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Depression creates monsters of your emotions // La depresión crea monstruos

#1
Advertencia: Aclaro que no sufro trastorno de identidad disociativo dado que se puede interpretar eso. Gracias por leerme



Hola a todos, junto con saludarlos y esperando que se encuentren bien en el día de hoy. No he escrito desde el año pasado por lo que creo, pero en sí agradezco de corazón que me estén leyendo y espero de todo corazón que estén bien y que ojalá se puedan sanar de sus males y maldiciones.

¿Por donde puedo empezar? Pues a lo largo de mi vida he ido sufriendo bastantes situaciones difíciles en mi maldita vida, en los cuales puedo destacar un abuso sexual, violencia interfamiliar (nunca olvidaré cuando mi papá hizo un agujero en la pared por casi golpear a mi mamá), que mi mamá se vaya de casa y un montón de cosas.... Y entre esas cosas siempre he sospechado que yo he tenido depresión desde los 15 años y que durante estos años recién a los 19 años empecé a ver realmente mi depresión de manera más crítica, pero en silencio... Y entre tantas cosas me he dado cuenta de muchas cosas:

He desarrollado una especie de personalidades que están reprimidas por varios aspectos y situaciones de mi vida y a estas personalidades las denomino mis "monstruos" ¿Y por qué monstruos? Pues son monstruos dado que son emociones, frustraciones y traumas que he ido reprimiendo a lo largo del tiempo....

El primer monstruo es mi depresión... Y sí es raro que alguien vea una depresión como una personalidad, pero a veces el deterioro y la extrema soledad te destruyen la mente de una manera.
Este monstruo es mi lado más agresivo, dominante el cual saco en mis peores momentos como un tipo de fortaleza...

Nadie sabe esto, pero esa faceta tiene una percepción cruda y fría sobre la vida, sin contar que saca mi lado mujeriego aunque esa faceta ha sido reprimida dado que estoy en una relación, aunque a veces me escapo de mi relación a través de la imaginación y dejo que ese monstruo tome el control de mi mente y haga lo que sea necesario para huir de la realidad.

Y mi otro monstruo... Es mi lado femenino y el más sensible ya que desde nació ese monstruo cómo que he ido desarrollando un gusto por la ropa femenina, pero con fines eróticos, sino para sentirme como ese monstruo quiere... E incluso me termine comprando medias y las uso cuando ando en casa y me saco fotografías con el sueño de venderlas para hacerme un dinero...

Y si preguntan si mi pareja conocen a mis 2 monstruos, solo conoce el primero y el segundo ni loco quiero que sepa de ese, dado que se puede incomodar e incluso siento que me puede abandonar porque en parte mi novia es machista y a lo mejor pensará que soy homosexual o bisexual cuando realmente soy heterosexual....
Pero lo curioso de ese monstruo es que al ser mi lado más sensible lo asemejo a mis problemáticas en la intimidad y a fantasías reprimidas.

Warning: I clarify that I do not suffer from dissociative identity disorder since that can be interpreted. Thanks for reading me.

English
Hello everyone, along with saying hello and hoping that you are well today. I have not written since last year for what I believe, but in itself I thank you from the heart that you are reading me and I hope with all my heart that you are well and that I hope you can heal from your evils and curses.

Where can I start? Well, throughout my life I have suffered quite a few difficult situations in my damn life, in which I can highlight sexual abuse, inter-family violence (I will never forget when my father made a hole in the wall for almost hitting my mother), that my mother leaves home and a lot of things .... And among those things I have always suspected that I have had depression since I was 15 years old and that during these years it was only at 19 years old that I really began to see my depression in a more critical, but in silence ... And among so many things I have noticed many things:

I have developed a kind of personalities that are repressed by various aspects and situations of my life and I call these personalities my "monsters" And why monsters? Well, they are monsters since they are emotions, frustrations and traumas that I have been repressing over time ...

