Beautiful Disaster
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SF Supporter
I just needed a space to document how I am feeling. Mainly cause I don't want to forget about you and I am afraid I will.
Hey Danny,
What a wild ride we have had.
I think we met in 2018 on an online chat of an overwatch streamer we both watched. You stood out to me cause you were funny in the beginning.
And after a while we started talking to eachother daily in there. I realized the days that there was no stream, I low key missed talking to you.
I guess that feeling was mutual because after a while we added eachother on instagram and would talk there if there was no stream.
I think our shared childhood trauma was what connect us so deeply. I felt like I could say whatever I felt and you wouldn't judge me for it.
Most of the time you would understand. I think over time you became one of my best friends.
You didn't have any socials aside from instagram. And you also didn't have any selfies on your instagram either.
After months of beggin, you send me a bunch of selfies. You were absolutely gorgeous.
As time went on, our conversations became more frequent and deeper. I fell in love with you, so hard. But you knew that.
But you were busy battling your own demons at night. You would drink and pick fights with me for reason.
You would gaslight the fuck out of me and admitted that your main objective was to hurt me, so I would keep my distance from you.
I called you cruel, cause you would delete those nasty messages you would send me and don't remember the next day.
Whenever I would send you screenshots you would apologize. But what is the point in apologizing if you are gonna repeat is again and again.
You would block me for days or weeks on end just to punish me for god knows what. You wanted that control.
To speak on your terms, your terms only. And if I didn't comply to them, you would block me and made me feel shitty about it.
It was a never ending mindgame I couldn't win.
I tried to be patient and loving. But you broke me.
I told you i loved you but you said it could never work, even tho you wanted too, because of the distance.
So I tried to move on. I found a nice guy and I tried to make it work.
He hated you for the connection that we had. I would still talk to you, instead of him when I had things going on.
One evening me and my boyfriend had a fight. He triggered my ptsd and I ended up calling you, crying.
We had a conversation about what triggered me and few hours later you messaged my why I wasn't in a relationship with you.
I told you that I wanted too but few months ago, you didn't. And I wasn't gonna drop my current one just cause had a chance of heart.
And when I asked you about the next day, you completely ignored me.
God, it became toxic. I loved you, I would have done anything for you but I couldn't anymore last year.
I blocked you for 5 months. After that I decided to unblock you and see what was up.
You told me you were so sorry, worried sick and apologised.
Something was different about you. It felt more sincere that all the other times.
You asked me if we could try again. I said that I would like that.
Things were fine for weeks. But you ended up being flirty.
I tried to set boundaries with you and told you that wasn't gonna happen anymore.
You said that I was too scared that I would like you too much. I told you that over time my feelings for you had change.
I didn't have the energy to play your damn mindgame anymore.
So I told you no.
And you told me, that that was fine cause you were dating A.
A., the girl you told me not to worry about.
I told you that all I wanted was for you to be happy.
You told me that you would rather be with me and that you were lucky to have had me.
And I snapped. The fuck you coming at me for with how you wanna be with me, while you are with someone else.
The amount of disrespect for A. you showed at the moment was just disgusting.
And i told you, that I wanted nothing to do with you. And how I would be fine without you.
You started to delete your messages cause you knew you fucked up.
And I put my phone in airplane mode, screenrecorded everything, the messages and the voicenotes, and send them to A.
After that I blocked you both and it was one of the most bad ass things I have ever done in my life.
But then, last week.
It was raining, like a storm. We used to take video's of storms and send it to eachother.
You crossed my mind. I unblocked you but didnt have the guts to message you.
But for some reason I felt the urge to google your name.
Which is weird cause you don't use any socials. I have had googled you before but nothing ever came up.
But there it was, a picture of you I had never seen. Next to your obituary.
You had died a week prior. And I broke down and cried for days. Still feel like it but im out of tears.
I had so many questions on how. I tried to reach out to your friend on facebook but I guess those messages go in the spamfilter.
So I messaged A. I wanted to see if she knew. And if she didn't, I wanted to make sure she did.
Needless to say that was awkward. She told me she had no issues with me and I tried to explain that I never had issues with her either.
I just wanted to break free from all the shit. I needed a cleancut.
She told me that in January the doctors had told you, you only had 2-5 years to live. Your pancreas and liver werent doing well.
You kinda drunk yourself to death I guess. Turned out you only had 8 more months.
Im upset that you never told me you were dying soon. Maybe I would have done things differently.
I know you had me blocked on both of my instagram accounts. I had you blocked too.
But when i unblocked you, I saw that you had me unblocked too.
Makes me wonder if you ever tried to reach out during your last days.
I guess we will never know.
I hope you have found your peace Danny. Im sorry life treated you unkind. I know you had so many hopes and dreams.
