Criticism

Discussion in 'Strategies for Success' started by SilentLegend, Jun 16, 2015.

  1. SilentLegend

    SilentLegend Member

    Proving people wrong

    This is something I was thinking about today, and I want to share how I am coping with it.
    If this helps someone else, that's great.

    For so long I hated criticism, I hated when people would point out my weaknesses and faults.
    Because it made me feel worthless.
    People, especially when I was depressed, would always tell me "You need more positivity in your life" or "You don't have much confidence" or "You are so shy", or "You are just being lazy", or "You just want to complain and wallow in your misery", or whatever the case may be.
    When people told me that I would feel so angry inside, I felt like I was being talked down to, I felt like people were trying to rub it in my face, I felt insulted.
    I would become vengeful and hateful towards them.
    One comment like that would immediately sour my relationship with that person who said it.
    And sometimes it doesn't even have to be someone saying it to me, even if I see this stuff being said to someone else, I would react the same way because I thought if they could say it to that person then they probably would say the same thing to me.

    The reason I reacted like that is my pride was hurt deeply, like how dare they doubt me, how dare they talk to me like they are better than me.
    Even though they were telling the truth at times, it still hurt a lot.
    I would hold grudges, I would fantasize about getting payback for what they said, I always felt that I have to prove people wrong and make them regret their words.
    This is also what society told me through the media, that you should have a chip on your shoulder, and let that motivate you to shut up your haters.

    But I think I took it too far, I let those comments get to me, it stressed me out a lot.
    It seemed like I felt more hurt than I was motivated, and I just wanted them to change their mind about me so badly.
    So every interaction I had I would think "Would those people approve of my confidence", or whatever.
    Every little thing that happened where I thought I wouldn't be good enough for them, I would feel more and more worthless and insecure because I felt I couldn't prove them wrong, I was afraid I would fail to get the last laugh.
    I didn't want them to be right about me, because that meant that I was inferior.
    I would beat myself over it and I would get mad at myself.
    Deep down I knew that what those people said about me was right, I just never wanted to accept it, I didn't want to accept that they were better than me.

    In the end I think all of this just made me more bitter, more insecure, more depressed, more self loathing.
    It is never going to make me happy that is for sure.



    The lesson I am learning from living this way for my whole life is that getting so preoccupied with trying to prove people wrong and get their approval is doing me a lot of harm.
    Going out there every day thinking that I have to pay them back for the things they said, is the wrong way to go through life.
    The right way to go through life is to let all that stuff go.
    Let all that pride and resentment and hatred go.

    The problem was that I felt that I had to overcome everything on my own, I had to overcome depression, anxiety, lack of confidence, and all these other obstacles by myself.
    Then only I could prove to people that they were wrong.
    I was ashamed to ask for help because that would mean I wasn't able to do it on my own, and so it wouldn't be authentic, felt like it was taking shortcuts and it won't count for proving them wrong.
    I guess it was more about getting their approval and satisfying my vindictiveness than it was for me to actually improve.
    But I have realized that I cannot do this on my own, I am not superhuman, I can't go out and just will myself to overcome all these obstacles.
    If I could, then I would never be in this position in the first place.

    I have to swallow my pride and forget about what people say, and how I compare to them.
    Just have to remember that I need to be thankful to even have the opportunity to get help and get better and improve my life.
    It doesn't matter what people say, I don't have to meet anyone else's expectations, I have my own expectations for myself and I should only care about that.
    I understand that any improvement that I make, won't be just because of myself, I owe thanks to a lot of people in my life that have helped me, the people on this forum included.
    Just to get to where I have gotten to now, I have a lot to be thankful for, it is not about me doing everything on my own, in fact it was never about that now that I think of it.

    So with that said I can let all that prove people wrong stuff go.
    People can say whatever criticism they want about me, they can think whatever they want, I am just going to let that go.
    I will try my best not to let bitterness, the vindictiveness, and resentment fester.
    Everything that they criticize me on, I can improve in all those areas I just need the help.
    If I do the things I need to do and go through the process of improving, then the results will be there, I don't have to worry about that.
    I can admit that I need to work on my confidence, I can admit that I need to be more positive, it is what it is.
    There is no reason for me to try to get back at them, no need to prove a point because I won't be taking the glory anyways even if I do get better.
    It is not about me trying to prove to others that I am good enough for them.
    I get better because I want to get better, I should do it for me, not for anyone else.
    And I should be happy and grateful for the people in my life that contribute to my improvement.
    Obviously criticism is not going to feel good, it will always hurt but I am not going to obsess over it.
    It's all good, I'm gonna sit back, put my pride aside, and just chill, I'm blessed to be here and I'll be fine no matter what you people say.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 16, 2015
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this, you made a lot of really good points that many of us should keep in mind about how to deal with a "suggestion" that really just feels like criticism. Thank you :)
     
  3. Cicada 3301

    Cicada 3301 Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I would have liked to have quoted the entire post as I feel I can relate to it a lot. I have not been able to express what you said here before, so thank you for that. For a long time I was also in the same position. Always trying to get peoples approval and any sign of criticism would just make me angry and I would put it down or laugh it off. Because it hurt, being in the place I was, it was bad enough and I didn't need to be put down anymore. The thing is, while I had a right to turn away from some of the more horrible and unwarranted criticisms, I missed out on all the fair reflections because of my attitude towards it. I just couldn't stand anyone putting me down anymore, not even in the smallest way. Because I didn't want to get hurt, I wouldn't even listen to those who were being kind and trying to help me. I built up a layer around me and no one was allowed to threaten that. I didn't allow anyone to tell me what to do or how to say it.

    I had a big ego then, I still have a big one now :rolleyes: but I have noticed a change in me over the last year. I am starting to accept that people, deep down are trying to help me with their criticisms. Sure, I won't agree with every single one, I probably won't agree with 75% of them, but I am willing to listen to people now and understand where they are coming from. It's not about getting them to shut up as soon as possible or telling them you are not interested, or even ignoring them. I listen to them, I hear what they have to say and I then decide whether or not I feel it is a fair criticism. If it is, that's great, I always try to remember in the future. If it's not, I will say thank you and think about it some more and if I don't feel it is for me, then I don't have to take that piece of advice on board.

    If I come across someone who just wants to criticise and belittle me for no apparent reason, I take a different approach. Instead of reacting how I used to and insulting them, making fun of them and putting them down - you just ignore them. "Never argue with a fool; onlookers may not be able to tell the difference." Mark Twain. If you argue with an idiot, they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience. Ignore and move on.

    I'm glad you are starting to let things go instead of trying to get your own back, and maybe you are even taking on board some of the more helpful criticisms along the way. Like you said, "it doesn't matter what people say, I don't have to meet anyone else's expectations, I have my own expectations for myself and I should only care about that."

    Thanks again for this post, it was an interesting read. It is good to know that I am not alone. :)