About 19 years ago after a period of prolonged stress, I had a breakdown where I lost touch with reality, and from then on I was put on antipsychotics which resulted in huge weight gain and diabetes. I have been reading that people with severe mental illness die 15-25 years earlier and I know that I am very unhealthy and I don't believe that I can get well as long as I'm dependent on this type of drug. In addition, its affected my memory ever such a lot and its as if the past years haven't really happened as I can remember so little of them. I have tried to wean myself off a number of times, and managed to get below the therapeutic dose, but haven't managed to get myself off the drug without having a psychotic episode. The thing is that I know that there's evidence now that these drugs can infact cause psychosis even if you never had it, and I'm very suspicious of what its done to me. I feel out of control of my body because I have to take these tablets, out of control because I'm overweight, and a failure because I haven't worked or moved on which I blame on the lack of therapeutic care and the doctors insistence that these drugs are the main treatment. This, and the cumulative negative side-effects of having had to take this type of drug, including no career, and now my age, are the main reasons that I am often suicidal and have been thinking ahead of ending things in the future. I guess one of the final straws has been the diabetes because I often wake in the night with a very dry mouth and needing to pee - I can't sleep for more than about 5/6 hours without this happening - and I'm scared for the future of being old and perhaps in a care home where they might not ensure that I have enough fluids on hand at night. I just think that if I'd never have been given an antipsychotic, but instead had gentle therapeutic counselling and actually been asked why I was so distressed when there were so many legitimate reasons for me getting ill, this snowball of negative effects wouldn't have happened. It sucks.