Im sorry we never got to meet.
I love you.
May the force be with you <3
Hey Danny,
What a wild ride we have had.
I think we met in 2018 on an online chat of an overwatch streamer we both watched. You stood out to me cause you were funny in the beginning.
And after a while we started talking to eachother daily in there. I realized the days that there was no stream, I low key missed talking to you.
I guess that feeling was mutual because after a while we added eachother on instagram and would talk there if there was no stream.
I think our shared childhood trauma was what connect us so deeply. I felt like I could say whatever I felt and you wouldn't judge me for it.
Most of the time you would understand. I think over time you became one of my best friends.
You didn't have any socials aside from instagram. And you also didn't have any selfies on your instagram either.
After months of beggin, you send me a bunch of selfies. You were absolutely gorgeous.
As time went on, our conversations became more frequent and deeper. I fell in love with you, so hard. But you knew that.
But you were busy battling your own demons at night. You would drink and pick fights with me for reason.
You would gaslight the fuck out of me and admitted that your main objective was to hurt me, so I would keep my distance from you.
I called you cruel, cause you would delete those nasty messages you would send me and don't remember the next day.
Whenever I would send you screenshots you would apologize. But what is the point in apologizing if you are gonna repeat is again and again.
You would block me for days or weeks on end just to punish me for god knows what. You wanted that control.
To speak on your terms, your terms only. And if I didn't comply to them, you would block me and made me feel shitty about it.
It was a never ending mindgame I couldn't win.
I tried to be patient and loving. But you broke me.
I told you i loved you but you said it could never work, even tho you wanted too, because of the distance.
So I tried to move on. I found a nice guy and I tried to make it work.
He hated you for the connection that we had. I would still talk to you, instead of him when I had things going on.
One evening me and my boyfriend had a fight. He triggered my ptsd and I ended up calling you, crying.
We had a conversation about what triggered me and few hours later you messaged my why I wasn't in a relationship with you.
I told you that I wanted too but few months ago, you didn't. And I wasn't gonna drop my current one just cause had a chance of heart.
And when I asked you about the next day, you completely ignored me.
God, it became toxic. I loved you, I would have done anything for you but I couldn't anymore last year.
I blocked you for 5 months. After that I decided to unblock you and see what was up.
You told me you were so sorry, worried sick and apologised.
Something was different about you. It felt more sincere that all the other times.
You asked me if we could try again. I said that I would like that.
Things were fine for weeks. But you ended up being flirty.
I tried to set boundaries with you and told you that wasn't gonna happen anymore.
You said that I was too scared that I would like you too much. I told you that over time my feelings for you had change.
I didn't have the energy to play your damn mindgame anymore.
So I told you no.
And you told me, that that was fine cause you were dating A.
A., the girl you told me not to worry about.
I told you that all I wanted was for you to be happy.
You told me that you would rather be with me and that you were lucky to have had me.
And I snapped. The fuck you coming at me for with how you wanna be with me, while you are with someone else.
The amount of disrespect for A. you showed at the moment was just disgusting.
And i told you, that I wanted nothing to do with you. And how I would be fine without you.
You started to delete your messages cause you knew you fucked up.
And I put my phone in airplane mode, screenrecorded everything, the messages and the voicenotes, and send them to A.
After that I blocked you both and it was one of the most bad ass things I have ever done in my life.
But then, last week.
It was raining, like a storm. We used to take video's of storms and send it to eachother.
You crossed my mind. I unblocked you but didnt have the guts to message you.
But for some reason I felt the urge to google your name.
Which is weird cause you don't use any socials. I have had googled you before but nothing ever came up.
But there it was, a picture of you I had never seen. Next to your obituary.
You had died a week prior. And I broke down and cried for days. Still feel like it but im out of tears.
I had so many questions on how. I tried to reach out to your friend on facebook but I guess those messages go in the spamfilter.
So I messaged A. I wanted to see if she knew. And if she didn't, I wanted to make sure she did.
Needless to say that was awkward. She told me she had no issues with me and I tried to explain that I never had issues with her either.
I just wanted to break free from all the shit. I needed a cleancut.
She told me that in January the doctors had told you, you only had 2-5 years to live. Your pancreas and liver werent doing well.
You kinda drunk yourself to death I guess. Turned out you only had 8 more months.
Im upset that you never told me you were dying soon. Maybe I would have done things differently.
I know you had me blocked on both of my instagram accounts. I had you blocked too.
But when i unblocked you, I saw that you had me unblocked too.
Makes me wonder if you ever tried to reach out during your last days.
I guess we will never know.
I hope you have found your peace Danny. Im sorry life treated you unkind. I know you had so many hopes and dreams.
Im sorry we never got to meet.
I love you.
May the force be with you <3
