i have an ex, she was my first and i am her second (her first was also a woman too)—i am a woman too and we're legal both of our sides. we ended in my own terms, no people involved, just myself. i left her the month we turned 2 years in relationship, before that, we already have conflict between my personality and i believe that i am no good to her nor to anyone, and i left the town for my college and deactivated all my socials. 8 months after i left her in my own terms, we happened to met again when i went back to my town—where she lives, where she and i met. she approached me and wanted us to talk, i was shocked to see her that night, so i just tossed her away and told her i am busy, that i'll talk to her when i have time.
the day we had a chance to talk, she mentioned that she's still waiting for me, that she wanted to talk to me before then but she doesn't have any contacts of me. she cried in front of me, beg for me, but i keep telling her that time that i don't see myself in relationship anymore. and just like that, i left the town again.
2 months after our last talk, i happened to be in crisis of going back to her. i sent her a text the day before i want to meet her, i input the date and time, the place (we met halfway because we lived in different town), and a note that i'll be there until sunset whether she'll come or not, and she showed up, almost 2 hours ago from the time i set for us to meet. and with the same day at night, we shared our grievance in our past, and we happened to give each other a chance if we are still going to work out.
we've been constant for weeks, she often travel 2hrs to see me, sometimes we met halfway, or i am the one who will go back to kur town to see her. and it only last for a month, when i have been triggered by the words—that i still act the same before. and with that, i detached myself again. i ask nkt to continue what we are somehow starting to build up again.
the past repeated, i pushed her away, yet she wanted to talk things out with me in which i don't. she went to where i lived in my college and i wouldn't meet her there, she keep on sending me messages ages day after day, but i wouldn't respond. and in a random day, we have our last conversation.
4 months after that, i was in our town (where she lives) leaving for my college again, we happened to cross paths. our eyes met for millisecond and she turned away and ignored me. it feels like there's a slow thing happened to me when i was about to reach her arm but didn't. and that time, she only did what i asked for in olmy last chat, but idk why i felt different that time.
idk how to continue this, but rn, it's been 2 months since that incident happened. i am still in crisis of wanting to talk to her—i want her to reject me, i want her to tell me that all those things she said to her last messages will no longer be happening, that she found someone already, that she has someone now. i saw the playlist she made in spotify, it was in collaboration and the cover was a pink tulips bouquet—the same sketch she sent me the time she is sending me messages day after day, but it was different color, it is not a pink, it's blue, because that is my favorite color.
i am planning to talk to her next week. should i do it? idk anymore tbh
the day we had a chance to talk, she mentioned that she's still waiting for me, that she wanted to talk to me before then but she doesn't have any contacts of me. she cried in front of me, beg for me, but i keep telling her that time that i don't see myself in relationship anymore. and just like that, i left the town again.
2 months after our last talk, i happened to be in crisis of going back to her. i sent her a text the day before i want to meet her, i input the date and time, the place (we met halfway because we lived in different town), and a note that i'll be there until sunset whether she'll come or not, and she showed up, almost 2 hours ago from the time i set for us to meet. and with the same day at night, we shared our grievance in our past, and we happened to give each other a chance if we are still going to work out.
we've been constant for weeks, she often travel 2hrs to see me, sometimes we met halfway, or i am the one who will go back to kur town to see her. and it only last for a month, when i have been triggered by the words—that i still act the same before. and with that, i detached myself again. i ask nkt to continue what we are somehow starting to build up again.
the past repeated, i pushed her away, yet she wanted to talk things out with me in which i don't. she went to where i lived in my college and i wouldn't meet her there, she keep on sending me messages ages day after day, but i wouldn't respond. and in a random day, we have our last conversation.
me: In that case, could you please just leave me be (again) for now? You yourself said that you would wait—even though I’ve already made it clear that there’s no guarantee I’ll ever enter into a relationship again, whether in a few months or years. Please, just give me some space for now. Let’s take a break from each other. If, after months or years, you find yourself exhausted, just let me know and stop waiting. And if, while you’re waiting, you happen to meet or start talking to someone else, tell me that too—and then let’s end things for good.
her: I won’t pressure you, and I’ll give you the space you need. But I also want you to know that I won’t look for anyone else, nor will I just give up—my decision is firm. I choose you, but I won’t force you or hold onto you until you’re ready. Please take care always; I love you so much.
me: Same to you. Take care, you and your family. This will be our last conversation; please don’t reply. And if you happen to see me somewhere in public, please do not approach me.
4 months after that, i was in our town (where she lives) leaving for my college again, we happened to cross paths. our eyes met for millisecond and she turned away and ignored me. it feels like there's a slow thing happened to me when i was about to reach her arm but didn't. and that time, she only did what i asked for in olmy last chat, but idk why i felt different that time.
idk how to continue this, but rn, it's been 2 months since that incident happened. i am still in crisis of wanting to talk to her—i want her to reject me, i want her to tell me that all those things she said to her last messages will no longer be happening, that she found someone already, that she has someone now. i saw the playlist she made in spotify, it was in collaboration and the cover was a pink tulips bouquet—the same sketch she sent me the time she is sending me messages day after day, but it was different color, it is not a pink, it's blue, because that is my favorite color.
i am planning to talk to her next week. should i do it? idk anymore tbh
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