Depressed: I hit my fiance in self defence after she choked me - can I get her back?

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Depressed-Fiance, Sep 13, 2014.

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  1. I will try to keep this as short as possible. I'm hoping you can help/advise me asap as I feel I am losing the love of my life.

    Around one and half months ago I went to see my fiancé at her place (she still lives with her parents) in the early evening to catch up etc. She appeared to be quiet & snappy with me after a few hours of being in her company which I put down to her long week at work.

    As the evening went on I asked her if she was ok to which she said that she was fine. Later on I asked her again & she snapped that if there was something wrong she would tell me - fair enough!

    She didn't want dinner so I ordered a take-away for myself. When it arrived I was eating in the garden as it was sunny (she was sat next to me sunbathing) & then she went inside as she said she was too hot.

    I followed inside 5mins later & sat downstairs. She had disappeared upstairs & around 20mins after I finished my dinner I went up to see if she was ok, she appeared ok but looked moody. So I went back downstairs to sit with her parents (giving her space - sensing her mood.) She later came down & we all watched tv.

    As the night went on she was snapping at her mum for the most minor of things & was getting a bit sarcastic - becoming rather nasty. Her mum did say to her to stop swearing etc. Throughout the tv watching she barely said anything to me.

    Shortly after her parents decided to go to bed so they went & turned the light off leaving the tv on for us. 20mins went on & I tried to make small talk with her which resulted in one worded responses.

    At this point I'd had enough so I said to her that I was going home & not to contact me until she had snapped out of this horrible mood. She then grabbed my arm & said "don't leave me" so I said I'm not leaving you, I'm just leaving the situation.

    She then said that her gran was unwell & that she felt she was the only one looking after her. She then accused me of saying that I like a picture of a famous woman on facebook. WTF!

    Now the scary part..........

    So I took a deep breath & stood up, & as I turned round (she must have shot up) & I felt both her hands round my neck pressing really tightly & this look of madness in her eyes. : : I found myself doing the same to her (to try and free myself.) This was the first time we have ever had a physical confrontation or even argument in the 2yrs we've been together (it has always been a honest, loyal & happy relationship.)

    I pushed her onto the couch & I stumbled forward slightly, I then stumbled back by which point she leapt up, jumped on & sat on me & started choking me again. There was no speaking throughout this scuffle.

    I was shocked & scared at this then suddenly her mum & dad came running downstairs panicking wondering what was going on. Her mum tried to pull her off (with some force as my fiancé is strong for a woman.) I then remember lashing out shouting "get off me" as she was pulled away with a struggle from her mum.

    As she got up her dad switched the light on & my fiancés nose was bleeding so she ran for a towel then stormed over to me & slammed the engagement ring into my hand & said get out this house before pushing me outside. I apologised & said I didn't realise I had punched her (especially to her face) as I couldn't see exactly where I was 'aiming' because it was pitch black but she said get out so I did & went home.

    I phoned my parents explaining what had happened & they said not to phone her that night as it will make things worse. So I waited until the next day before phoning her but she ignored my call, I left a message & she texted me to say I could meet her that evening outside. We talked & I apologised profusely & she said she could forgive me for the struggle but not for the punch & that she wanted space for a few days with no contact.

    Basically I want to know if there is anyway I can get my fiancé back as I truly love her, don't want to lose her especially of this & she said she still loves & cares for me (when I met her the following day?)

    I am not a violent person & have never hit a woman before but this was a genuine accident.

    I hope you can help me here as I'm so depressed & miserable right now & this was just a silly incident that got out of hand.

    Many thanks
     
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Re: Depressed: I hit my fiance in self defence after she choked me - can I get her ba

    I know this probably isn't what you want to hear. But the fact she tried to choke you twice, leads me to believe she has some serious issues that she needs to deal with. If someone were choking me, I'd start swinging and doing whatever it took to get that person to release their hold on me, and so personally, I don't blame you for how you reacted. The fact someone had to help pull her off you is some scary stuff. I know you want her back, but she needs to be willing to work toward finding out why she snapped that way; because the most important thing here is your safety.
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Re: Depressed: I hit my fiance in self defence after she choked me - can I get her ba

    walk away while you can and stay away until she has received some help and becomes more stable mentally You need to protect yourself because next time she will probably press charges against you YOu do not want that ok stay clear of this person
     
  4. Re: Depressed: I hit my fiance in self defence after she choked me - can I get her ba

    Yes, I was more shocked than scared to be honest when I was released from her. I tried to make sense of what had just happened.

    Thanks, there's no way I would have just lay there and let her continue because she could have killed me if she hadn't have been pulled off by her mother.

    My fiancé hasn't apologised, acknowledged that she started it, shown any remorse, hasn't cried like I have nor has she shown any empathy......just nothing from her.

    I would only take her back on the condition that she gets some professional help, but of course she has to be willing to want that in the first place.
     
  5. Re: Depressed: I hit my fiance in self defence after she choked me - can I get her ba

    This is what I would want to happen, she would have to assure me that she has received professional help before I consider taking her back.
     
  6. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Re: Depressed: I hit my fiance in self defence after she choked me - can I get her ba

    Good - then you have the right attitude- make some distance, and if she contacts you express that and until then avoid her and contact with her. Basically , while sad the situation occurred be glad it was not much worse and move past feeling fortunate and knowing was not your issue.
     
  7. Re: Depressed: I hit my fiance in self defence after she choked me - can I get her ba

    I'm not sure I understand what you mean here, could you elaborate please? :)
     
  8. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Re: Depressed: I hit my fiance in self defence after she choked me - can I get her ba

    Based on your explanation be glad that it is all simply she is upset and not admitting or not talking and her parents are not freaking out about her bloody nose or trying to blame you - which while not your fault, truth has little to do with these type of situations. You are fortunate to not have had worse situation and as you now know that she needs help and stated that not going back until she gets help it seems the situation is resolved- sad that it happened- but ultimately resolved.
     
  9. Re: Depressed: I hit my fiance in self defence after she choked me - can I get her ba

    She also said that she can't trust or forgive me for punching her.

    What does trust have to do with punching?
     
  10. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    Re: Depressed: I hit my fiance in self defence after she choked me - can I get her ba

    Trust has a lot to do with punching. Trust that you will not punch her again. That said, I think trust works both ways and you have to trust that she won't attack you again.

    I think the best course of action here would be for her to get some professional help and for the two of you to seek some relationship counselling with a mediator so that these issues can be addressed between you in a mutually safe setting.

    And, for the record, defending yourself and accidentally punching someone in the face while flailing because they are choking you is not something that requires forgiving. Going by the details you have given here, she attacked you. That she thinks that you require forgiving at this point suggests to me that you need to stay away from her at least for now as she does not apparently understand what she did was wrong.
     
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