meaninglessness part comes from my childhood hardwork, I sacrificed Childhood but I can't get back the most happy age-kind of sadness why I worked hard when I am eventually going to die-I guess it's my selfish Hedonism speaking out. Now I will age, disease and death. Only my sister's kid will enjoy what I have accumulated through my hardwork
Daily Goals: Need someone whom I can share my hourly goals & It's progress
- Thread starter Fear_of_being_Jobless
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I was smart 4 years ago. Now my depression has clouded my memory-I have forgotten Linear algebra,calculus etc-Which I was good at. Which was required to get a good job
Maybe my depression has made me search philosophical answers. But whenever I get deep nihilistic thoughts, I eat chilly or get chased by dogs(I like the survival instinct hormone rush)
12:35 pm-1 pm IST Lunch
Maybe my depression has made me search philosophical answers. But whenever I get deep nihilistic thoughts, I eat chilly or get chased by dogs(I like the survival instinct hormone rush)
12:35 pm-1 pm IST Lunch
Future Self: Please listen to your past self. I am worried about your Past self
Past Self: Risk factors associated with you ending up in mortuary is high. It will be the past which will cause more pain if you end up jobless
Present Self; Yes I know, I have to restrict myself to Job preparation. I will work hard for 6 months and then decide
Past Self: Risk factors associated with you ending up in mortuary is high. It will be the past which will cause more pain if you end up jobless
Present Self; Yes I know, I have to restrict myself to Job preparation. I will work hard for 6 months and then decide
What will I do in my next semester?
Join a computational Lab for my thesis
Take one course: Either Autonomous Navigation or Machine Learning for Software Engineering
What if I end up jobless?
I will start a course on Finance + Data Science for 8th grade students- syllabus will be equivalent to PGDBA(https://www.iimcal.ac.in/programs/pgdba/programme-overview/tentative-course-list)
I will start a Prodigy course programme for 3rd grade students-Syllabus will be Business(equivalent to IIM Bangalore MBA Syllabus)+Technology(All engineering fields-Theoretical + Labs will be limited to only modelling and simulation works)+Maths
What if I get job?
Then I will only start classes for 8th grade students
Join a computational Lab for my thesis
Take one course: Either Autonomous Navigation or Machine Learning for Software Engineering
What if I end up jobless?
I will start a course on Finance + Data Science for 8th grade students- syllabus will be equivalent to PGDBA(https://www.iimcal.ac.in/programs/pgdba/programme-overview/tentative-course-list)
I will start a Prodigy course programme for 3rd grade students-Syllabus will be Business(equivalent to IIM Bangalore MBA Syllabus)+Technology(All engineering fields-Theoretical + Labs will be limited to only modelling and simulation works)+Maths
What if I get job?
Then I will only start classes for 8th grade students
I'm sorry you lost your scholarship. That doesn't seem fair at all.
While professional medical treatment would be ideal, there are some self-treatment methods that you could try. In principle, there may also be some free or low-cost sources of medical treatment. I could offer some suggestions if you'd like, but it's also ok if you don't want suggestions.
While professional medical treatment would be ideal, there are some self-treatment methods that you could try. In principle, there may also be some free or low-cost sources of medical treatment. I could offer some suggestions if you'd like, but it's also ok if you don't want suggestions.
I have tried professional help at my institute. It didn't help me. Now I have accepted there is no objective purpose in life. My existential depression comes from two things: My hardwork (regret of missing childhood fun) and Narcissism( Being a class topper made me very egoistic during childhood).
It might be very hard for some people to accept Heliocentric model, when it was adopted by scientific community-They might be also depressed. Same way I have to accept the truths. We are just like other living beings: Survive and Reproduce.
It's my reductionism which caused everything. Atheists just question only religion-I questioned everything-eventually ended up in a pessimistic state.
Now I have to look at what good has happened due to my Depression:
1,Antinatalism: I won't bring another human into existence. With the information era, the belief systems will collapse. How can a human survive without myths, how will they accept the suffering and death?
2,Minimalism: I can be happy without following the materialistic belief system
3,My Edtech: By helping kids born in poor families:I am helping my younger self
It might be very hard for some people to accept Heliocentric model, when it was adopted by scientific community-They might be also depressed. Same way I have to accept the truths. We are just like other living beings: Survive and Reproduce.
