. I so badly wanted people to like me and thought if i acted like them they’d like me. Basically just sucking up to my bullies. Didn’t work like that. Then i moved schools and now there are more embarrassing stories to be passed around. Seeing as i’m not worthy of respect (by their standards, not mine) it certainly means he’d be even less likely to take me seriously. The odds are very much against me.

 

[Licorice]

What you did is not so bad it deserves death. Once you go away to university, surrounded by new people who don't have pre-formed ideas about you, you'll be able to gain a new perspective on the situation and see your way forward. Honestly, I am not even sure why you want to reach out to him at all. I understand that you made a mistake you're ashamed of, a mistake which has led some individuals to judge you more harshly than you deserve. We have all done that. But they don't exactly sound like nice people, not the kind of people whose good opinion counts for much. I don't think you should go grovelling to them, just because they choose to think the worst of you. Believe me, I know what it's like when one's social status feels hopelessly low and the respect of one's peers impossible to get. But it won't always feel that way. You'll go off to uni and start your adult life, and their power over you will evaporate. A day will come when it doesn't really matter any more. Please stay alive long enough to discover this truth for yourself.

 

[may71]

he isn’t a very nice person either

Ok, but that doesn't mean that he's going to bear a grudge for that long and launch a school-wide campaign of attack against you. Is there anything about his reaction that indicated he would do this? Like if he said "Just for that, I'm going to tell everyone in the school about this", then it might be more plausible, but otherwise I think it's probably not going to happen.

I just figure i’d be better off leaving it alone now and maybe i could try to reach out to him on social media when i’m a bit older maybe uni age and then he might be mature enough to take it to heart.

That sounds like it would be good.

I simply don’t think you properly remember being in secondary/high school because everyone treats bits of information like gossip snd drama. It wouldn’t turn out well at all. If there’s a chance it would i’m not taking it. There’s a higher chance that it would only make it worse.

Maybe I don't properly remember, but I wasn't suggesting that you had apologize right away, or even ever. It's just that if you felt wracked by guilt or anxiety about what you said to him, that was an option.