Death is stalking me..

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by Unicorns_Grace, Nov 9, 2015.

  1. Unicorns_Grace

    Unicorns_Grace Active Member

    I can't help but feel death is stalking me I have lost some of the most important people to me over the past 2 years..

    My granddad.. I can understand the body gives up with age and I know he is in a better place now with my nan 15 years apart was far too long my granddad was never the same person when we lost her I was young and couldn't understand he kept it together for his 9 grandkids. He was the grandparent I was closest too. He was the proudest when I became a nurse. He told everyone of his friends when he went out with them he was beaming with pride so much pride.. it makes me tear up thinking about it.


    This was closely followed by one of my friends she had been diagnosed with cancer because of her age she was 23 they didn't find it until it was very late she beat it into remission but sadly 3 months after it come back more aggressive than ever. a girl so full of life its not fair she was an amazing person who could light up a whole room when she walked in. Sadly she lost her battle aged 24... I can remember her funeral if its true what people say when your important to someone she had over a 1000 people attend we couldn't all fit into the church... but she always knew how to fill up a room.


    a year ago was my boyfriend I can honestly say he was the man I wanted to marry if he'd asked I would have on the spot we had this life planned out together we was meant to have our happily ever after.. we was meant to grow old together... he made things make so much sense... he got me like no one else ever could he accepted that I have walked through some dark places and come out dancing as he would say. I can remember everything about him... I remember our first kiss it was so intense I knocked a whole glass of wine into his lap.. he took it in his stride he made me float I could look a mess and he would still tell me I was beautiful. It didn't matter what I was going through he was there he kept me anchored to the planet he was my go to person when anything was wrong or when I needed a reality check. he gave me the strength to fight my demons head on.
    He was killed by his friend who was drink driving he broke my heart my soul and my life the first two days I didn't get out of bed I laid there wishing I could wake up wishing it was a horrible dream its not a dream
    I still have every text message he ever sent me on my phone and I still read them every day, I'm scared of forgetting how he smelt... forgetting his voice.. how his lips felt when he kissed my forehead every morning.
    I knew the moment I met him I could never lose him.
    but he's gone.. he's really gone... he's not coming back for me...
    and I'm not sure I can live here without him...

    if I could find him now we could leave this town and run forever...

    Death is stalking me and I think I'm next...
     
  2. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Unicorn's_Grace, I Am so sorry for all of those losses, nothing can make up for those, Your granddad held on, he held on for you kids, he probably missed his wife but thought you kids needed him more, it seems that you did, it's wonderful that he thought so much of all of you! So many people sacrifice what they want most for others, Your Friend was taken so young Just starting to live an lost so quickly she affected so many but she had some thing else she had to do, someplace else to be! Then Your Man, the one, The only, The mate that was there for you, every last detail remembered taken so quickly, all the dreams that the two of you had and wanted to do together lost, never to be realized. How that hurts deep inside, it is so much pain, your life feels hollow an empty, I am so sorry for you have lost so much! So much life gone.
    Now you think that death is stalking you? What if your time has not come? I don't know, I cannot tell, we are not given that knowledge, what if there are other plans for you? what about those children that you grandfather never saw that are now growing up without him in their lives, he meant so much to you can you tell them about him? and Your Friend is She to be forgotten? who is going to tell others about her? What she meant to you and others? then Last but certainly not least Your Man, the one whose life that you were going to share, the one that you loved with that love that could never be replaced, no one can ever match up! Do you want to follow them? Who is going to share who and what your grandfather was, who is going to tell about your Friend the one that lit up and could cause the room to fill with her personality, I told you earlier today in another post what I did with our plans for my love, It brought me so much peace it brought a closing of sorts to me, to imagine I was enjoying our Final Plans together, with her Smile an Laughter, I do not know if you have done anything like that, We all mourn in our own way, we all live our own way, we cannot really say how or when we are going to die, we may plan we may look forward but we can never really know! I have been declared dead before, I never saw it coming, I had no way of knowing until I woke up for a few seconds on the cold ground, then again in the Hospital!, I never had the time to make plans or arrangements, I can imagine that was how it was for that man you loved, he never saw it coming, I am sorry for him because he missed out on all of his plans, He missed having an loving an living with you! I am sorry, I do not know who will mourn him after if You leave us or your friend or your granddad, I bet that they would wish you stayed and shared their lives or that you passed the stories on to someone else, i would bet also that all 3 of them wish you a long and happy life that nurse that the Granddad was so proud of! This is a wish I have, this story of love and loss, I hope after losing 3. that death will move on. I cannot see the future, I can only say one of the many ways it could turn out? The world should not lose another!
     