It's my reductionism which caused everything. Atheists just question only religion-I questioned everything-eventually ended up in a pessimistic state.
Now I have to look at what good has happened due to my Depression:
1,Antinatalism: I won't bring another human into existence. With the information era, the belief systems will collapse. How can a human survive without myths, how will they accept the suffering and death?
2,Minimalism: I can be happy without following the materialistic belief system
3,My Edtech: By helping kids born in poor families:I am helping my younger self
https://www.ndtv.com/india-news/122...mmitted-suicide-during-2014-21-centre-2661365
122 students in premier institutes in India died by suicide during 2014-2021. I don't know whether their reasons are similar-Due to population problem, An individual has to work hard during childhood, write those entrance exams and get into top institutes. Once you fall back in academics-you are done with life. For me it was grief induced Existential thoughts which affected me a lot.
I have to remember I am not alone in this journey. 122 had similar thoughts like me, and they died. But you won't take that step. You don't want to make your parents and your sister to live in pain.
Your success has made you narcissistic and its the reason you feel reluctant to work in a company. The thoughts that you will be a slave to a company is affecting your motivation. You fall into the trap of delayed gratification-pain today gain tomorrow. But the truth is Pain till retirement, Gain after retirement.
I will give you a new index to compare your life? compare your life with your parents as you share genetic traits and financial conditions.
How's the life of your Dad during your age?
He didn't even complete his Degree, went to a different place for job, that to meagre income. He was a slave till he saved money over the years. Did he had existential crisis? No because he was not egoistic like you. Stop allowing your successes affecting your life. His life was suffering till age 50. What can you do to make him happy? Make his remaining life happier. Maybe you will enjoy your life at age 50.
Acceptance-You are not born in a rich family-So be a nice hardworking slave, so your old parents can be happy
122 students in premier institutes in India died by suicide during 2014-2021. I don't know whether their reasons are similar-Due to population problem, An individual has to work hard during childhood, write those entrance exams and get into top institutes. Once you fall back in academics-you are done with life. For me it was grief induced Existential thoughts which affected me a lot.
I have to remember I am not alone in this journey. 122 had similar thoughts like me, and they died. But you won't take that step. You don't want to make your parents and your sister to live in pain.
Your success has made you narcissistic and its the reason you feel reluctant to work in a company. The thoughts that you will be a slave to a company is affecting your motivation. You fall into the trap of delayed gratification-pain today gain tomorrow. But the truth is Pain till retirement, Gain after retirement.
I will give you a new index to compare your life? compare your life with your parents as you share genetic traits and financial conditions.
How's the life of your Dad during your age?
He didn't even complete his Degree, went to a different place for job, that to meagre income. He was a slave till he saved money over the years. Did he had existential crisis? No because he was not egoistic like you. Stop allowing your successes affecting your life. His life was suffering till age 50. What can you do to make him happy? Make his remaining life happier. Maybe you will enjoy your life at age 50.
Acceptance-You are not born in a rich family-So be a nice hardworking slave, so your old parents can be happy
Maybe the deaths in your family caused you to reformulate your priorities and you're struggling to force yourself, out of a sense of duty or dread, to do something you no longer want to do because you don't see a reasonable payoff coming out of the sacrifice you're making. No matter how hard you work or what you accomplish it won't keep you from dying or suffering until you do - which, considering that you're investing all of your waking time into it, you might reasonably think that's totally unfair. You say best case scenario, you're a slave until you're fifty or retire like your father. Which means that you really believe that to be true or that you're reframing it that way because it's not entirely true but you hate what you're doing now. And maybe ending up homeless or in prison versus succeeding at the path you're attempting to follow and being miserable anyway isn't a false dichotomy. I have no idea if that's black and white thinking or is an accurate description of your circumstances, but you do.
Either way, you seem like a very strong and determined person. And hard-willed, maybe so hard-willed that your will is pulling you off course with your goals because you're preoccupied with philosophical questions about how you're living your life and whether what you're doing matters over the mundane day-to-day grind of getting through your schooling. Probably if you can endure the rigors of your schooling you can endure the alternative.
