Venting Crying every time i am in public

[3nufk1n.sheepies]

Hey im transtypal
I speak enneagramese, or typese

I am a 5w6 identifying person. wearinng ANTP 5w79 type clothes, the same with music hobbies vocab etc, it really affirms my type dentity

Is it possible to have social anxiety but also not be shy

How can someone simultaneously have social anxiety but also meltdowns in public

I really hate my voice

I feel like it sounds too loud and desperate

I feel dysphoria and shame from being too outspoken

and like not concealing emotions enough if ykwm

and like too wordy but i make being anything BUT loud, expressive, outspoken as part of my identity

hence exhibiting that esp in front of others feels unbearable

but i make being anything BUT loud, expressive, outspoken as part of my identity

hence exhibiting that esp in front of others feels unbearable
is it understandable that the quieter and softer i speak, the less emotion i show and the more concise and detached my words are the skinnier i feel
being less gender dimorphic also makes me feel skinnier
i just did something very very embarrassing and painful

i asked to go on a computer just because there was a sign
when i could have just done it myself. i would have avoided having to speak to people


i just did something very very embarrassing and painful

i asked to go on a computer just because there was a sign
when i could have just done it myself. i would have avoided having to speak to people

did that count as being overly cautious and conscientious and dramatic

my ideal seld would have used xomputer anyway
is this social anxiety

the closer i am to people and the more people there are, the more it feels like im walking on eggshells


i feel so stupid and humiliated i tried to use a library printer but someone taught me how to use it

I CANT STAND BEING PERCEIVED AS UN TECH SAVVY



does it invalidate my ideal self

i went to the library printer but a librarian without me asking taught me how to use it


I feel like the more i want to be my ideal self the more people will perceive me as the opposite
Because they noticed me being bad at using a printer so they decided to help me does that mean i am not my ideal self



I am so hurt

my 5w6 transtypal typedentity has been thrown into the dump

because a stranger thinks i am bad with computers

ID RATHER DIE THAN BE XSFJ

is this agoraphobia or social anxiety or something else

i cant leave the house without cns depressant drugs. otherwise i get racing thoughts, i feel extremely uncomfortable around strangers, being perceived in a way i dont like even once can completely crush my day



the transtypal paradox is that the more upset i am because i am not like my ideal self the more i behave as the opposite of my ideal seld

 

[3nufk1n.sheepies]

being a transtypal person that gets maltyped (eg an sp2 labelled "selfish", an 8 or sx6 labelled "weak", an e5 labelled "stupid", a 4w3 labelled "poser" in any shape or form) severely hurts their feelings
comfort them with transtypal plasters

don't re use the maltypery knife. that will only make their emotional state escalate.
if i am crying in public no one understands me
because when my feelings are hurt my brain instantly stops thinking rationally and instead goes into transtypal mode
transtypalese is a language only my triggered brain can understand
and the kind of advice people give to me when i am in transtypal mode makes me cry even more because it proves i am my anti self

this makes me very dysphoric. this is how i imagine differdnt mbtj dealing with emotjons and being triggered
XXTP intellectualises emotions and likelt deflects it with sarcasm and joked
XXTJ has an angry meltdown
XXFP does art
but XXFJ (the same as whT i do) trauma dumps and needs extsrnal validation. i do that but i DONT WANT TK BE XXFJ I WANT TO BE THE OPPOSITE 😭😭😭

 

[may71]

Hugs 3nuf

 

[iloverachel]

my friend