  3. Unicorns_Grace

    Unicorns_Grace Active Member


    I can't do the things we made plans to do. not on my own anyway.
    I still have my fancy evening dress zipped up in what I only want to call a body bag, and his suit we was meant to have been attending a fancy ballroom evening, an excuse to dress up I remember his face when he saw the dress on me he didn't give a toss that it cost him £386 I wanted it he got it for me..

    the hardest part was finding a beautiful ring in his suit pocket perfect size perfect stone set he knew exactly what I wanted without me even telling him nothing too big nothing to flashy he had even written a whole card to remind him what he was going to say, I know he was going to ask me to marry him, and I know I would have said yes... I should have been planning our wedding not his funeral...
    I put it all back in the pocket.. I found this 4 days after he died.. and its gut wrenching we brought a 3 bedded house we knew how many children we wanted a big family we'd live here for 5 years then move into something bigger with more land around it.

    he was always looking out for me, even tho he was so young he'd made sure the house was paid for if he died... he made sure I was kept stable and debt free...

    so I cant do all the things we planned. I cant marry him and I cant have his children. I cant have the life we promised each other...
     
  4. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Unicorns_Grace, I understand what has happened, I know what it is like, believe me, I do You still have a life, yes it is changed,
    I am Sorry! he tried to make sure that you were taken care of, he wanted, he expected that you would go on!, it is hard now it will be hard for a long time, I wish it was different! I understand about the house too, I would believe that he wanted you to go on!I have been dealing with my own ghosts too, some days I do not want to get up I just want to die or already be dead, This has been years for me! I am just like you I cannot change anything! We each have to deal with life as it is not what we wish it was, I know that it is hard, it is good that you are talking and sharing with others an I hope that you can feel some hope inside of you! The people in here care about you and are willing to help support you an give you help an care when it is needed! Please take care of yourself and be gentle on yourself! We are Here For You!
     
  5. Unicorns_Grace

    Unicorns_Grace Active Member


    if I'm honest with you, sometimes it feels like I'm already dead.
    its like being left behind everyone else has dealt with it and moved on
    and I'm sat here 356 days later and sometimes without any human contact for days.
     
  6. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    I will be honest as well, I do feel like I am dead, I have not seen many people since Nov of 2013, I lost my one true Love in October of that year! I have food delivered so I do not have to go out, I have had to be taken to the hospital 5 times, I have been dead 2 times brought back both times I live 1/2 a mile from a road, I live in a small log cabin in the woods, most days even on here I am crying!
    I spend time each day crying, some of it reading about others that have gone on and some like you that want to pass on or have issues and problems that some times would give others nightmares, I have to go out into the woods and cut trees to burn, Yes I cut my own fire wood, I have a tank of propane as back up in case I get sick and cannot get firewood or if I get to sick to go out, for one month last winter no one could get into me or I could not get out, that is the life I have been living, I have not had a guest in my house for most of that time I have had the state police here once. So yes Unicorns_Grace I do understand you! I wish I didn't, I wish you didn't. I suspect that you are young. How do you think your boyfriend would feel if he could see you now? Can you think or Feel that he would approve of you like this? I cannot imagine it! He tried to ensure that you could go on, that you could live your life. He did that For you! Do you really want to throw his gift away, I imagine he thought more of you then that! You are a nurse, Nurses are about life, you have so much, I know you hurt. this is not what your Granddad though about when he watched you graduate I do not believe, What would your Friend say who fought so hard to live but died from Cancer! What would She Say to you?. You Know more then Most I believe how precious, how special life is, you know how delicate the balance is between the two, how hard we fight for every breath! You could be helping someone that is sick to live, right now help them fight, Do you think I would not like to lay down an not have to worry about going out cutting wood to keep myself warm? Imagine how easy it would be for me! I come in here every day, every night to help someone, to try and give them the energy to live another day. I am sorry that you feel you want to finish life and move on, once you do there is no do over, you cannot change your mind your decision will be final, I can not say it is OK, I cannot let you go! I feel, I believe that you can live that there is more out there for you! I so wish that you would start living again, living is for the young!
    Please choose life over the existence that you have now!
     