And what does that look like? Worst case scenario, even, what does that look like really?
Is your family still a part of your life? How do you spend your day? Are you miserable every single minute of it? Is it worse than your life is now?
Either way, you seem like a very strong and determined person. And hard-willed, maybe so hard-willed that your will is pulling you off course with your goals because you're preoccupied with philosophical questions about how you're living your life and whether what you're doing matters over the mundane day-to-day grind of getting through your schooling. Probably if you can endure the rigors of your schooling you can endure the alternative.
And what does that look like? Worst case scenario, even, what does that look like really?
Is your family still a part of your life? How do you spend your day? Are you miserable every single minute of it? Is it worse than your life is now?
I have recovered from my depression.I was inactive in this website for sometime. From this website I went to a pro suicide website. This prosuicide website helped me recover, seeing participants posting their goodbye messages-I started seeing life as many sisyphus rolling boulder-One sisyphus killing himself/herself won't solve the problem. I started asking what will happen to my sister,her kids, and her grandkids. I forsee the suffering/depression and suicides of my grandniblings. I decided to live for my grandniblings.
my reason not to suicide was to prevent future suicides of my grandniblings.
My vision 2070 is to transfer Generational Wealth to my Grandniblings
17582 days left to Vision2070
Worth=Asset-Liabilities
In terms of liabilities,I only have debt from my academic fees and hostel rent. I reduced my food cost from 0.2 USD to 0(Free food from a temple)
I define wealth as something which buys time. So if I spend 9 hours(Sleep+food+Hygiene) for myself, I can spend 15 hours for my Grandnibling accumulating wealth.
17852*15/24=10988 days
10988/365=30 years
Total lifespan of my grandnibling=his/her natural lifespan+30 years(headstart)
But how will I survive my suffering-Through an act of renunciation-Minimalism-Limit my needs to survival needs-Food&Sleep. I can reduce the liability cost. I call renunciation as a different type of social suicide.I daily watch Jain monks Renunciation(Diksha) and try to tolerate my craving for tastier food,craving for enjoyment etc.
I daily upload private Videoautobiography to youtube explaining my struggles to my grandniblings and their grandkids. Hope they will appreciate my struggles in the year 2070.
Living a colorless life so my grandniblings will have a colourful life.
By the act of renunciation of my desires I have become a human resource for my sister and her descendents
my reason not to suicide was to prevent future suicides of my grandniblings.
My vision 2070 is to transfer Generational Wealth to my Grandniblings
17582 days left to Vision2070
Worth=Asset-Liabilities
In terms of liabilities,I only have debt from my academic fees and hostel rent. I reduced my food cost from 0.2 USD to 0(Free food from a temple)
I define wealth as something which buys time. So if I spend 9 hours(Sleep+food+Hygiene) for myself, I can spend 15 hours for my Grandnibling accumulating wealth.
17852*15/24=10988 days
10988/365=30 years
Total lifespan of my grandnibling=his/her natural lifespan+30 years(headstart)
But how will I survive my suffering-Through an act of renunciation-Minimalism-Limit my needs to survival needs-Food&Sleep. I can reduce the liability cost. I call renunciation as a different type of social suicide.I daily watch Jain monks Renunciation(Diksha) and try to tolerate my craving for tastier food,craving for enjoyment etc.
I daily upload private Videoautobiography to youtube explaining my struggles to my grandniblings and their grandkids. Hope they will appreciate my struggles in the year 2070.
Living a colorless life so my grandniblings will have a colourful life.
By the act of renunciation of my desires I have become a human resource for my sister and her descendents
I started seeing my institute psychologist thrice per week(Mon,Tue,Wed). It's helping me now.
Stoicism is helping me a lot. Thinking that I killed my"SELF" on 2019. Now it's my ghost trying to help my sister her descendents. A ghost shouldnot get affected by depression as emotions don't exist for a renunciated being
Stoicism is helping me a lot. Thinking that I killed my"SELF" on 2019. Now it's my ghost trying to help my sister her descendents. A ghost shouldnot get affected by depression as emotions don't exist for a renunciated being