The first monster is my depression ... And yes it is rare for someone to see depression as a personality, but sometimes deterioration and extreme loneliness destroy your mind in a way.
This monster is my most aggressive, dominant side which I bring out in my worst moments as a type of strength ...

Nobody knows this, but that facet has a raw and cold perception about life, not to mention that it brings out my womanizing side although that facet has been repressed since I am in a relationship, although sometimes I escape from my relationship through imagination and I let that monster take control of my mind and do whatever it takes to escape reality.

And my other monster ... It is my feminine side and the most sensitive since that monster was born, how I have been developing a taste for feminine clothing, but for erotic purposes, but to feel like that monster wants ... And even I ended up buying stockings and I wear them when I'm at home and I take pictures with the dream of selling them to make money ...

And if you ask if my partner knows my 2 monsters, he only knows the first and the second or crazy I want him to know about that one, since he can be uncomfortable and I even feel that he can leave me because in part my girlfriend is macho and maybe she will think that I am homosexual or bisexual when I am really heterosexual ...
But the curious thing about this monster is that since it is my most sensitive side, I liken it to my problems in intimacy and to repressed fantasies.
 

johnDoen

Outsider in the Realm of Lost and Found
#2
Warning: I clarify that I do not suffer from dissociative identity disorder since that can be interpreted. Thanks for reading me.

English
Hello everyone, along with saying hello and hoping that you are well today. I have not written since last year for what I believe, but in itself I thank you from the heart that you are reading me and I hope with all my heart that you are well and that I hope you can heal from your evils and curses.

Where can I start? Well, throughout my life I have suffered quite a few difficult situations in my damn life, in which I can highlight sexual abuse, inter-family violence (I will never forget when my father made a hole in the wall for almost hitting my mother), that my mother leaves home and a lot of things .... And among those things I have always suspected that I have had depression since I was 15 years old and that during these years it was only at 19 years old that I really began to see my depression in a more critical, but in silence ... And among so many things I have noticed many things:

I have developed a kind of personalities that are repressed by various aspects and situations of my life and I call these personalities my "monsters" And why monsters? Well, they are monsters since they are emotions, frustrations and traumas that I have been repressing over time ...

The first monster is my depression ... And yes it is rare for someone to see depression as a personality, but sometimes deterioration and extreme loneliness destroy your mind in a way.
This monster is my most aggressive, dominant side which I bring out in my worst moments as a type of strength ...

Nobody knows this, but that facet has a raw and cold perception about life, not to mention that it brings out my womanizing side although that facet has been repressed since I am in a relationship, although sometimes I escape from my relationship through imagination and I let that monster take control of my mind and do whatever it takes to escape reality.

And my other monster ... It is my feminine side and the most sensitive since that monster was born, how I have been developing a taste for feminine clothing, but for erotic purposes, but to feel like that monster wants ... And even I ended up buying stockings and I wear them when I'm at home and I take pictures with the dream of selling them to make money ...

And if you ask if my partner knows my 2 monsters, he only knows the first and the second or crazy I want him to know about that one, since he can be uncomfortable and I even feel that he can leave me because in part my girlfriend is macho and maybe she will think that I am homosexual or bisexual when I am really heterosexual ...
But the curious thing about this monster is that since it is my most sensitive side, I liken it to my problems in intimacy and to repressed fantasies.
I think you deserve more helps to deal with the first monster, which is just an illness that should not be considered as any part of identity nor personality. An illness that be cured with a lot of efforts, time and money. An illness that affects your views on reality, on your relationships with others, and on yourself. I'm saving money to deal with mine, by getting a decent therapist and maybe some medications.

It's hard to say on the second monster, maybe it's euphoria or sexual confusion, maybe a leftover of a troubled puberty? I don't know. Please do not sell any pictures, as it's for your own safety.

Your uneasy past may have played a role in development of such monsters. If you have therapist or psychiatrist, they can help you with processing and understanding that past. The best me and others I can do is to help you emotionally with replies and chats.
 
#3
I think you deserve more helps to deal with the first monster, which is just an illness that should not be considered as any part of identity nor personality. An illness that be cured with a lot of efforts, time and money. An illness that affects your views on reality, on your relationships with others, and on yourself. I'm saving money to deal with mine, by getting a decent therapist and maybe some medications.

It's hard to say on the second monster, maybe it's euphoria or sexual confusion, maybe a leftover of a troubled puberty? I don't know. Please do not sell any pictures, as it's for your own safety.

Your uneasy past may have played a role in development of such monsters. If you have therapist or psychiatrist, they can help you with processing and understanding that past. The best me and others I can do is to help you emotionally with replies and chats.

Spanish:
Hola, buenos días (Hora chilena) espero que estés muy bien.
Sabes, desde que desarrolle a profundidad mi depresión fue cuando empecé a crear a estos monstruos que son claramente emociones, frustraciones y traumas fue en el momento que perdí la cordura en la soledad, pero a pesar que sean facetas mías nunca le haría daño a nadie a excepción de mí ya que esos 2 monstruos acomulan todo mi odio y rencor... Aunque el segundo es mi monstruo más pasivo y en lugar de pensar como en cosas turbias, asquerosas... Ella (Le di un aspecto femenino) Ella lo ve todo desde las caricias, del consetimiento y en parte desde una visión erótica... Y es ella quién me dice venda fotografías eróticas sin que nadie sepa.

English:

Hello, good morning (Chilean time) I hope you are very well.
You know, since I developed my depression in depth, it was when I began to create these monsters that are clearly emotions, frustrations and traumas, it was at the moment that I lost my sanity in loneliness, but even though they are facets of mine, I would never hurt anyone. With the exception of me since those 2 monsters accumulate all my hatred and resentment ... she sees everything from the caresses, from the consent and partly from an erotic vision ... And it is she who tells me to sell erotic photographs without anyone knowing.
 

johnDoen

Outsider in the Realm of Lost and Found
#4
English:

Hello, good morning (Chilean time) I hope you are very well.
You know, since I developed my depression in depth, it was when I began to create these monsters that are clearly emotions, frustrations and traumas, it was at the moment that I lost my sanity in loneliness, but even though they are facets of mine, I would never hurt anyone. With the exception of me since those 2 monsters accumulate all my hatred and resentment ... she sees everything from the caresses, from the consent and partly from an erotic vision ... And it is she who tells me to sell erotic photographs without anyone knowing.
You need help for this second monster, as well. It's just that I cannot think of any in the last reply, a counselor who is specialized in LGBT+ issues? Is there any LGBT+ organization or group in Chile? I'm sure they are willing to help you.

Just for your own safety, I think you should delete all those photographs, as soon as possible and with all available efforts.
 
#5
You need help for this second monster, as well. It's just that I cannot think of any in the last reply, a counselor who is specialized in LGBT+ issues? Is there any LGBT+ organization or group in Chile? I'm sure they are willing to help you.

Just for your own safety, I think you should delete all those photographs, as soon as possible and with all available efforts.


That personality is not easy to explain, since it can be interpreted that I consider myself trans or a woman, but it is not like that ...

Rather, that monster was born out of repressed feelings, internal conflicts related to my privacy.
 

johnDoen

Outsider in the Realm of Lost and Found
#6
That personality is not easy to explain, since it can be interpreted that I consider myself trans or a woman, but it is not like that ...

Rather, that monster was born out of repressed feelings, internal conflicts related to my privacy.
I think they would understand that, as well. The work of a counselor is to explore along with you, with their own experience to similar issues and trained knowledge in couseling.
 
#8
It would be good to get rid of these two monsters. This means that you have to work a lot on your condition. But know that if you believe in yourself, you will eliminate both monsters. Well, you should find a solution to get rid of this depression. The methods can be various. I also suffered from depression; in my case, the answer was to travel with my pet. The United Airlines ESA Travel Policies policy allows this, and thus I got rid of my mental illness. Yes, it may sound strange that I got rid of depression and my mental illness thanks to an animal, but it was. Now I don't have any monsters.
 

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