    3 people like this.
  7. Unicorns_Grace

    Unicorns_Grace Active Member


    He's life insurance paid for the rest of the house so when I say he made sure I was taken care of we both took out a life insurance policy.
    I don't allow anyone in my house, even the guy who reads the gas meter I have to reluctantly let through my front door. I force myself to go to work. its easy because everyone there has forgotten and my patients have no idea, I smile at the right time its a show and no-one see through it. I choose not to take breaks that way I don't have to stay late finishing off paper work or doing the things I didn't get around to doing, that way I can come home.. with no other option but driving past the place he was killed...
    I can get through my front door and fall apart like I always do.
    I went to the court hearings and I sat and listened to everything.. he didn't die instantly he suffered.. the coroners report my boyfriends blood alcohol level was under the limit... his friends was 3 times over... I sat in that court room and I heard how the driver lost control of the car in a 50MPH zone I heard how many times they believe the car rolled before hitting a wall upside down.. this was at 1am it took 15 minuets for someone to call it in and for the emergency services to attend... I also know it took 20-30 minuets for my boyfriend to bleed out..I heard how his heart gave out from blood loss and I understood far too much of what they were saying, he got to the hospital I work at 1.45am and was pronounced dead at 1.50am...
    I watched the man who my boyfriend trusted who friends had told not to drive who my boyfriend had told he wasn't in a fit state to drive... I will never have my questions answered... why he got into that car..
    I watched that man who destroyed my life in a matter of seconds minuets I don't know.. I watched him look me straight in the eyes and for him to ask for forgiveness... except he wasn't sorry.. he didn't even show one slight bit of remorse if he'd been truly sorry maybe I would have been able to forgive him...
    His serving his sentence... true to fashion he will serve 3 years and be up for early release with good behaviour... his sentence wont last forever where as mine is for the rest of my life...
     
  8. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    I am sorry, it is a terrible way to die, I understand!, I use to Work on an ambulance I have seen my share of mans Stupidity!
    I never will understand the Criminal Justice system! It is not justice an it is Criminal I think! I did not know the details, but i do understand your anger! it is a righteous anger, I believe! I do hope though for your sake that you will put his guilt behind You, I am not saying now but in the future, until you forgive that piece of garbage, you will have no peace, the hate and anger will tear you apart if you let it. please don't!, I cannot say if he is remorseful or not, it would not matter to me, but if he was i imagine you could feel a little better,
    I believe that he will destroy himself, if he had no remorse, he will die with none given to him! You hurt enough, please, for your sake put him in the back of your mind, that is where he should be!
    I am glad that you are working, I might feel a little better if I was, I guess it is not to be, I hope that your work gives you a little respite from your thoughts. I know at times it must be difficult!! I Will be here to talk anytime you want, if at anytime you think I am too much I will back off, I do not want to become to much for you! I am sensitive to the feelings and needs of others! I know how difficult this is for you! Please take care of yourself, You Are Important, Be Gentle to yourself! I Believe Every Life is Precious~
     
  9. Unicorns_Grace

    Unicorns_Grace Active Member

    I'm not sure I will ever be able to forgive him
     
    3 people like this.
  10. Reallybadtimes

    Reallybadtimes New Member

     
  11. Trueblu

    Trueblu Member


    What a tragic story & how awful for you to have to relive your bf's last hours of life.
    I would like to say I'm deeply sorry for your loss & the non stop grieving you've been going through.
    I think we all feel we can say "we know how you feel." but in reality we really can't no matter how similar our experiences. Everyone's journey is different, how we cope & process the tragedy is different.
    I say you have to grieve in your own way. Please consider getting involved in a support group & private therapy. Take it 5 minutes @ at a time & as a previous member said think of the wonderful people you have lost & how they would want you to continue on. Honor the love & closeness that still exist between you. Find your peace, grieve, heal & treasure moments some of us NEVER experience in a lifetime. You were blessed to have such wonderful people in your life.
    ~Best wishes
     
  12. Trueblu

    Trueblu Member

    Right now it's not about forgiving him. It may come at a later date & time. He may truly be remorseful, there is no way to truly know. No matter what this man does he can not bring back your fiancé & he took an unnecessary chance that changed the lives of others in such a tragic manner. That is probably the real reason you feel you cannot forgive him. Remorse won't change his actions that fateful day & now you're left to deal with it. You have every right to be angry, mad & hurt. He took something valuable away from you. Just don't linger in the anger stage. It makes you bitter & isolates you when you need comfort. I hope everyday you find a reason to take a step towards healing. That is what your loved ones would want for you.
     
  13. Unicorns_Grace

    Unicorns_Grace Active Member

    I just feel there is no justice yes he is going to spend a few years in prison... with a 2 year driving ban, when hes out he can re apply for his driving license...
    hes the type of guy what never learns from his mistakes he doesn't care how he's actions effect others... I know me and him have never truly been friends he gives me that feeling... you know the one where you cant put your finger on it but there is something wrong about them...
    I know he was jealous of me and my boyfriend, well more jealous of the amount of time he spent with me.
    but when he was being sentenced and I was trying my hardest not to fall apart he actually smirked at me... twisted on so many levels.

    as previously put hes sentence will one day come to an end where as mine will continue for the rest of my life. so will my boyfriends mothers and brothers... he destroyed 4 lives in a matter of seconds. and he walks away without even a bruise.