Dealing

[I'dRather]

So easily it flowed onto the official paperwork the other day when my heart was filled with terror, pain, and anger. How hard now to write about it in my journals. Now the image of his distorted face..the face of a mad man. Like once again I was watching a horror film. Seeming so unreal. Like the face of a monster. Now it's is playing over and over in my mind along with the realization he was looking for the opportunity to harm me. Oh how close I had come only to live and tell the tale. It's so unreal. Now it's intrusive. A haunting, repetitive image.

 

[Spearmint]

I hope whatever is that's plaguing you, is resolved soon. :arms:

And, as weird as this is going to sound, I love the way you write..:unsure:

 

[I'dRather]

Thanks! The things about it is my best writing comes at times like this.

Right now I am pacing th floors with this image. I'm feeling the need to burst into tears and also feeling fear that he is coming to kill me even though I know he is not. I hate these feelings. I hate that expressing these feelings might worry others. I hate this.

 

[I'dRather]

Even morning hasn't made it better this time. Sometimes just staying busy or talking to friends helps. The other day my lawyers voice message helped reassure me. Now it is getting harder to bring myself up. If only justice would be served, if only he had loved me, if only, if only....

I believe all the things he said right now. I feel ungly, unliked, unwanted, unloved, alone, afraid, incapable, hopeless.....

I am not dumb. I know when I need help and yet I cannot find a therapist who will take me in for free. I cannot find a job. Nobody is hiring. I am tired of putting in applications to never hear from any of them.

I don't understand how a person can hurt someone they claim to love. That is not love. I don't understand why my life has been bad from the beginning. One traumatic thing after another and now this. Like I don't deserve the same quality life of some. I am undeserving of love, compassion, kindness......

I am again becoming afraid to face the public for fear I will be blamed for something I didn't do or hated for what I am.

 

[Terry]

Good God !!! :ohmy:

I hate it :rant: when people make other people feel afraid, less than they are, paranoid, hated, ugly and unloved.

What right does one human being have to do this to another.

Remember this, someone has made you feel like this this does not make it true.

You are not what someone else makes you, you are unique precious and you must love yourself and (hard I know) tell that other voice to go f*** itself :hug: