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Dating in your 30's /40's

Discussion in 'Mid Life and Getting Older' started by Jeff M, Oct 1, 2017.

  1. Jeff M

    Jeff M Active Member

    So after ten years of marriage and several years mostly alone,I need to get out there and find someone. However, a number of people, medical professionals, friends/family etc. say I'm not in the right frame of mind or not mentally ready for it. So my question is, How do you know you ARE ready. I mean, what if my anxiety and depression never change, then what do I do.

    Second part of the question is, at what point in the relationship do you tell your partner you have mental health problems? Obviously lying about it seems like a bad idea, so what then?
    MrB79 likes this.
  2. drinty

    drinty I'd rather be a Cat.

    Hiya, good on you for thinking you need to find someone, I hope you find who you're looking for.
    As for your questions, in the summer of 2016 I decided after over 10 years of singledom and 2short lived boyfriends, I was ready for a proper relationship. So I went for it and asked a bloke I've crushed on for a while out. We got serious, we moved in together, we decided living together wasn't for us hehe, we also decided we can't have a conventional relationship...Ok I decided that. I have mental health problems, he has a drinking problem. So yeah but that's up to us, we see each other when I'm stable and he's sober.
    What matters is if you think you're ready to try...I hadn't been, never thought I'd like to live with anyone ever again, but I tried both. I can't live with anyone...it just doesn't work for me. But You never know till you try!

    Second question... I had to tell my partner pretty soon, there was no way of me hiding it hehe. I don't want to hide it. Why be something you're not? If they can't deal with it then maybe they're not right for you ?
    It depends how serious you think it's gonna get and how honest you wanna be. I had to lay it all on the line for my own sanity. I'm besotted by the stupid bloke haha.
    That's my 5cents worth of what I've been thru.
    Good luck :)
  3. BarryW

    BarryW Well-Known Member

    Hello Jeff,
    These people who are saying you are not ready.. what reasons are they giving? Do they sound reasonable? How do they stack up to the reasons you think you are ready?

    You carry on and fight the good fight day by day my friend.

    I suggest to tell them before you are dating. Like drinty said, if they can't handle it then it's not going to work out. By telling them so early, you can weed people out quickly instead of feeling guilty for weeks, months, years while you harbor your 'secret', only to potentially be dropped bc the person can't accept your mental health issues.
  4. Jeff M

    Jeff M Active Member

    I told my wife when we were gong out and she said she understood, except she used my low self esteem and depression to her advantage. Got pregnant by me as soon as she could, then pushed me aside and said she didnt love me.
  5. Deety

    Deety SF Supporter

    My opinion is that you are ready for a relationship when you are happy to be alone. That is, your motivation to have a romantic relationship is not to avoid loneliness and yourself, but to share your life and passions with someone who complements you rather completes you. Not sure if I explained that properly but hope that makes sense. I am mid-thirties and 2.5yrs down the track after my ex had an affair with one of my closest friends. I was with the ex from 17yrs old, so I really want this time to concentrate on me and my kids now. It's gutting to think of all the time I spent putting someone else (who wasn't worth it) first.
  6. Deety

    Deety SF Supporter

    Oh and as for part 2 of your questions, I'd bring it up as part of the natural conversation about yourself from the start. You don't need to pour your heart out on the first date, but there's no point in hiding it if it comes up.
  7. BarryW

    BarryW Well-Known Member

    That makes sense, however, the trouble is that when I am happy to be alone, I have no motivation to look for a date. That's part of why I haven't dated for the last 11 years. Why would I make a huge risky change to my life if I am happy? Sorry if I am getting off topic of Jeff's discussion.

    So what is her game plan? Somehow afford raising the child as a single mom?
  8. Jeff M

    Jeff M Active Member

    no, her parents buy her whatever she wants or needs, she has earned nothing on her own, plus since the law favours women, my money is still good enough for her, so best of both worlds for the c***
  9. BarryW

    BarryW Well-Known Member

    Jeff I can see why you might be hesitant to share your true self or date anyone after your last experience. I think it is human nature to hope though. You will hope for a better relationship and hope that things can work out. Maybe test the waters, try a date or two, nothing too formal or deep, and see if you feel comfortable or not. Best of luck figuring out what is best for you right now.
  10. Jeff M

    Jeff M Active Member

    I can't even meet anyone right now. I have no where to live, no job, and no hope and the last few I did date just wanted something from me. I'm also not ready to spend the next decade alone... only seeing one way out of this...
  11. MrB79

    MrB79 Well-Known Member

    Date when you are ready for it, and notnot because you're lonely or needy. You'll know when the time is right. In the meantime, square yourself away first.

    I've been single for over three years, divorced seven. It's hard, but not impossible. Best of luck to you.
  12. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    Yeah, me I tell them chicks right away the psychiatrist said i was crazy. If you don't love me the way I am then get out of my life, thanx.
  13. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I can see a certain reality to the idea that a person may not be ready for a relationship based on not being stable enough themselves. But not being ready for a relationship does not in any way mean you cannot simply enjoy company of another person. You do not need to be in a relationship to enjoy having dinner, going for walks, seeing a movie, talk on the phone, -- just spending time with peopel that you like. It is of course much harder to do and enjoy those things if you are looking at everybody that you meet as potential relationship/ long term relationship material. In addition, it puts you in a position where you can be used if you are trying to get into a LTR when the other person is looking ta it as casual at best, an opportunity to get something at worst.

    Don't try to find somebody to spend your life with or to help you feel less lonely for the next few years until your situation improves. Look for people to spend Tues evening with over pizza because it is far better than eating alone again, and look for somebody to walk in the park with on Saturday morning because it is nicer than walking by yourself. Then it does not matter if the person is M or F, 25 or 65, single or married, etc. Just start spending time with peopel in a friendly sociable way without any real commitments from them or from you and life is less lonely. It is also how you get back into the social scene and when are not so lonely desperate are far less likely to make mistakes in who to trust. Being alone sucks, but there is a LOT of middle ground between being alone and being in a committed happy lifelong relationship. Do not throw away all the potential in that middle ground in desperation for the dream.
    MrB79 and BarryW like this.
  14. mixtape

    mixtape Member

    I was divorced at age 31. I took six months off to collect myself, then I began to date. But I was not ready to even consdier anything serious for another 2-3 years, and then when it happened I forced thigns to go slow, which caused a lot of issues with my then GF - but we worked it out and have now been married for 17 yrs.

    Everyone feels differently about this and everyone will tell you their opinion. The reality is there is no set rule. I went to group meetings for divorced people during those six months. I met people 10-12 years out from the D who were adament they were not ready to date, and I met people who had not even signed the papers who were actively looking for a relationship.
  15. MarkahMalady

    MarkahMalady Well-Known Member

    I met my husband at work and initially bonded over talking about living as a chronically anxious/depressed/antisocial person and it's worked out great. I don't feel like a regular person would ever really love me or put up with my shit. My extroverted ex was MISERABLE with me, I have no idea why I had to dump him and not the other way around.
    MrB79 likes this.