Today I mustered up the nerve to clean off my scales and hop on them. When I saw that screen flashing my weight I said out loud 'OH MY GOSH' and I just felt like I was about to pass out. When I stopped my diet because of starting medication again- the scales changed from then to now a whopping 17 pounds extra. That didnt help my depressed feeling any.. I hate my new doctor. Shes a good doctor dont get me wrong but she wont listen to a dang thing I tell her. Its like talking to a brick wall that just happens to talk back but at you instead of to you. Im meeting my new therapist next week (if all goes well) and Im not looking forward to that. Im just certain that I will hate her too. I feel I have said all that I have to say to doctors, therapists, mental health workers, social workers, and everyone else whos involved in my minds care.. I dont want to sit down in a new therapists office and go over life again. I dont want to say 'Yes I was abused..Yes I used drugs..Yeapper I use to drink.." all that stuff that they always ask... I dont want to go into deep dark relationship trouble details and tell her how much I hate myself for not wanting (or giving for that matter) my husband sex..I dont want to tell her I feel like a total waiste of human life and precious space on this earth..I JUST DONT!!! Uggh.. Sorry about this post. I realize I was gone for a long time but I needed to say that.